13 year age gap - can it work into old age?

[NancyIris]

I am 37 and have recently started seeing a 51 year old man. We have an amazing amount in common and I think he's completely amazing. He is a very caring person and makes me feel very treasured. I am coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC so am wary. He has had various long-term relationships / been engaged in the past but has not been married or had a family.
He is very keen for me to move in and has mentioned marriage (as proof of commitment rather than to put pressure on me).
I am head over heels right now but also a bit scared by the age gap! I feel like it will be magnified as we get older? Also he has some health issues such as high BP, asthma, old sports injuries (he used to run / train a lot, but less now) etc whereas I have the constitution of a moorland pony.
Should I be worrying about the far-off future like this or just enjoying now?
Does this age gap seem too wide?

Thank you for the advice ... he seems very sincere but maybe I am naive given that I haven't much experience of relationships other than with DH.
Why is the extreme keenness worrying though? You mean it's not likely to be truthful?

2 DC aged 6 and 10.

He might be absolutely truthful but act like this with every new woman; he might be doing it as it's exciting for both parties when a woman is swept off her feet - but you won't know for a while yet if it will work out in the longer term, and you have more at stake now than a single woman with no children. You want to give your children stability. You can't move in at the drop of a hat then move out again a few months later if it's not so great after all.

I think the term is "love bombing".

He seems sincere - the point here is that you only have what "seems" to be the case to go on. You're right to phrase it like this, because it takes months to get to know someone well.

He also only has what you "seem" like. You are both most likely to be presenting your best self at the moment - a lot of people would call it dating at this stage, not even a relationship yet.

If you were to move in with him in the next few months, you go from presenting your best selves to sharing your lives. At that stage you may discover some character flaw, or just decide you're not as compatible as you thought. Hopefully not, but the possibility is there, and at this stage it's fairly likely. But you will have made the relationship a lot harder to walk away from, by giving up your independence, by having no home to move back to.

Add to all this the effect on the children, who would find one house move unsettling without any other factors involved, and you have a situation you would do best to avoid.

I dated an older guy for a while and he was keen to move things fast asap.

I don't want to tar everything with the same brush, but with hindsight the keenness was symptomatic of the fact that "behind" all the "I'm just being a protective nice man who loves you so wants official commitment" he was actually calculating he would get a bloody good deal from the situation!

Sure he had a nicer house and a successful career behind him whilst I was/am a mature student.

But he also wanted to live off his pension and not work again, pass his assets over to his children asap, and not have to pay for old age care ( family history of dementia AND living long) and yes, I guessed accurately there was a history of serious health problems he "forgot" to mention ( presumably he was hoping if they cropped up when I had the ring on my finger that would be me stuck as nurse and his children could focus on their own lives)

Guess which muggins he had lined up for the job? When I mentioned I wanted to move to postgrad study or a PhD at some point and didn't want to move from a 3-4 day working week whilst studying ( well within MY means) he started getting angry, because despite presenting himself as Mr traditional protective guy, he saw me as a potential cash cow and ready made carer.

Obviously not everyone's experience is the same but what's the harm in waiting? If he's sincere he'll respect your need to take things slowly.

No matter what he says, do not underestimate the difficulties that could arise as a result of you having children. it's all very well him saying that he is looking forward to meeting them, marrying you etc but the reality may not be so pleasant.

Having children has an impact on any relationship and moving children in with an older man who has no experience of children is likely to be difficult.

I personally would not have a relationship with a significant age gap having had a relationship with an older man that was not very happy. In my opinion, more sacrifices than in a normal relationship need to be made for the relationship to work and it is usually the younger person who makes the most sacrifices. He is already not in great health as you say so that alone is not a positive indicator of the future for you or your children.

at 51 he's on the cusp of losing his allure to the opposite sex and he wants to lock you down fast before you realise there might be better options out there
He managed to pull a younger woman at the last chance saloon and he's going to cash in all his chips

Rinkydink, are youbeing sarcastic?

What utterly unpleasant ageist crap. There are many beautiful people in their 50s, 60s and beyond.

Bloody well go for it!
Age really is just a number

Go for it, just not too fast :)

I am not sure that some of the younger husbands/partners who are mentioned on Mumsnet have a hell of a lot of allure.

They tend to be
a) so work focused they don't contribute towards the running of their home or looking after their children
and/or
b) completely in thrall to their own mothers and rather infantile and/or useless
and/or
c) totally hooked on drinking and or their time consuming hobbies
and/or
d) addicted to gaming or other things that involve spending the entire time on a mobile phone

It is possible that a mature man might be a bit less useless and have avoided some of the bad habits that affect those who are 20 years younger.

I posted up similar a couple of weeks back - I'm nearly 40 and have recently started seeing a guy who is nearly 20 years older. We've decided to go with the flow and fuckitall, either one of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow and we should seize the opportunity to be happy

Others will say go for it. I would say no. Too big a gap. It'll be fine for a few years then you'll be obligated to stay with an older man. But it is yr choice! We all "settle" for different things.

That's weird. I dated a 51 year old man whose x partner lost a baby about 7byears ago and that's what destroyed them. I suppose it can't be that unusual an occurrence though.

I think he's moving too fast OP. In my experience men think they're keener than they are. They're not even consciously bullshitting, they just use you as a blank screen to project their perfect woman on to. You dont have to race in to anything.

OP already has two children, though, so might well be happy to leave it at that and not have another - in which case she won't have any particular reason to hang around any longer than she wants...

I think I'd be more worried about his "keeness" than age.....sounds a little bit like he's running away with himself x

My DH is 17 years older than me. Been together 15 years, married 4. My health was the issue and he's was the carer for 4 years. None of us know what life will throw at you. If your both happy and live each other enjoy every moment

I have 2 friends in relationships with older men - one 10 yrs older & the other 20. I feel it's made both of them act older than they are but it's the 20 yr one that troubles me. He may have been an attractive 40 odd year old when they met but he's now a definite 63 & looking like someone's grandad whereas she's still in her early 40's. I feel the age gap is much more noticeable as the years go by.
And yes ill health can happen at any age but it's more likely to happen in older age so she's more likely to have to look after him by the time their young kids leave home

Dh and I are in this position, he's 14 years older but we've been together 21 years so although we do think about it and are considering our options, we have a good relationship and I have no regrets and dh doesn't either. We've 2 dc together and it's me who has had health problems not dh so who knows what's ahead.

We will retire at different ages, no getting around that. I'm in the NHS so won't retire until I'm in my late 60's, dh could be gone by then. We enjoy our life though and will continue to do so. I think about it more than dh I guess, because I'm likely to be the one left behind so I am very aware of maintaining my independence, financially and otherwise. Other than that, I just enjoy our life.

My PIL's have 13 years between them and it definitely affects their relationship now.

He's the older one and has significantly less energy than she does. She wants to go out and have fun whilst he prefers to stay at home.

I also think that more than likely the older one will die first, thus leaving the younger widowed at an age where you're meant to be free to enjoy retirement.

I couldn't be with someone with such a significant age gap as it's not now that matters, it's definitely changes and matters at an older age and I see how badly it has affected my PIL even after 42 years of marriage. She's extremely resentful and he's escaping through wine and books.

My df is 10 years older than my dm
He's healthier and more energetic than dm!
They've been together for almost 50 years, most of that v happily

I'm in an age gap relationship- post marriage with kids, and it's early days. 1 year in. Take your time. Enjoy the relationship before you enter the bills/putting the bins out stage!

Dh was 14y older than me.
I'm 45 now and he died in March aged 58.
After being concerned about it initially the age gap was never a problem, until he became ill - and while that could happen at any point, age increases probabilities.
I don't think I'd consider anything more than 5+ years again.

I am sometimes struck when reading Mumsnet about the apparently 'dull' lifestyle led by some people who probably are no more than 40ish.

It was in a thread about eating dinner in front of the TV. I am not knocking the odd TV dinner or watching boxed sets/Netflix films. But to me that can seem quite 'elderly'. I do wonder now - I'm in my mid to late fifties - whether having a partner just over 10 years older means that I've got a bit oldish too.

But we go walking and go to dance classes and visit people and learn new things and cook new recipes.

I suppose you can make all sorts of rules about relationships in your head, but if something feels right, you will probably go for it.