13 year age gap - can it work into old age?

[NancyIris]

I am 37 and have recently started seeing a 51 year old man. We have an amazing amount in common and I think he's completely amazing. He is a very caring person and makes me feel very treasured. I am coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC so am wary. He has had various long-term relationships / been engaged in the past but has not been married or had a family.
He is very keen for me to move in and has mentioned marriage (as proof of commitment rather than to put pressure on me).
I am head over heels right now but also a bit scared by the age gap! I feel like it will be magnified as we get older? Also he has some health issues such as high BP, asthma, old sports injuries (he used to run / train a lot, but less now) etc whereas I have the constitution of a moorland pony.
Should I be worrying about the far-off future like this or just enjoying now?
Does this age gap seem too wide?

Yes absolutely Magdalen and he is impatient to meet them ... we are holding off for the moment as not sure of best timescale for meeting new partners.
I think he would definitely be helpful, stable and caring. In fact I know he would like DC of his own but I have said no to this as I feel I need to focus on the 2 I have.

How will he cope with living with your children do think.? Thats the 1st test

There are often posts on this issue and whilst the age gap is not in massive your case the usual reply is, I'm 30 hes 50 or im 40 he is 55 or i am 25 and he is 41 and its not a problem for us.

I dont think ive ever read the reply, i am 58 and he is 78.

Ie there arn't any posts from people actually are dealing with an age gap into old age.

I know 2 and neither are in a very happy place

That's a really good point marbles ... but it's hard to find out what the reality's like isn't it?
My grandparents had a 16 year age gap and the main disadvantage to my grandma was a long time alone after my grandad's death - he died aged 93 over 20 years ago and she is now over 94 and has had all that time growing old alone.

Coping living with children ... he'd be fine and is really looking forward to meeting them.

My DM married my Stepfather, who is 14 years her senior, 3 years ago. She is 51 now. They are madly in love and I don't think she even notices the age gap tbh

I think the biggest concern is that you have young DC. Do they like him? Does he treat them well?

To show the flip side - DM is 13 years younger than DF.

When she was 60 she retired. The same year he got Alzheimer's. She became full time carer and he deteriorated rapidly. Wet the bed every night, no "off" switch with food, socially extremely embarrassing (started being very rude) etc etc.

When she was 63 and he was 76 he went into a care home a few nights a week to help her out. Hugely expensive drain on her and she only coped as she lives rent free in a house owned by her sister.

DF moved full time to the care home when DM was 65 and he was 78. He died last month and it was such a relief. Those 5 years were horrific. She was in tears for most of them. The terrifying thing is he could have gone on like that for another 10 years!! Thank god he died. She can have a bit of life left now but we were worried that she'd be stuck visiting him daily until she herself were old and frail.

Seeing the difference between a 60 and 73 year old was very scary. Just two completely different stages of life.

But DF was also an absolute arse of a controlling dick so may taint my view.

loobyloo as I said upthread he hasn't met DC yet as we are still unsure on timescales as breakup with ex-DH is still quite recent.
He is really looking forward to meeting them though and I can see us having some great times with them.

Seeing the difference between a 60 and 73 year old was very scary. Just two completely different stages of life

This is exactly what freaks me out. But then that is 23 years in the future and who knows what may have happened by then? Should I be worrying about it?!

Age differences generally aren't significant or an issue in the middle years, but they certainly are as you become older. Illness can strike at any age, but far far more likely the older you are. And no amount of positive thinking can reverse the physiological damage/ageing process/wear and tear on the body and brain. He already has high BP, so an increased risk of stroke or heart attack. And many more health complications if a smoker.
This all seems very negative. But as a nurse of many years I tend to see the problems that arise in the latter years when one partner is markedly

older. There's nothing wrong with being selfish, or thinking practically about the future. If that doesn't phase you however, go for it.

There's nothing wrong with being selfish, or thinking practically about the future

But should it be influencing the decisions I make now at 37? I'm just not sure how far into the future I should be projecting!

He already has high BP, so an increased risk of stroke or heart attack

Yes and there is a family history of these apparently.

I met my partner's children at a very early point in our relationship.

Although the Mumsnet philosophy is that a partner should only be allowed to meet children after 5 years for 5 minutes otherwise irreparable psychological harm would be done, I think this was absolutely the right thing.

I knew that I would be taking on 3 people not 1. And he knew that his children reacted positively to me and that I was interested in them as human beings.

In an ideal world that would be perfect - and I totally agree with the 3 not 1 thing.
But, ex-DH has said absolutely no way!

Hang on. He's keen for you to move in... and he's mentioned marriage.. but he hasn't met your children yet?

What stinkpickle says is what I see when dealing with large age gaps at old age. It is true you can get ill young, but reality is you are more likely to be ill and frail at old age. Don't just listen to those who are at their middle ages. It's never going to be a problem if you are talking about a 20 with a 40yo. Or even a 30yo with a 50yo.

I know a couple of relationships where women in late middle age are married to older men.

One was her second marriage, and both of them were wealthy. He did develop health problems, but they were devoted to one another, and they seemed very happy. The wealth was a good cushion, and they had a wonderful time together.

Another was in late middle age when she married an older man. He concealed the degree to which he has health problems, and he only revealed these after the marriage had taken place. She then felt stuck as his carer, and her life with him was very far from what she had intended (also in a semi-rural location, and not her home country, so she hadn't much back up). I don't know how that worked out.

I also don't think it needs to be a year or whatever until a partner meets your kids, which is the time frame I have seen a lot on MN, but moving in is a different kettle of fish!

Yes I know it's all a bit rushed atm. He would like to meet DC but any new partner meeting them is a very sensitive subject with ex-DH for now.

I do think that being a step-parent is being very hard work and when you have had little to do with children for most of your adult life, it may turn out to be a big challenge.

I am not saying it can't be done. I did this in my mid-thirties and we had our own daughter by the time I was 38.

But all this 'Come live with me and be my love even though I have no idea about your children and who they are and what they are like,' does not sound at all sensible

Stinkpickle. Exactly what is happening to a friend of my mothers. Except bigger age gap, aggression including sexual, which has thankfully stopped. he is still alive and she could have another 30 years to go with much reduced financial circumstances.

I think you're right to be wary, especially as it's a new relationship. Put the brakes on.

Also looking at things from a purely practical perspective - do you think an older man with health problems and young children are going to be a great mix? You say he'd be great with your kids. How do you know this - has he past experience of looking after/living with young children? I don't mean babysitting but proper care. He might like the idea in theory but reality as we all know is somewhat different.

I would definitely be more concerned about how your children fit into your long term plans than the age gap. He may well be excited about meeting them but that's very different from sharing a home with them, especially as he has never married or had children himself. The idea is very different from the reality. Take it slowly I would advise.

When I retire at 67 dh will be 81 (14 year age gap).

Of course I may be infirm and unable to have an active retirement anyway.....but at 81yo I don't think dh will be up for lengthy trips abroad, etc. Realistically am I even going to have someone to enjoy sitting around in my old age with? Doubtful. I will probably have a lonely, single old age to look forward to.

Cross post there saying exactly the same thing!

Too soon for a new relationship, age gap not so huge that it would be a huge issue.

What does she say about his ex relationships? I know not every relationship breakdown has a hero and villain.

My mom is 56 and stepdad is 30... she has been with him since he was 19 and couldn't be happier age is a number it's how young you feel inside x

The older you are the more hesitant you are likely to be
at 30 I'd get involved with someone 15 years older
But at 55 a man of 70 would probably look like too much of a liability, unless this is a Jerry hall and Rupert Murdoch sort of scenario of course🤡