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Original poster

13 year age gap - can it work into old age?

181 replies

NancyIris · 19/07/2017 10:46

I am 37 and have recently started seeing a 51 year old man. We have an amazing amount in common and I think he's completely amazing. He is a very caring person and makes me feel very treasured. I am coming out of a broken marriage and have young DC so am wary. He has had various long-term relationships / been engaged in the past but has not been married or had a family.
He is very keen for me to move in and has mentioned marriage (as proof of commitment rather than to put pressure on me).
I am head over heels right now but also a bit scared by the age gap! I feel like it will be magnified as we get older? Also he has some health issues such as high BP, asthma, old sports injuries (he used to run / train a lot, but less now) etc whereas I have the constitution of a moorland pony.
Should I be worrying about the far-off future like this or just enjoying now?
Does this age gap seem too wide?

OP posts:
RockyBird · 21/07/2017 09:57

My grandparents had 12 years between them. She was a young 60 to his old 72 and regretted marrying an older man.

Original poster
NancyIris · 21/07/2017 09:59

At this point though everything is fantastic! Seems stupid to talk away from a great relationship at 37 in case it's awful when I'm 60? I might not find anyone else, and I would miss him so much!

OP posts:
Guccibelt · 21/07/2017 10:04

I think it's all jumping the gun a bit. He needs to meet your children in time then get to know them, staying over occasionally until he gets an idea about what it's like living with two young children when he never has before.

It's lovely to be complimentary and romantic at this stage and there's plenty of time for the reality of family life eg ill children, disturbed sleep, squabbling, temper tantrums, school woes, homework etc.

adifferentnameforthis · 21/07/2017 10:13

The age gap isn't a the problem (DH is 15 years older than me and he must be bloody George clooney because girls much younger than me fawn over him all the time - he's the catch here not my "hot young body") - he married me for my intelligence and sense of humour)

I'd be more concerned about his intensity - ifs just often a warning sign of an abuser which sounds horrible and over dramatic but still it's what my gut says

theporcinegrappler · 21/07/2017 11:34

Don't walk away, enjoy it while it's good, but don't get locked in.
That way when he gets old and tired and you're still raring to go you can end the relationship and find a hot younger man to have some fun with.

Don't get tied to an old man who might sap your life force

Original poster
NancyIris · 21/07/2017 11:35

That way when he gets old and tired and you're still raring to go you can end the relationship and find a hot younger man

Haha! Sounds a bit heartless put like that though!!

OP posts:
theporcinegrappler · 21/07/2017 11:40

Think about it, the 50s is the decade when the difference really starts to show.
Those who don't have a strong constitution and/or haven't really taken care of themselves start to have problems.
You know with cars there's a point at which things start to go wrong and you have to decide whether to keep investing in it and get things repaired or cut your losses and get a new car...well he's one of those cars.
You could be buying a lemon, and he knows it hence the pressure to lose the deal.

Enjoy it for now but keep your options open!

theporcinegrappler · 21/07/2017 11:42

**Close the deal, not lose the deal.

Heartless ?
I'm just offering a pragmatic unemotional viewpoint, we all know that judgement goes to hell when you're in love

Original poster
NancyIris · 21/07/2017 11:45

If we're being very pragmatic and unemotional, he knows even if we got married I could still walk away in the future as I have left DH.

OP posts:
guiltybystander · 21/07/2017 11:46

Personally I would draw the line at a 10 year age gap between me and an older/younger person in a LTR. Anything more is just too much. But it's just me.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/07/2017 12:55

Do remember, though, that it's easier to walk away from a position of independence.

After how long would you like to move in with him? Not thinking of his preferences at all, but just your ideal?

toughduck · 21/07/2017 13:07

This is giving me even more food for thought! I'm 25 dp is 41 and right now I'm feeling he pressure of having another child, let alone retirement!

ClementineWardrobe · 21/07/2017 13:17

13 years between my husband and I. He's my silver fox. I bloody adore him, we've always looked after each other. If it comes to taking more care of him later on, I'll do it in a heartbeat. Love is hard to find, if you have it then grab it with both hands, and make the most of every minute. Even if you were born on the same day the same principle applies. Anything can happen can't it? Live now and stop worrying. Xx

Original poster
NancyIris · 21/07/2017 14:30

How old were you when you got together with your DH Clementine? Sounds like the two of you have a brilliant marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 21/07/2017 14:47

Charlotte I think ideally about 6 months from now I would consider moving?

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyIris · 21/07/2017 14:47

i.e. in the new year, if things are still going well at that point.

OP posts:
usersos · 21/07/2017 15:30

Why are you thinking so far ahead? Can't you just enjoy it for just now?

honeylulu · 21/07/2017 15:52

My husband is 14 years older and its never been a problem. We met when I was 20 and he was 34. The gap seemed biggest in those days (mostly because other people were obsessed with going on about it though!)
Doesn't bother us at all. We are really happy, together 23 years next week, married, have two kids.
We are planning our finances so that he will retire a bit later than he has to and I will retire earlier so we can hopefully enjoy some retirement years together.
If you love each other, nothing else matters as much.

thebigbluedustbin · 21/07/2017 16:05

It can work. I know lots of couples with age differences like this.

If you love someone (and I mean real, deep love that isn't based purely on feelings), it doesn't matter. Yes, the younger person may have to care for the older one at some point, but that can happen in any relationship and it could be reversed. Anyone can have an accident or become ill at any age, people die at all ages. So I wouldn't discount a relationship based on age because of 'what ifs' because if I did that I'd have to rule out any other relationship because of 'what ifs'.

summersun0 · 21/07/2017 16:15

Do you want children with him op?

BalloonDinosaur · 21/07/2017 16:34

There was 18 years between my parents and it didn't matter to them at the time. My dad retired when I was young (he was 57 when I was born) and looked after me while my mum worked full time.

However, he was diagnosed with dementia when I was 18, though he's been ill for a couple of years before that. My mum retired to look after him, but he ended up in a nursing home and died when I was 25.

I'm sorry, that sounds really brutal, and it totally shouldn't discourage you from being with this guy. Many people live happily into old age together. But unfortunately, things like this can happen.

AlessandroVasectomi · 21/07/2017 17:05

As nobody else has said this, it may be too obvious to point out so apologies if it is. All new relationships go through an initial period of infatuation when the parties feel as though they are walking on air and after 3 months you and your new man are no doubt still at this stage. That may be what is driving his desire to move you in and get married. However, if you view each other as potential long term prospects you have to work through the infatuation (and enjoy the euphoria that accompanies it) and then see how you feel when the dust settles. That can be anything from one to two years into the relationship and if you still feel as strongly about each other, then you know the relationship is right for you both.

In this case there is a complicating factor in the form of your children. I have no experience of pre-existing children in new relationships but they must be a very big factor in your deliberations over this proposition. Please don't be swept away on a wave of infatuation!

Presh12345 · 21/07/2017 17:33

Totally agree with Clemantine! I'm exactly the same as her and the 23 year gap is not an issue at all!! 😊😊😊

ClementineWardrobe · 21/07/2017 17:44

@nancyiris we met when I was 27 and he was 40. I'm more of a grown up than him most of the time. Grin
I'm 40 now, best decision I ever made marrying him. He's my best mate, he's always got my back. He's just poured me wine...I approve of this.

SheepyFun · 21/07/2017 17:50

My grandparents had 11 years between them - she was 21 when she married a 32 yo, so a bigger gap in proportion to her age. They had 60 years of very happy marriage. My grandmother had always expected to care for him in his old age, and did so willingly. He's no longer with us, but she is still going strong.

So the age gap alone shouldn't worry you, but do consider how you'd feel about caring for him later. Having said that, I would expect to care for DH if necessary, though we're closer in age.