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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

193 replies

ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 08/07/2017 20:51

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/07/2017 21:02

Well for a start it's not up to him if you go to the Drs so I'd get the earliest appt you can.

If he's always been like this then he's not going to change is he? How long it is before you split is up to you but I'd seriously be getting my ducks in a row because frankly this guy is bad for your mental health.

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 08/07/2017 21:13

Yes, I'd realized that.

I also know that if I make moves to go he will claim he is going to change.

Has anyone had success with that?

OP posts:
elevenswan · 08/07/2017 21:26

This isn't just jealousy or being suspicious. This is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship. I know how easy it is to play things down and try to get on with life but in my experience it doesn't get better and it doesn't change. I left and it was the best decision I've ever made, the freedom of not having to watch everything you say or do is amazing. I know it's easy to say and much harder to do but I promise you if you get out you'll never look back

noego · 08/07/2017 21:34

This sounds like psychopathic paranoia. You must get the fuck out of there....

Kr1stina · 08/07/2017 21:37

I agree it's very controlling and abusive. And no, it won't change, whatever he promises.

ScimitarsAndScarves · 08/07/2017 21:47

I agree, incredibly controlling. Lots of useful threads in Relationships that might help. Flowers

Mutiny0nTheBunty · 08/07/2017 21:50

Have to say I doubt he'll change, why would he? He has things exactly the way he wants them.

You must realise though that this is not normal and shouldn't be an acceptable compromise to you.

Alarm bells rang for me when you said about doing things that "make him look ridiculous". IME this is most typically said by controlling, abusive arseholes.

I wish I could be more positive OP but honestly I don't think he'll ever change substantially and in fact is likely to get worse.

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 08/07/2017 22:04

Thank you all.

Somehow seeing it in black and white makes it a bit odd, like its not my life.

I've not put down some of the more extreme stuff.

Its been insidious. Its become normal.

How the hell did I get to this?

OP posts:
thestamp · 08/07/2017 22:10

If you're able to search my username I have a thread called "aibu? I'm just so tired"

It's the thread I started because I was in a similar situation to you.

In the end we had to split. Men like this are just hard wired a certain way. My exs dad was the same with his wife.

Sorry. I know how hard it is x

thestamp · 08/07/2017 22:15

My ex was also obsessed with the idea that I was constantly trying to embarrass him. Or that I was trying to make him look bad. It was excruciating.

I never breathed a word of it to anyone because for the longest time I thought I was to blame somehow!

I look back now and wonder how I coped and why.

Voice0fReason · 08/07/2017 22:52

My ex was like this - it was hell.
I realised after I left him, just how abusive it was.

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 09/07/2017 07:39

@thestamp I found your thread, thank you.

I hope to be able to read it later.

Off for a big day out today. Lots of other families so I'm going to need to keep my head down and not attract attention.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/07/2017 07:46

It's not normal behaviour OP

You should be able to wear whatever you want whenever you want; have a drink if you want or talk to anyone. He's very controlling. Can you think about leaving?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2017 07:55

"This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

All the above are examples of his controlling i.e. abusive behaviour. The problem here is his abuse of you; he has done this to you. Such men as well never ever change; this is who he really is. If you look at his parents you will probably find that either one or both of them are exactly the same. Abuse like this is indeed insidious in its onset and creeps up on people. It is really no respecter of persons.

Relate are next to useless when it comes to abusive relationships and so I am not surprised they saw the two of you together. Waste of time all round really. I would certainly cancel any further Relate sessions and talk to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women instead.

I would also seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing this man. He won't make it at all easy for you re separation (he will then have to put in the effort to find some other woman to control) but it will be worth it for you and your children.

Re this comment:-
"Off for a big day out today. Lots of other families so I'm going to need to keep my head down and not attract attention"

This is so very sad; the fact you feel you need to do this at all. He has done a right number on you to get you to this low point.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what are they learning?. They must not continue to see this dysfunctional and abusive model of a relationship; they could well repeat this themselves in their own relationships. It is no legacy to leave them either.

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 09/07/2017 20:39

All good advice, and I know in my heart what I need to do.

When I manage to pluck up the courage I'll report back.

I am getting the feeling my life is slipping away and I don't want that.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 09/07/2017 20:45

He is living your life for you. Is that what you want? I escaped 7 years ago. There is not a day that goes past when I don't think about how wonderful it is to be free again.

You can do this x

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 11/07/2017 17:59

Bricking it here. I'm going to tell him I want a separation tonight.

He thinks things have been going really well lately but that's because I've been not challenging him.

OP posts:
elevenswan · 11/07/2017 18:40

You can do it, you've got us all behind you. He's probably going to try and guilt/manipulate you into changing your mind, saying he'll change, you're breaking up the family etc but stay strong and think about how happy you're going to be when you're free x

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 11/07/2017 19:05

Here are predictions:

  1. I'm having an affair / have had my head turned by Xxxx
  2. I'm depressed, and should take his advice on treating it (he's a psychiatrist)
  3. I'm throwing away our lovely life.
  4. I'm going to destroy our family.
  5. I'm making him look ridiculous.
  6. It will destroy his parents, we mustn't tell them (clearly they survived his sister's divorce and his brother's 2 previous wives).
  7. It will destroy his career.
  8. He changed over the chores, he can change his jealousy.
  9. We must give it a chance.

Ugh. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

OP posts:
rumbelina · 11/07/2017 19:10

Good luck op. I'm rooting for you, stay strong, stick to your answers.

He won't change. Or he will to keep you then it all starts again.

You deserve to be free.

Velvian · 11/07/2017 19:14

Good luck, op. Well done for making the decision, you can do whatever you want, don't let him talk you out of it. Xxx

CremeFresh · 11/07/2017 19:29

Don't get drawn into long discussions. Keep it simple and just keep repeating you want to separate.
Good luck X

ScimitarsAndScarves · 11/07/2017 20:16

And get your ducks in a row first - you look after yourself. Don't let him control any more of you - it doesn't sound Ike he thinks you would separate so make sure that financially you're as covered as you can be. So much support for you on here. Flowers

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 11/07/2017 23:23

I had to keep saying to myself "this is manipulation".

He wants me to have my coil removed and for us to stay in the same bedroom.

I have said I will consider this, but not promised.

I had a lot of " one more chance, you're the best thing that happened to me, I'm not going to break my vows".

This was tough.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 12/07/2017 00:25

Stand your ground and don't remove your coil, he's trying to trap you by having a baby.

Make it very very clear that you want a separation and don't muddy the waters by sharing a bedroom .

It is tough but you will be so relieved once it's over X