Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

[ModerateBecomingGoodLater]

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

I am going to be honest in part.

We are on holiday next week. He has suggested going to a lovely hotel. The kind of thing I would have bitten my arm off for 6 years ago.

Now, I don't want to be in the same building as him.

Know the feeling. I got to the point where I resented the food on his plate for keeping him alive.

He had such power over me. He looks pathetic now. Lonely and pathetic. I feel sorry for him.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Do not go on the holiday

When he has you in unfamiliar surroundings he will ramp up the psychological torture

You also should not be attending Relate with him

You know that famous photo of Nicole Kidman getting her decree absolute?

I was a bit like that at the end of Relate session. I'm not going back. I didn't budge.

We're not going on holiday. I'm moving into the spare room. I've deflected the coil issue for now.

So many promises to change. This is going to take time to convince him.

Nothing to deflect. Your body, your decision. He has no say.

And you don't need his effing permission to divorce him!! Don't let him condition you into thinking you need to appease him. God he sounds bloody contaminating!

You don't need to convince him. Just do it. Cut him out of the loop he is not your friend in this.

I've been for a walk. Ostensibly to get the phone number of a house for rent just down the street. This was at his suggestion.

On getting back, I was given the puppy dog eyes and asked if it felt liberating to know there was no one who had a right to wonder where I was or to get worried.

I said "yes". Fuck sakes. Its like I've woken up from a coma.

I'm considering moving out. But I'm wary about leaving the kids, and the legal ramifications.

I've told him that when it is time to move out, if its me that goes, I will chose the place (and like fuck its going to be 4 houses down the road).

I'll see a lawyer next week for some advice.

You are doing so well. Don't move out unless you are scared he will be violent and whatever you do, dont leave the kids. Can you hold on until you get some legal advice ?

In the meantime get copies of all documents that you will need.

KOKO one step at a time.

Yes, I can hold on. His manipulation is mental and I can see / feel it now.

If he touches me or the kids I'll be gone.

I'll try to get documents copied next week.

I'll search on here for a list. I assume passports, birth certificates, savings. Any mortgage docs.

Not sure there is any point copying bank statements if its all on line.

Its funny, he's preoccupied with the fact I'm ruining our family life and financial future. I don't want anything except my mental freedom and 50/50 access to the DC.

Tiny steps. Make up in my bathroom, hair stuff in his.

Have broached the idea of being out tomorrow so he can chat to his sister.

Tears. "You let me know if you don't want to play house".

I'm working on the principle that if he offers an inch, I'm taking it if its an inch in the right direction. Otherwise I'm holding firm.

You need as much info as you can about marital assets and debts.

House, car, Pension , savings, stocks and shares, life insurance , credit cards, mortgage.

An other properties or businesses you own or have shares in.

Even if it's all online, make sure he can't change the passwords and lock you out.

If you can't get copies, take clear photos and save on the cloud or send to a trusted friend, don't store on your own devices which he could take.

If he's jealous and controlling he may already be monitoring you in some way.

He's obsessed with money and losing face so he will be manipulative and deceitful about money and the kids during separation , just as he has been in your relationship.

I know you say " I don't want anything " but you have kids so you can't afford to take some sort of mistaken moral high ground about not wanting " his money " . You need at least 50% of marital assets as you will need up with 90% of the costs of raising the kids. Unless you earn more than him and will in future and I'm guessing not ( sorry if that's wrong ).

" All I want is my kids and my freedom" is a good sound bite but it's your kids that will suffer when they can't do their after school activities or holidays because you can't afford it.

Real life example - Friends husband has just left her and their three kids, 18, 14, 9. Their oldest had just accepted a place at an excellent university on the other side of the country. Best place in the UK for her subject.

Her father is now refusing to support her. He's a solicitor and mum is a part time teacher - she can just about pay the mortgage or her own but not £6k hall fees. Child can't get a bigger loan because of high parental income.

Their daughter is having to negotiate to get a place at a local university ( which she had already turned down ) so she can stay at home . She's devastated. Mum feels like a failure and can do nothing as legally it's between him and child.

Don't let this be you and your kids . Get as much of the assets as you can for your children's sake.

Oh bloody hell.

Thanks for the reality check. He acts useless when it comes to the electronic banking but he's a bloody intelligent and I can well imagine its long been an act to get me to do it all.

I earn exactly the same as him and could earn more if I needed to but I take your point about needing to pay for the kids.

My exh was like this, I couldn't wear skirts to work, couldn't socialise with male colleagues, couldn't talk to them, he'd check the mileage on my car to ensure I didn't detour on my way home from work, etc etc. I put up with it for 10 years and it was hideous.

Ironically it was us getting married that made me realise that I couldn't deal with it any longer and it was unacceptable behaviour. I realised that if I didn't do something about it I'd be stuck forever.

I did go back for a few weeks after tears and promises from him that he'd change, but in less than a week he'd reverted back to his normal behaviour. We've been split now for over 20 years, and he's remarried, I've heard from a friend that's he's exactly the same with his current wife but she's stuck now as they have children.

I suspect you are right that being useless with money is a ploy to get you to do everything. It's good that you are seeing through him now.

These men are very concerned with their " image " and " losing face " and can get very caught up with proving that it's your " fault " and their own " innocence " . All this " you are ruining our lives, I am blameless " stuff . What a martyr he is !

I love the idea that he thinks marriage is about him having the " right " to know where you are and that he can manipulate you into moving down the street. Cos that's so going to happen

BTW I do realise that " not going to Oxbridge but only to another excellent RG university " is a bit of a middle class problem. Buts that's no consolation to the kids who has the place but no money. And it's hard to see that far ahead if your kids are small.

So many of these men move onto another relationship very quickly and stop paying any child support, because they have more kids or she has kids. So getting the majority share of assets is better, although ideally you want both.

Hope you find a SHL and get some good advice soon.

My Ex-DP was exactly the same. Said exactly the same things. Issued EXACTLY THE SAME ultimatums re: clothes, no male friends, not drinking etc etc. One of his lines was that I was 'humiliating him.'

It was horrific. I tried so hard to understand why he was like he was and mistakenly hung on in there thinking / hoping he would soften and change for the better once he realised that I was not like his 'cheating' ex...

Please leave. I did. It was super-hard, but I did it and I don't regret it for an instant. I miss the 'good bits' but I absolutely do not miss all the emotional abuse that was heaped upon me - daily.

Thinking of you ModerateBecomingGoodLater You deserve so much better than this - and so do your kids.

Thank you all so much for the support.

In real life I am wary about telling people all the mad shit, because I want to try to be civil.

I really helps to have a space to be able to say this stuff and to know that his 30 minute weeping and half telling me things (he has booked to see a therapist, it must be all him, he's ruined his life being anxious) etc is not a sign its going to change.

I am mentally saying to myself, if this is real then it will be good for him in the future. I don't want to be intimate with him again. I don't want to share my feelings with him.

He can do this for himself. I am never going to trust or respect a man who told me he was glad our son was 10 days overdue because it made it less likely people would think I had played away while he was on a work trip.

If he says " I want you to want to do X" its OK to say no.

He's a psychiatrist but it's never occurred to him before to seek help for his " anxieties " ? Right.

And when you were 10 days overdue, his concern wasn't for your health or the baby's welfare, it was for his public image ?

What a prince.

And yes you are right, it's ok to say no to him.

So glad this thread is helping you.

Bravo OP! You are doing so well. I don't know what the legalities are here, but if it was me - I would be taking the original documents like birth certificates/passports etc for myself and the kids. Not copies, I would not want him in control of these documents.

You know, don't you, that he has no intention of seeking help for his issues.

It's pretty unlikely that he will ever see a therapist. But if he does it will be to talk about his cheating wife and her unreasonable behaviour. About how he has tried so hard to make things work for the sake of your child but all you care about is your work . And how everyone thinks he's such a great guy and you are an ungrateful witch who is destroying her children's lives and breaking up the happy home.

And you are right, any changes he makes in his life will help him and his relationship with children . They are not yet another tool to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

If he's a psychiatrist, he should have had therapy, and should regularly see his supervisor.

I'm not going to get into his professional issues, but not all psychiatrists do psychotherapy so supervision is different.

Christ I need to vent.

This mornings gems have included:

"You deprive me of crucial information that I need to make good decisions" = I didn't relay the minutiae of some school yard gossip about which child is in which class next year.

"I like the way we work together to get the kids ready in the morning." = me getting up at 6.30, shower, dress, take kids for breakfast at 7am, get kids dressed, do snacks, empty dishwasher, put laundry on, put laundry away. His alarm isn't set till 7. He frequently doesn't get in the shower till 8. No bloody wonder he wants us to stay living together.

"do you like having your toothbrush in the other bathroom?"

" I bet you didn't imagine getting divorced in your 40s when you were a little girl"

"If you can learn to communicate effectively with me then there's no need to split up"

My new form of effective communication is silence.

@kr1stina you are so on the money its a bit scary!

But reassuring that its not just me being mad or bad or feckless.

God, he sounds a nightmare. He's lucky your toothbrush isn't rammed up his arse. Sideways.