Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

[ModerateBecomingGoodLater]

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

I'm in the spare room.

I feel strangely powerful.

The baby thought hadn't crossed my mind.

You haven't instigated a separation because of your coil, you laid your reasons out in the opening post.

Well done for making the decision to take your life back from him. Can I just ask, you say the baby thought hadn't crossed your mind, what did you think he meant by asking you to remove your coil? Is he insinuating it's affecting your 'mood'?

This is abuse. Of course he wants you to get pregnant so you are trapped with him. Run.

Good grief no wonder you're down is there anything you can do

He is adamant the coil is affecting my mood.

He is affecting my mood.

He is devastated this morning, and wanting to act like nothing has changed.

The most difficult thing is trying to construct an explanation which he "believes" but that doesn't hand him all my cards.

I am basically prepared to be the bad guy. The one who gave up on their marriage vows. The one who felt it wasn't worth trying any more.

This thread is really helping. Thanks.

do you want an explanation for why you won't share a room with him? Or an explanation for why you are leaving him ?

Ah, no. I mean he wants an explanation of why I want a divorce.

The bedroom I stood my ground. I'm in the spare.

He is paranoid the kids will tell someone and we won't be "in control of the news agenda".

This is all a ploy to delay making it irrevocable.

He wants me to have my coil removed and for us to stay in the same bedroom.

This is really chilling.

You don't have to give him an explanation. But if you feel you should, just tell him that you are sick of living under his control.

His narrative is that I wear the trousers.

He says that the only part of my life where I refuse to compromise is work.

I feel the only part of my life which is my own is work, and I have made significant sacrifices there too (which he would see as joint decisions).

This is happening. It is going to be horrendous. Luckily my parents are on board and local, and I have some amazing friends.

What about "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce "

" But I'm entitled to a reason ? "

The reason is a don't love you anymore.

" You must have someone else, I know you do"

You might think that but the reason is i don't love you anymore.

" That's pathetic, you have broken your vows, that's not good enough"

I know you see it that way, however I want a divorce because I don't love you anymore .

Rinse and repeat.

The more reasons you give him the more he has to argue with .

You can't argue with someone else's feelings.

Don't, whatever you do try to get him to agree that he's controlling or unreasonable . He will tie you in knots and reduce you to tears of frustration .

As long as you are clear in your mind what you want , and you have supportive family and friends, then you will get through this.

Stick to your plan

He is an abuser

Get ready for the violence. It will come. Or the suicide threats.

Chilling, this man does not care about you OP, he just wants to control and demean you, his constant accusations are his own self assessment of what he would do being a man, again, not good.

All I can suggest is you get away asap and lean on all your supporters.

He's a psychiatrist
Holy God!
Physician heal thyself! (you fruitcake)
Well done OP for standing your ground and best of luck for the future.

I had one like this.

Maybe not quite as controlling, but getting there.

He told me that my opportunity to leave came before I agreed to marry him, that I'd made my vows and he was holding me to them.

He accused me of emailing 'some bloke' - my niece's husband.

He would hover nearby when I was on the phone, correcting me and then berating me for what I'd said during conversations.

He was exhausting. It's not going to get better, OP. Stick to your guns.

We go back to Relate tonight.

I am going to be a stuck record. I don't love him anymore. I want to separate.

I want to go to mediation to arrange division of childcare and delineate responsibilities for bills etc.

I want separate bedrooms, working towards separate houses.

I am not going to discuss the coil.

@MumBod the phone call thing! I can't have a private phone call without drawing fire.

AF - suicide threats.

Oh yes. The abuser prentends he is so upset he can't live without you. Cue more mental abuse.

I despise people who threaten this. Those that threaten it rarely do it.

Shocked that this is some women's norm, it's completely fucked up.

My xh was exactly the same. It's abuse.
I left and still struggle with how I'm supposed to act in certain situations because I was brainwashed into believing that everything was my fault. If only I didn't work with men or if only I didn't like floaty summer dresses he wouldn't have been so vile. I'm now happy and he's still vile.

Run for the hills then run some more.
I had one of these, after 6 years I left. They don't change, ever. Except to get worse. Mine started knocking me about. Not regularly but the threat and fear was always there.
The relief I felt when we split up was immense.

He's a psychiatrist?! Jesus wept. His poor patients.

Good luck OP. Stay strong

I rarely come on here.
Please please look up the freedom course. Or find a book called living with a domimator. When I did this course I realised about 50 extra things that were abusive as they were so subtle.

He's likely using his job to find ways to manipulate.

I've since figured out my abusive partner likely is on the autistic spectrum and everything was linked to social, sensory and overload! They can be very controlling and jealous and don't want to share you with anyone else.

I was accused of shagging driving instructors. Taxi drivers the lot. Mentally exhausting.

Please stay strong.

It's easier to leave someone that is abusive that's the easy part. It's near on impossible to leave someone when they are nice. That's the hard part.