Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

[ModerateBecomingGoodLater]

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

Hope you are ok OP.

I'm kind of OK.

Arguing with him is such hard work.

Nothing makes me want to try again, but at the same time it would be so easy to just accept some of his demands.

I surprised myself by coming right off the fence with a few things, like the coil. But then he beats me down with 'logic'.

I've agreed not to serve divorce papers till after half term, and that we will rent a little flat so we can live apart.

I've agreed he can buy me out of the house if he wants to. Frankly I'd be delighted!

It sounds like you're doing amazingly, MBGL.
Hope you got some sleep.

You may need to decide to stop arguing with him, for your own sanity.

Just come back with grey rock responses " yes you might well be right " " I don't know what I want " " I'm not sure what's for the best " and " I'll think about it " .

Arguing with your STBXH about the coil that's in YOUR BODY is just bizarre. What on earth does it have to do with him? I understand that he wants to get you PG so you will stay, but how it's that going to work if you are not having sex ? Do you think he would rape you ?

No. He is adamant it is affecting my mood.

I truly don't think its a pregnancy thing, it would need to be rape.

Unless he thinks I'm sleeping with someone else and wants to trick this out of me.

You're right I need to stop arguing with him.

Ah, so it's a variation on the theme of " you are not doing what I want so you must be mentally ill".

Just say " you may be right, I'll discuss with my GP at my next appointment " . Then do nothing. Or lie and say you've had it out and you still want a divorce .

Anyway you MUST be having an affair because otherwise why would you want to leave such an amazing man as him ?

The more you write about him, the more of a head fuck he sounds.

And the great thing about his focussing on your body and how he should be allowed to control it is.....

He doesn't have to consider his behaviour and how it's destroyed your marriage. Cos it's all your hormones innit. Your fault again natch.

Of course you could always just say you had it removed on x date (shortly after whenever you last had sex) if he keeps going on.

How's the flat hunting going?

Just venting here.

He's been away for a week doing a super exciting hobby thing. Back yesterday morning.

House full of his mess and washing.

Last night I was working till late, got home to discover the most monumental chaos, kids screaming, nothing tidied, food everywhere.

Bit later, he's got the kids to sleep and gone out to see friends. Leaving the place a pigsty.

Rolls in about 1.30 waking the little one.

This morning gives me a load of grief for not wanting to share a lift to work (I'd assumed he wasn't working), interrogates me about the sodding coil and what we've been up to while he was away, then bursts into tears claiming his heart is breaking.

He's supposed to be looking after the kids this evening while I pack us up to go on holiday (not him) but I fear he's going to deliberately make them miserable then bugger off to his prize giving.

Aaaaaaaaagh

OP can I ask, how are the kids coping in all this?

You seem to be just about managing the situation, but I feel you bend every now and again just to shut this man up.

You need to stand firm. Set out exactly what you want, what you will and won't discuss and exactly what is going to happen on your side of things. No compromise (unless its for the obvious things like childcare arrangements etc). And as for your coil? it's bugger all to do with him. Tell him to leave the coil and your moods out of it. This is happening and those things are irrelevant.

moderate this man is awful. An insecure desperate shell of a man, no matter how intelligent he is.

Your life will be a million times better without him.

One thing I wonder about. Even a monkey manages to type something accurate every so often. Just googling Mirena coil, it does seem that it affects moods sometimes quite badly. Is it worth considering having it removed for your own sake, when you aren't being fucked around by this sorry excuse for a human being (god help his patients)?

@MollyHopps thanks for asking. The kids seem to be OK ish. The little one is 3. She misses him when he's off doing his thing but always gravitates to me at home. She seems pretty chilled that we are in separate rooms. She will definitely miss me when I need to be away.

DS is nearly 7. He has been very clingy and cuddly recently. He winds H up a lot, and H has been a bit rough with him in the past. So I think he senses something is up.
He has commented that on holiday I will be "3 against 1" which is a phrase H uses as an excuse for not doing anything with the kids, or for getting cross with me if I go running etc. I've reassured DS that I like being with him and DD, and we will have loads of fun. But I'm sad that he equates being with just H as difficult.

I am really trying my absolute best to keep things "normal" when we are all in the house, but H is such an obstructive manipulative sod that what happens is I get sucked into his drama and end up missing my time / work deadlines etc.

@SeaEagleFeather I would be the first to admit the mirena might have affected my mood if I felt I was actually mad or depressed.

In reality since I had it I've been very clear in my mind and level headed. Since I decided to split from him my mood as been A1 fine. Apart from when we have to interact!

I had a bit of a melt down at work, and was just doing my normal thing saying "it's fine. I'll be fine" when one of my colleagues took me aside, gave me a massive hug and said " but its not fine. He's being a shit. You can't go on pretending."

They are right. I need to find a flat, I need to get some counselling, and I am going to lie to him that the coil is out.

is it possible the Mirena is working the other way then, and making you think more clearly?

That's what I think! But I'm not sure it matters. He is exerting control over me. Or trying.

Re the coil I would say "Not that it is ANY of your business as we are separated but I had it out months ago. As we haven't had sex since x it's not like I needed to ever tell you."

Then walk off and any thing else of a personal nature he says to you from now on pick a consistent phrase to use and do not waiver from it!! Something like "We are separated so that is in appropriate thing to say/ask as well you know"

KOKO

Don't tell him you've had it removed he'll ramp up sexual overtures. Just repeat none of your business we are separated.