Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

[ModerateBecomingGoodLater]

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

I'm glad you're safe

Hope tomorrow is OK. Maybe the children can take him somewhere for his birthday and you can pack. If not then just leave without essentials; if you can get away then do.

Take care OP; stay safe

He is losing control of you

He will escalate. He already is. Do you want your children witnessing that ?

The police will remove him if you call them. Keep your phone charged and by you.

If she calls the police he will pull the " I'm a psychiatrist and my wife is mentally ill " shit. He will be nice as nine pence to the police. Remember this is an act ( in the sense that the crying etc is not real sadness ) he can turn it on and off at will. He won't do anything inappropriate in front of them ( or anyone else ) .

He cares about controlling her but he cares even more about his public image .

This is possible. He's friends with the local force. Does things like report local teenagers for being rowdy in the toddler park, interacts with the local PCOs on Twitter.

And is so bloody plausible to those in authority.

He jokes about it. Using his "Jedi mind skills" to get off parking tickets etc.

That's why you speak to specialist unit and WA start building your evidence...

Lots of weeping and apologising, but the immediate storm has passed.

He's agreed to go away for the day, on the understanding I don't poison the children against him or move out while he's away.

I am going to park the kids in front of the TV and sort the leaving list. I'll try to do grab bags, and find my parents house keys just in case (they are away).

I might tell a local friend in case I need an ally.

Well done - you are thinking clearly and calmly. I agree with logging everything and speaking to WA. Telling a friend is also an excellent idea; could you maybe speak to someone and then continue/confirm some of the conversation by email so that you have a "paper" trail?

You're being so strong. Tell a local friend and get those bags packed. You can do this.

Well done. Pack your bags and move out while he's out. Don't worry about what you agreed just get out.

Stay safe. Pack essentials and go.

Don't do things as a family. You are no longer a family.

Yes, be prepared to go at a moment's notice. Make sure you take the children with you.

What are you working towards long term whilst staying there? Have you found anywhere else yet? Will he? The sooner you split the better.

Hmm please do phone calls, his behaviour is very worrying indeed. It will escalate again and this behaviour is all fake.

Do you have your own car? Keep bags in boot take his key off him. Don't drink so you can leave at a moments notice.

I wouldn't be surprised if he spends the day watching the house! Please assume he is monitoring your every move - key loggers, cameras etc. Be careful!!!

Please do log yesterday's incident with the police.

I can go to my parents. I'm aiming to see a lawyer early next week.

I'd rather he went, and if he gets legal advice that he believes he might do that.

The cars are both in his name. I could stash a bag with a friend.

He doesn't like me drinking (he thinks I have an alcohol problem) so staying sober is not an issue. I knew something was up the other week when he suggested having a drink in the evenings to help us sleep.

I dropped him at the station. I suppose he could get a cab or bus home but its unlikely. Mind you, you lot have been very right so far.

It doesn't matter both cars are in his name as they are marital assets. Is one usually his and one yours?

Progress made.

I've photocopied the crap out of my life.

2 massive oh fuck moments: firstly I'm named as a co-owner on the asset he's in arrears on. And second, the documents about his "big" ISA are missing. Probably a victim of his chaotic filing system but after the past few days I'm not as naive as I was.

Its not a complete disaster, but a significant sum. I've got copies of the preceding years, but the most recent ones are gone.

Bag of emergency clothes are packed.

I think you are doing the right thing - this isn't jealousy per se... It's controlling behaviour. He's clearly a very desperate, sad, insecure man.

My DH is jealous - he knows it. He doesn't try to stop me living my life and I certainly don't make any allowances for him. Except for not cheating on him which i dont want to do anyway! His comes from the fact that him and his ex cheated on each other. His circus, his monkeys.

God I have so been where you are. The parallels are chilling.

Please tell friends. Please. That's what saved me in the end.

You are doing the right thing. My DS was 3 when I left. He doesn't remember anything bad. He's so happy now, we are so happy together. It's worth every tear. But you must tell friends, you need them. It's not even that he will kick off in practice and you'll need rescuing - it's simply knowing that you CAN be rescued that changes things for you. It gives you strength, peace and a sense that you will outwit him.

Be strong op and tell others. Please tell others.

My parents know.

2 very close friends know enough or are loyal enough to help if asked without question.

A mutual friend from London has just messaged to say he met H a few hours ago and wants to make sure I'm OK. He seemed pretty appalled, god knows what he's been told.

All that remains today is to get the bag out of here, and look after the DC.

Its the sudden changes I can't cope with.

One minute a tearful contrite apology, then a sarcastic poor me text.

Spoke to the DV helpline earlier. They were massively disinterested. Didn't take any details.

Sorry to hear that the helpline weren't more use, but well done for getting on with everything. You are on the right track here, keep going!

Bags at friends.

Speaking to mutual lawyer friend tomorrow evening, which is less than ideal but will make official appointment for myself later in the week.

Friend very kind and supportive, and shocked.

Good luck.

Good luck and keep safe.

And in answer to your question you ARE coping with jealous/paranoid behaviour and setting a good example to the DCs too.