Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

[ModerateBecomingGoodLater]

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

Yep he his going to be awful and not do anything to facilitate you splitting or moving on. Get all agreements in writing and make a note of when he doesn't abide by them...

I'm doing OK, thanks for asking.

But, things in general aren't easy.

He got back at 5 yesterday, and was arsy about why I hadn't cooked supper for him (I was planning to eat out so had done food for the DC).
He was very "upset" that none of the kids were interested in where he'd been for the night and the day (I knew, it was all over FB).

He wanted to know what my plans were: are you being deliberately vague to annoy me? But where are you going?

In the end I did bed for one child, then just left. He was trying to have a conversion all about how much he's changed and how he thinks I've made a huge mistake etc.

I had a v nice night with a friend and was tempted to stay out but didn't.

This morning he was really controlling by chaos so I very nearly missed the thing I had planned.

This evening when he got back with the kids he's been pushing for affection in front of them. Loathsome. He's acting like its all fine.

He is trying to grill me about where I've been but saying "of course you don't have to tell me".

All I need to do is keep stalling till I've seen a lawyer then we can move forward.

I'm sorry, that all sounds very unpleasant. Although maybe it's better that he's acting exactly like you would expect, at least you know you are doing the right thing.

It can be very confusing when they turn on the charm just as you are leaving. Although frustrating because you know that they can act like a decent human being when they want to ( it's just you are usually not worth the effort ).

Don't you just want to slap him when he starts pawing you / begging for affection in front of the kids ? < sigh>

He's just awful, KOKO stick to statements and brush offs.

When trying to do something or say it - just state "That is unreasonable"

He is so furious this evening.

I got up and walked away when he was being really unpleasant.

He still wants to discuss emotional minutiae. I did point out that I don't have to, and that I am not doing this lightly. That I have thought of the consequences for me, him, our finances and the future and that it is not rational.

He is going to keep pushing his view that we need to get back together.

Keep going with the broken record.

"The marriage is over for me, I am not prepared to discuss it" or whatever is the best fit. You need to continue to shut down the conversations as quickly as possible.

You could suggest he writes it down, means you can ignore it but also I wonder if he'll commit his abusive bullshit in black and white...

Still thinking of you and rooting for you, Moderate.

I hope the broken record is still providing a way to not get sucked into the emotional minutiae. Sounds like you've been using it to good effect.

Did you manage to see a lawyer?

Well the good news is I'm OK, and things aren't going backwards.

He is still being foul and belligerent and accusing me of making a big mistake, claiming he wants to save me from myself, as well as stopping me from damaging the kids, him, our financial security etc etc etc.

Then at times he is weeping and wanting to be friends.

Then telling me he loves me and has changed.

Then demanding I get the coil removed.

Jeez, Moderate, what a total headfuck this must be for you, swinging from one extreme to the other.

Has he always been like this, or is it now that you have detached and he is losing control and he's trying to come at you from every angle to see if any work?

Reproductive coercion is a thing. Be very, very careful. Can you get the implant as a belt and braces.

After all, he's bound to think it would be harder for you to leave with another child.

Wow you are doing so well. I imagine (and hope) that his behaviour since you first told him you wanted out has actually made it easier and given you more and more certainty and strength. What a plonker he sounds. I Have RTWT but have you actually asked him to move out? Did I miss that?

I'm over 40 so chances of a pregnancy are slim, and we are in separate rooms. He's more preoccupied about my mood (so he says).

I might say I'll get it taken out once we are living apart. I am not really considering having it removed.

I haven't asked him to move out. He insists I move out.

Lawyer tomorrow. We saw the bank today and now have separate bank accounts which is a huge step!

On some levels we are cooperating well, which makes the manipulation much more obvious!

He's said some unforgivable stuff.

Well done with moving ahead with the bank and seeing a lawyer. You are getting there!
KOKO.

Lawyer was extremely blunt, and helpful.

After about 25 minutes he said that it was incredibly unusual to meet someone who was separated and heading to divorce who was so concerned about what the other person thought and felt.

He basically said "he's a bit of a controlling shit isn't he? I'm not bloody surprised you're here".

His recommendation was to see a mediator, but to have separate consultations first where I am 100% clear what I want the outcome to be.

Then to stop pissing about and file, not try for a 2 year separation and then a divorce by consent. He through that would be 4 years of life wasted.

That is not going to go down well with H.

But I need to grow a backbone and get what I want.

You are on a roll here! Keep going - there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Love your solicitor already. He has clocked your H - please LISTEN to them!!!

Tonight is the night I tell him I don't want a 2 year separation.

I will be divorcing him. I'm not moving out until the legal process is in train.

My line is that I don't love him and I'm not prepared to stay in this relationship.

I am going to tell him that I'm not getting my coil removed. This is not up for discussion.

I would like to go to mediation to thrash out details of child care and asset division. I don't want maintenance or his savings or his pension.

I want a clean break with no shared assets, however that can be achieved.

I feel very anxious about this. He is either going to weep and wail and try to make me change my mind, or blame me for destroying our family and our financial stability, and breaking our vows.

I need to not care, and stay calm and focus on the long term plan.

I'll be thinking of you, MBGL.
Broken record, broken record, broken record...
Have you told anyone in real life you're doing this tonight? Might it be worth having someone on call on the end of the phone, just in case you need them to pick you up or anything?

I think it's expecting a lot of yourself to "not care". He will know how to make you care, because you are a human being, who loves your kids, and he will be expert in knowing how to push your buttons. What you will need is to be able to tolerate whatever feelings this throws up and stick with your resolve. It will be self limiting, and you will feel better again.

Good luck

sounds awful. what does he have to offer here?

Thank you. He's an absolute expert at tying me in knots. I'm just going to stay sober and brave it out.

My parents know we're talking tonight, and I have the keys to a dear friend's house in case I need to get away but I won't want to leave the DC.

Good luck OP and stay safe ok.

what the hell does your cook have to do with anything!

anyway, i've RTFT now and I'm just so so glad you are binning the bastard!

coil *