Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

[ModerateBecomingGoodLater]

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

Please for the love of God leave him and ruin his professional career by making an anonymous complaint to his bosses. He does not deserve the title of psychiatrist nor will he ever. He does not deserve to have a family if he is willing to treat them like this.

Ruin him. His patients should not be speaking to a man like him, he is dangerous. I dread to think what he has been telling them.

I hope you get away from him because honestly from what you've said, he needs some serious professional help and needs kept away from people until they manage to possibly get to the bottom of what's wrong with him. But he is not safe. Not for anyone.

Everything he is accusing you of is precisely what he himself would/will do. Please get the best lawyer you can afford. Do not move out unless you're taking the children with you. You are clearly very smart and your lightbulb moment came quickly. Please stay safe and try to engage with him as little as possible. I agree he is dangerous.

He is so contrite, until I scratch the surface at which point he gets really really angry.

He's never angry. I am trying to disengage from joint activities and endless discussion but he is very skilled at drawing me in to tasks (text at 4.50 this morning, asking for me to help get the tent down once the DC are awake because the wind is getting up), then delaying the task so I am late for a day out with a friend.

Asking if I want to hear about his trip away, then being "hurt" if I say no or try to do other things while he is talking.

He has claimed to have had an epiphany, to have realised how fucked up his views of relationships are, and has officially asked for one more chance (on the grounds that we haven't been here 17 times before).

I didn't answer.

I feel I am treading a very fine line between provoking him so that he becomes unpleasant and digs his heels in, and giving him false home that we can carry on living together.

@GeekLove thank you, that is a lovely thing to say, and just what I need to hear this morning.

He's just trying out different strategies to make you retract your decision. You are doing brilliantly. If you feel threatened in any way - yourself or the DCs - leave if you can do so safely or call the police. Please keep your phone charged and on your person at all times. He doesn't know what to do when he cannot manipulate you any further.

Op it seems like you're doing really well, I would only urge you to remember things like baby photos and and sentimental things that can be easily moved.
Your H very much seems the type to destroy or withold things.

He's a hoarder!

One of the reasons I am keen to keep moving towards separate living space is so I can throw stuff away. I'm drowning in his crap.

But yes, I have lots of digital copies of baby photos.

The way I'm feeling right now the wedding photos can go fuck themselves.

The thing is, I feel like I can "manage" him, but he twists my words and actions to suit him and I don't want to do that any more.

However, until I have had some legal advice I don't want to get to a point where we are unable to exist in the same house and I have to force the issue by leaving in a rush.

Despite his protestations that he his all to blame and has thrown away / destroyed his life by his behaviour, he is absolutely not moving out!

I know it's not very Mumsnet to do - but (((hugs))) to you! You are being so brave !
Keep up the strong front!! You will get past this and you will get your life back on track !
Keep smiling !!

OP, you are doing so brilliantly. You are coping, you are doing this, you are getting out of this situation. It's happening, and its all down to you and your bravery.

He sounds terrifying. When you do manage to leave him, and start a life where you are not dealing with his shite all the livelong day, every day will feel like being released from prison. You cannot imagine how much better life will be, and you're nearly there.

'I bet you didn't imagine getting divorced in your 40s when you were a little girl"
"If you can learn to communicate effectively with me then there's no need to split up"

I know this situation is far from amusing, but I couldn't help laughing at these comments. He is such a pathetic specimen. DEAR GOD at finding out that he is a psychiatrist - the mind boggles and boggles!

Considering I dated the offspring of a psychiatrist for WAY too long you are doing the right thing - better check your rights on the house first though.

Life's too short for mind games bullshit.

He's just awful, start saying no because he's proven everything is to draw you in.

No you can't help - raised eyebrow and walk off when he tries to tell you drivel. Learn how to stonewall.

Oh lord this is hard.

He is so suspicious and paranoid, even seeing a lawyer is seen as "madness" and "they prey on the vulnerable".

He keeps saying" I've changed so much" "I can't believe you don't see it, I'm a new man". And then 2 sentences later the old shit comes spilling out.

I want him out of my head so much.

People think that they are coping successfully with jealousy etc. but actually they are usually just being manipulated and emotionally abused.

I think that's been me. For 16 years. Jeez. What was I thinking?

That cold dread of "So, what did you do today?"

A new stick phrase

"Too little too late" - then remove yourself from the room/situation

Or

"A new man would respect my wishes and move out"

God - this sounds so hard op.
Thinking of you, and hoping that you find the clarity and strength to deal with all his shit.

He sounds quite deluded actually . Or he thinks you are really REALLY stupid.

Anyone with the slightest insight knows that you can't possibly 'become a new person' and 'change so much' in TWO DAYS . With zero effort, no professional or peer support. Nothing.

It's just the desperate ramblings of a man who knows that he's finally gone too far and you have at last seen through him.

I wonder when he will start with the suicide threats " I don't know if I can go on living without you " , " my life will be nothing without my children " . Because once he sees that you mean to leave, he will ramp up the manipulation.

Unless he goes the other way and suggests that you are the one who is mentally ill. " Have you thought of seeing the GP about these feelings you are having? ". " you have been under a lot for stress recently, no wonder it's affected you like this " . And telling all your friends and family that he's worried about you because you are acting oddly and imagining things.

Or maybe he's the type who will fake physical illnesses and start having chest pains or visual disturbance and headaches.

It's hard to tell. So many strategies for the manipulative and controlling.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I hope this thread is some support and gives you a little objectivity and insight into his behaviours. As well as somewhere to record you own feelings and give them legitimacy. Living with someone like your H makes it hard to trust yourself.

So I've already had a lot of accusations that this is my mood, and our combined sleep deprivation from the kids that is the source of the problem.

The thing is, that as soon as I decided I wanted us to separate my mood as improved 1000 fold. When I have to interact with him in a deep way (discussing feelings, plans for the future) I feel myself sinking again.

He is alternating between saying I am throwing away our lovely life, or that he and his craziness has destroyed the only thing he ever wanted.

This thread helps enormously. It is somewhere to vent, and to get really good insights into what his actions / words mean.

I am prepared for the utter misery he throws out but its still draining to hear that I've destroyed all the fun he could get out of his hobby (he claims it is a joint activity, but really its something he has always done and I don't hate).

So he's destroyed your 16 year marriage and devastated the lives of two little children. But the thing that concerns him is the fact that his hobby will be less fun without you tagging along dutifully.

And although he knows he's been " crazy " for at least 20 years, he never thought to get any professional help.

You couldn't make this up.

BTW don't have any truck with discussing your feelings. Do the grey rock thing and keep saying " I don't know / I'm not sure " and variations on that theme.

I urge you to cease discussing your feelings with him. Or even mentioning that you have feelings.

You need to become a broken record
"I'm not comfortable discussing this with you, I'm ending this conversation"
"That isn't something I'm willing to discuss"

Get up and leave the room when he enters it. Nicely, undramatically. Be busy with other things.
"I'm busy just now, if you could give me some space I'd appreciate that."

When he mentions his feelings:
"That sounds difficult. I'm not able to discuss your feelings with you as this is hard for me too." - and leave room.

If he follows you room to room, if it gets dire, you need to leave the house.

I know you are strong. I was strong too, I identify to a chilling degree with this thread. But if you get drawn in, he will drown you. He's quicksand. You've got to conserve your energy, I can't tell you how important that is.

@thestamp those are very useful phrases, thank you.

Thanks to all of your support and advice I can see how toxic this is now, and am starting to push back at these endless discussions.

However, it is a very entrenched pattern for us (him) and me challenging it by withdrawing provokes him into being aggressive, verbally.

I am still trying to maintain some semblance of co operation and civility until I can see a lawyer and know if I can move out, with a mediated agreement re access to the DC.

If I can't then I will just slowly slowly keep pulling away emotionally and practically.

We had a semi constructive sensible day sorting out finances and child care responsibilities on Friday, before he got really upset / cross and left at 5 ( as we'd agreed).

He's been posting lots of fab fun stuff on FB, and now I am thinking he's not going to come back tonight as agreed so I can have 24 hrs of time to myself. I've not got plans for tonight but I do tomorrow.

This is another type of control isn't it.

Even if he does come back he'll be pretty hungover and livid if I try to go before bed.

Moderate, I hope you're doing OK this morning.
I think you really are doing amazingly. It must be extremely hard going. Keep going, moment by moment.

So much of what you describe in this thread is alarmingly similar to the abusive relationship my sister was in with her then husband (& father of her kids).

I hope your H is playing ball in terms of having the kids when planned. I agree to not do so would be another method of control. My sister's H used it regularly. I am so pleased to see you seeing these things for what they are.

Another one rooting for you here.