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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone ever coped successfully with jealousy / suspicious behaviour?

193 replies

ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 08/07/2017 20:51

Married nearly 16 years, 2 DC.

Right from the start DH has been paranoid about infidelity, and not just physical stuff but me acting in a way that "makes him look ridiculous" in his words.

This has included making me agree to stop drinking unless he's there, not having solo contact with any of our mutual male friends, not socialising with male work colleagues, not wearing certain clothes that send the wrong message, and most recently getting absolutely furious when I offered a male work colleague to park on our drive for a few days. This was seen as him "plotting to spend time with me".

He frequently describes other men as " sex pests" if they are good looking or have good social manners. His friends are a lovely but nerdy bunch.

We've been to Relate for a few sessions, and mostly sorted out practical stuff like chores.

He is adamant the problem is my low mood ( but he's very reluctant for me to see a GP / get some counselling).

I'm torn between trying to challenge the jealousy and just calling time on the whole thing.

There are loads of other examples, but this is already long.

Any advice/ experience welcome. I'll not be able to post much in case he sees.

OP posts:
MumBod · 14/07/2017 12:58

He's actually a bit ridiculous, isn't he?

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 14/07/2017 13:00

Yes he is.

He is vacillating between being completely self loathing and being an absolute shit.

Its going to be a long struggle.

OP posts:
MumBod · 14/07/2017 13:08

Sounds like you're going to need to remain detached and laugh at him in your head

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 14/07/2017 13:15

I might need dentures my the amount of tooth gritting I'm doing.

I do feel detached, but very apprehensive.

I still feel this is my fault, that I am to blame for not making it work or for not valuing us over me.

OP posts:
MumBod · 14/07/2017 13:18

No need to feel guilty. You have every right to leave a relationship that is not making you happy.

Kr1stina · 14/07/2017 13:39

You can't make a marriage work on your own, it takes two.

And valuing your marriage is great - as long as you both do it. And it's AS WELL as caring for yourself, not instead of.

This is a classic line

"If you can learn to communicate effectively with me then there's no need to split up

and shows the level of his self absorption.

He's like a two year old who has no understanding that their mother is a seperate person with her own feelings and needs. Normal in a 2yo and very narcissistic in an adult.

supersop60 · 14/07/2017 17:52

I agree with all PP. I'd just like to add that you haven't broken any marriage vows, but HE has, by not loving and cherishing you.
Good luck, get out as soon as you can, and stay focussed! Flowers

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 14/07/2017 22:40

Dredging up the past. I'm getting better at saying no when I don't want to talk.

I've managed to demarcate which days I will be responsible for the kids and which I won't for the next 2 weeks.

He is still saying he only wants us to spend time together, that on his days he wants us to do family things.

Its very hard to get out of the habit of justifying what I want to do in my time alone.

I didn't tell him I'm seeing a lawyer.

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 15/07/2017 10:17

He sounds like a narcissist tbh, the self absorption, the pushing everything else in life into your shoulders, the manipulative behaviour, the gaslighting. All very familiar. If he is (and people who have positions of responsibility and are viewed by the outside world as being a perfect partner/father are) then he knows that he is the problem he knows that what he does is wrong and hurtful he just doesn't actually care enough to change that behaviour long term. He will make promises and then go back on his word as soon as he thinks he can get away with it and you will be expected to forgive and more importantly forget any and all transgressions.

RandomMess · 15/07/2017 10:24

"No, that doesn't work for me"

"No, we at are no longer a couple so I won't agree to that"

"No, I have things to do"

"No, that is your time to do the parenting without me around"

Keep working on stock phrases...

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 15/07/2017 16:06

Qeve managed a good day out, and its all seemed very amicable and relaxed.

Except when he cried in the car in front of the kids because I suggested I'd buy his new shirts as a birthday present.

Then on getting home we found a notice to quit (not the house) and he hasn't paid the rent on something for months. Of course not his fault. He's been trying to find the guy. They are our neighbours. This shit makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2017 19:39

Not your problem, detach, detach, detach and count the months until you are officially separated!

Hunted68 · 15/07/2017 19:44

Crying in the car.... Crocodile tears.

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 15/07/2017 20:18

Eugh.

Just venting, I know its all manipulation.

This evenings gems:

  1. I don't want to go to do a fabulous fun thing on my birthday because I want to spend the day having fun with you.
  2. I don't want to go because I'm worried you are going to change the lock / move out / throw all my stuff away.
  3. I get that I have been a monster to be married to, I am getting help. I want to change. I get that it might be too late. I want to do it for DS (no fuckin mention of DD and what a prize model of a relationship she's getting).
  4. So let me get this straight, you dragged me to Relate but knew it was doomed?
  5. I'm so sorry. I hope in time I can make you fall in love with me again.
  6. You never tell me what you are feeling (I had just finished speaking. Telling him he was belittling me).
  7. We got together as equals. If you want to throw it away then you need to leave. Go and rent somewhere. You can come over and help with breakfast and bed.
  8. All men worry about what their wives get up to when they are away.
  9. I am deranged and mad. It is all my fault.

He is a master at this.

I am getting to a point where I don't want to talk at all.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2017 20:31

Well don't talk then!

How old are the DC?

I would put the DC to bed/say goodnight to them in private and retire to your room - buy a TV and laptop if need be.

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 15/07/2017 21:11

Any Fucker was right.

I've never felt physically threatened by him till tonight.

He asked he when I first knew it was doomed.

I told him it was when he said he was glad DS was late.

His response? Well they were both conceived when he was away.

Then when I tried to leave he ran to follow. Tried to wedge the door open.

I'm in my bedroom. Doors locked. He's trying to talk at me through the doors.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2017 21:16

Please dial the police and ask to speak to the domestic violence unit (may have changed names/be different why you are). You need to report this and ask for their help/advice.

Also speak to womans aid urgently.

SadAngry

How old are the DC?

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 15/07/2017 21:25

DC are 3 and 6. Both fast asleep despite the raised voices.

He's outside the door. Icy calm. Saying things like "I didn't think that would upset you" "I don't want us to say things to upset each other" " come out here and get angry face to face".

I'm not going to call the police at this moment. He'd hear me and I am not ready to face that. Please don't get upset about me not taking that advice.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2017 21:34

It's fine to call tomorrow, but please do - it needs to be logged as it is likely to escalate and you may need to get a prohibitive steps order.

Just ignore him - got any headphones so you don't have to listen to him?

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 15/07/2017 21:42

OK. Noted.

I will get it logged.

Thank you so much. I am utterly destroyed by what he said. And this from the man who is trying to change.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2017 21:50

Please look up the essentials to take if fleeing list too, get all the documents in order and have emergency bags packed just in case you need depart quickly to live elsewhere.

Your H is not used to you standing up to him, in fact he's not used to hearing "no" he wants to argue with you so he can lash out in any way and blame it all on you.

Wreckingball25 · 15/07/2017 22:01

OP, you are doing so well. If you don't have earphones then maybe a white noise app will help you sleep/muffle his voice x

Shoxfordian · 15/07/2017 22:01

I hope you're safe OP.

Can he break into the room? I know you said you wouldn't call the police but please do if you think he can get to you

Original poster
ModerateBecomingGoodLater · 15/07/2017 22:08

I am safe. I doubt he could break in, and if I'm honest I think he is too calculating to be physical. He is obsessed with appearances.

But I am aware that the dynamic has shifted beyond his control and he has on occasion pinned DS down so I am cautious.

I am hoping to god I can get him out of the house tomorrow so I can get essentials packed as you suggest.

But its his birthday, and the DC know so we're going to have to try to play house for them.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 15/07/2017 22:09

I'm so sorry, this is awful. He knows what to say to really hurt you doesn't he ?

But you are not utterly destroyed. Because you can see through his manipulation and you know it's him and not you.