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Original poster

Very loving but sexless marriage

191 replies

SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

OP posts:
Comealongpond89 · 25/04/2017 11:14

Are you happy with this? I'm sorry but I couldn't stay in a marriage like that. Physical connection is important IMO. Why haven't you ever had penetrative sex together? Do you talk about it? If you're happy it isn't a problem but if it's bothering you I would have to do something about it

TheNaze73 · 25/04/2017 11:16

I'd end things. A relationship like that would be pointless

yetmorecrap · 25/04/2017 11:28

My mum is married to someone like this. She was embarrassed to tell me after a year that he just didn't like piv sex and she only learnt after they married he divorced first time because it was unconsummated!!

Poudrenez · 25/04/2017 11:29

In a similar position OP, but I would say I'm quite happy with it. We could probably talk about it more, that would help. Have you tried talking about it with your DP?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:35

Sex aside, we have the perfect relationship. He's a very loving, kind, honest man. All the good traits you can think of, he has it. He's incredibly smart and he's also handsome.

He just really isn't interested in sex.

OP posts:
Lanaorana2 · 25/04/2017 11:54

Yetmore - I know someone this happened to; she had the marriage annulled after a few years. I'm not sure of the details, but I think it was rather a dirty trick of the gentleman concerned - she was well within childbearing years and as far as I know she had no idea either. Not on.

OP talk, talk, talk. Massive sympathies as well, like most people I'm not sure I could hack that.

Imi22sleeping · 25/04/2017 12:08

We dont have sex the only problem i have with it is i want another baby!! Weve had a hard time since the birth of our daughtr 3 yrs ago which ended all sex. Neither of us have any drive at all but if we spilt up i wouldnt want a new relationship with sex. I just dont like it i actually read posts on here when people talk about sex and say have fun(its not fun its like climbig a hill no fun whatsoever) or how much they need it and roll my eyes i think walking away from a relationship cos of the lack of it really werid but i guess if you need it you need .

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2017 12:33

If he's as wonderful as you say he is, then he will go to counseling with you. If sex is important to you this will always be a problem. You might as well have a flatmate, not a husband.

TheNaze73 · 25/04/2017 12:36

OP, this is all going to be down to how big a deal it is for you. Some people will talk about how other parts of a relationship may be brilliant & it works for them, despite not having sex for 3 months but, that's because it suits them & their relationship. If it isn't right for you, then vote with your feet. Sex & money are the most common reasons relationships are ended. Hope you can find a less drastic solution though

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 25/04/2017 12:44

It's obviously a problem for you, or you wouldn't have posted. So the question is, can you go on like you are now?

I doubt it. 'Sometimes I feel I'm going to lose my mind' doesn't sound very sustainable to me. Does it to you?

It is OK to prioritise sex and to leave because you want sex. I absolutely would. I could not live in the relationship you describe, no matter how 'loving'.

Huskylover1 · 25/04/2017 14:09

You haven't had sex in 14 years?!! Oh my. I don't think it's ever going to happen, is it? I think separation is the only answer. He can be your friend, but he's never going to be your lover.

I'm crawling the walls if it gets to 14 days

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 14:12

You are basically just friends, if that will work for you both until the end of time then carry on and don't feel you have to conform.

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 14:13

But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Ah, so you are not so happy then.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/04/2017 14:19

So your marriage hasn't been consummated either?
He is going to be hard to change as it will be you that's trying to move the goalposts if you married him knowing he didn't want sex.
But does also make divorce a lot easier if that's what it comes to.

He isn't fulfilling his vows to keep you happy if he won't try and fix it though.

idpreferanegroni · 25/04/2017 15:04

Poor you! I can relate somewhat. My dp withdrew emotionally and sexually after our kid was born a number of years ago - alot happened in his life all of a sudden so there were reasons. I felt utterly trapped as unlike pre-kid I couldn't just up and leave. It builds resentment too.

There isn't much out there culterally and supportive for women who want to have sex but partner doesn't.....

2rebecca · 25/04/2017 15:48

Why is it only a problem now? I can't imagine continuing in a relationship with a man who never wanted PIV sex for more than a few months, or until I discovered he was asexual.
You can be friends with someone without sex but why marry someone who has no real desire to be your lover?
This is different to someone who develops erectile dysfunction when they get older, or the many couples where lack of sex is due to relationship problems and them not really fancying or even liking each other any more who had a healthy sex life in the early stages of their relationship.
This guy hasn't really changed. Your expectations and desire have. Why?

anxiousnow · 25/04/2017 19:16

Is there a reason that he doesn't like penetrative sex?

highinthesky · 25/04/2017 19:18

Being loved but not pestered sounds ideal!

Where can I get a man like that?

SpikeGilesSandwich · 25/04/2017 19:54

Sounds great. I have no interest either and struggle to believe that it's something I used to enjoy. Seems like such a silly thing to do now.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 19:59

Like I said, everything else in our lives is perfect. But yes it seems we're more like really good friends because there's no sex.

We were each other's first relationships. So we have never had PIV.

I want to grow old with him. I don't want to leave him. But sometimes I wonder about how PIV will feel like.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 25/04/2017 20:09

What about kids? I take it neither of you want them?

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/04/2017 20:13

So you're both virgins? Why have you done everything except full sex?

2rebecca · 25/04/2017 20:30

Did you never wonder if he didn't fancy you? If I was going out with a man and he never wanted to have "proper" sex with me I'd wonder why and wonder if he just didn't fancy me enough to get it up or if he was gay, although these days if a bloke is gay he'd just choose a bloke. As you were together for 10 years before marrying it sounds as though it's not a religious hang up.

2rebecca · 25/04/2017 20:32

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Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 20:35

I note that this is your first ever mumsnet post which makes me wonder why you chose here to post if you don't actually have kids

I don't have kids and I've been on Mumsnet for a year. I have namechanged for this. I don't get why this is odd - there are a lot of people without kids here.

OP posts:
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