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Original poster

Very loving but sexless marriage

191 replies

SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 20:37

No kids. It's not a big deal to us.

At first, I just thought we weren't doing full sex so I won't get pregnant. Then we got married and while we still weren't doing full sex, even the not-full-sex started to dwindle.

No, he's not gay.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 20:38

He told me a story before of how his mom told him that they (mom and dad) only did it three times - and all resulted to kids. The parents did not have a good marriage, and his mom made him her sounding board.

I suspect his mom's openness to him probably screwed him up.

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/04/2017 20:40

You are both depriving each other of a fullfilling and emotionally balanced life and a family by not getting to the bottom of this. .
Why not suggest single and couples therapy?
You sound a lovely person and you say dh is also. ..
That's depriving some dc of fantastic dps imo!

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 20:44

Yes, he is probably the most loving man one can ever have. Responsible, loyal, kind...all the good qualities you can think of, he has it. I struggle to think of a flaw other than this.

Which is why I'm ashamed of myself when sometimes, the thought of getting sex elsewhere crosses my mind. I quickly vanish it from my mind though and most probably will never do it. But am I really doomed to live my whole life not experiencing sex?

OP posts:
dementedma · 25/04/2017 20:46

I haven't had PiV sex with dh since I got Pg with Ds. Ds is 15 now. 30 years married this year. It's a bit shit really.

Itshellofromme · 25/04/2017 20:49

Have you discussed the issue with him? It's very unusual. What's his take on it?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 20:51

We discussed this once. He said he's just not the regular guy, he does not like sex. After that we never discussed it.

To be fair, I don't think I have that much of an appetite when it comes to sex. I probably only feel bothered maybe once a month, near my period.

OP posts:
ohsomany · 25/04/2017 20:56

How do you know you don't have an appetite for sex if you've never had it?

ijustwannadance · 25/04/2017 21:02

And how does he know he doesn't like it if he's never tried it?.

CheekyLoki · 25/04/2017 21:09

Some people put up with platonic love in a marriage/relationship possibly because they have never experienced a passionate sexual relationship before. They have simply no comparison. And they believe that this is what marriage should be like; just loving each other's personality. In fact it's a deficient relationship.

MakingMerry · 25/04/2017 21:12

It sounds as though he's asexual, and content as he is, and you have a low libido. I think the choices are you stay as you are. Or to seek counseling, although it doesn't seem that he would be very open to that as he's happy how things are. Counselling might either improve matters, or it might not. Or you open the marriage, with his agreement, and look elsewhere for sex. Or you seek an affair, without his knowledge. Or you use toys and the like, by yourself. Or you end the marriage. I think those are the main options.

If your relationship is as loving as you say, OP, he has to accept this situation is making you unhappy and commit to doing something to resolve it. I suppose it depends which of those possible options you prefer. It's not going to resolve by itself after 14 years, though.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 25/04/2017 21:34

You want to have sex. He doesn't want to have sex.

This is gonna fall apart at some point, unless you leave with honesty and dignity before that.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 22:10

I want to experience sex at least once. But I don't want it with random people. You know how they depict sex in the movies - passionate sex? That's what I want to experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 22:11

Did you never wonder if he didn't fancy you?

Sometimes. But he is able to get it up. He just does not want PIV.

OP posts:
Funnyonion17 · 25/04/2017 22:19

I'd want answers, his are a bit vague. The regular guy doesn't always want sex either. But never in 15 years, he maybe just doesn't miss what he hasn't had. Could you not discuss trying it together, see how u both find it?

Littlefrogletx · 25/04/2017 22:21

Do you think he is share of getting you pregnant?
Have you ever discussed kids?

ijustwannadance · 25/04/2017 22:35

How old are you? He is wasting your life. Do you want children? Are you certain he isn't gay?

ImperialBlether · 25/04/2017 22:42

I think you should both go to a doctor about this.

It's just so odd that he can have an erection but not want sex in any form.

whirlycurly · 25/04/2017 22:50

I feel so sad for you reading this. Intimacy is a precious thing in a relationship.

EllaNB · 25/04/2017 23:25

At first I was going to reply and say that in some relationships sex is not important and people choose to go with out as the marriage has other benefits however I do not know if this is the correct advice for you as you say that you have never tried PIV sex.

I really feel that by you staying in this relationship you are denying you self of many experiences, intimacy and passion that you would have with another partner who did want to have a sexual relationship with you.

Please talk to your husband again to see if he will ever change his mind. If he says it really isn't for him then you really need to think about whether you wish to remain abstinent for the rest of your life.

MargotLovedTom1 · 25/04/2017 23:31

Imperial - OP said sexual contact is through touching or oral. So it is not entirely sexless.

OP - do you think he would be open to visiting a therapist?

MargotLovedTom1 · 25/04/2017 23:32

Sorry - just reread and noted even the oral/touching hasn't happened for a few years either.

highinthesky · 25/04/2017 23:38

He told me a story before of how his mom told him that they (mom and dad) only did it three times - and all resulted to kids.

This doesn't ring true.

His mum has put him off sex, but intense psychotherapy could help provided he's open to it. But if it's not a problem, why go down this route?

helpmesusan · 25/04/2017 23:48

It's the mis match that is the problem, IMO.

Being loved but not pestered, as PP said, sounds ideal to me too!

In fact I would miss sex - but I want it way less than my DP, and it is causing problems.

But the point is that there are lots of folk out there, both men and women, who don't want much or indeed any sex. Likewise there are plenty of men and women who have high sex drives and want / need it regularly (whatever that means). It's not a problem if your partner is in the same camp as you. If your partner is in a different camp, it will create HUGE problems, I now realise. Sounds OP like you are in a different camp to your DH.

If you find something to even out the mis-match (that doesn't involve medication or hormone treatments!), please start a thread about it!

helpmesusan · 25/04/2017 23:49

But there is NOTHING wrong per se with not wanting it. I get tired of hearing about how precious and how important intimacy is, tbh. To some folk, it is. To some, not so much.

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