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Original poster

Very loving but sexless marriage

191 replies

SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

OP posts:
Mummamayhem · 26/04/2017 21:07

He could still be a gay nerd who works a lot. Or shock horror, he could be lying to you.

Sex life drying up happens a lot, I understand that. A relationship that's taken a toll over the years, work pressure, insecurity, lower libido. But to have never had sex with your husband is particularly unusual, especially as it is not even mentioned in your marriage. How can you not discuss that? It obviously bothers you?

How does he know that it is a problem for you? He presumably thinks you are accepting of this set up and he goes elsewhere. Don't waste your life on someone who won't even discuss this. Has he not asked if you want children? I just think it's a dreadful kind of 'loving' marriage if he doesn't even acknowledge all you are quietly giving up for him

Itshellofromme · 26/04/2017 21:12

Do you think he appreciates how unusual this is?

What do you both say to people who ask when you are having children?

It sounds more like he could be asexual than gay. Or he has some kind of phobia/response to trauma. The fact he mentioned what his mother said shows it has obviously played on his mind over the years.

anxiousnow · 26/04/2017 21:30

Sorry OP. I hadn't seen the response about children. I just thought that discussing children with him was a way to broach the sex subject as you both seem unable to talk freely about it. Even if you are not bothered about children it is still a conversation opener.
Do you ever get any sense that he was abused in some way? You both seem sweetly timid, but unless you both get some courage the situation won't be resolved. Even if you go to counselling you would still have to talk about it together. There is no other way around it. The problem can't be resolved until it is understood, which it clearly isn't. Do you fancy your DP and feel a loving desire or do you feel more of a friendship love?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 21:32

The fact he mentioned what his mother said shows it has obviously played on his mind over the years.

I'm thinking there might be more to it than what he told me. Maybe his mom told him a lot more. His parents had a really crappy relationship, with his mom rearing them all to be on her side. When he tells me evil stuff that his father supposedly did, they're really not so bad compared to what other men do.

What do you both say to people who ask when you are having children?

That we're ok with not having children. And we really are.

He could still be a gay nerd who works a lot. Or shock horror, he could be lying to you.

No, I really do not think so. I'm not in denial. I think he's more asexual than anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 21:34

Do you ever get any sense that he was abused in some way?

Sometimes I wonder if this is the case.

Do you fancy your DP and feel a loving desire or do you feel more of a friendship love?

I think he's very handsome. And I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have sex with.

OP posts:
AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 26/04/2017 21:48

Some people are asexual. But I find it odd that apparently having never even tried sex he knows it isn't for him.

Mummamayhem · 26/04/2017 21:58

I just think it's terribly sad OP that in 14 years you haven't been able to have a open discussion about this with the person you love and are attracted to. You are willing to give up even the discussion about starting a family. It seems either really naive of him or incredibly heartless.

AgathaF · 26/04/2017 22:04

If you find it hard to discuss with him, could you write him a letter telling him how you feel?

anxiousnow · 26/04/2017 22:45

Sexless, I feel desperately sorry for you both. You may both be suffering secretly. You with no intimacy and him maybe with abuse. Being so unable to talk, yet seemingly so in love. What about Agatha's idea? Writing it down. I truly can't see any other way than you taking a step. Either talking/writing/initiating/leaving/accepting.

anxiousnow · 26/04/2017 22:47

Do you lose inhibitions with each other in other ways? Do you ever get drunk and do crazy dancing together, or squeeze a horrible spot or admit really embarrassing no sexual thoughts/acts

KimJongCunt · 26/04/2017 22:51

Wow.

This is some crazy shit. Do you know that OP?

You are married and you are a virgin. Now, lets just ponder that for a monent.....

marriedvirgin if that isn't the most pitiful kind of oxymoron then I don't know what is.

You need to tell your husband to stop taking the piss.

Either he fucks you or someone else does.

DO NOT die a virgin unless you are unequivocally sure that you want to.

I mean, Jesus Christ!
People live like this?!?

FellOutOfBed2wice · 26/04/2017 23:02

This is really odd OP but I think you know that (and if you didn't five pages of us all saying it might be making you think it is). At the end of the day, fucking or no fucking, you need to talk because above all else that's what's lacking here. You need a full and frank conversation about this, because you can't do this for the rest of your life!

saturdaysaturday · 26/04/2017 23:07

Kim

Don't you think you're being a bit harsh? He obviously has something going on, whatever that is. She loves him and is in a happy marriage, we all have our flaws.

We don't know how affectionate he is. If he is loving, supportive, kind, caring etc. Then the lack of sex is very minor in my opinion, children is still an option for them. Not everyone lives their lives around sex.

SleepFreeZone · 26/04/2017 23:18

The OP is perfectly entitled to be married and be a virgin. The problem is she would like to experience full sex with he husband. OP you need to talk to him about this properly.

KimJongCunt · 26/04/2017 23:33

I don't live my life either for or indeed around sex.

Still it is an expectation of my marriage.

That's pretty standard and reasonable outside of MN.

ijustwannadance · 26/04/2017 23:37

I still can't believe that anyone could be in a supposedly loving relationship for so bloody long without discussing it. Ffs OP, just tell him you are fucking frustrated. By ignoring the issue for so long you have made it normal.

What did he do when you did have sexual contact? Did you not even attempt to climb on etc?

You say he loves you but if he did he would be concerned for your happiness too and get his issues sorted or at the very fucking least be honest with you. You are living a lie. Did you get back with him because he was the safe option?

AliMonkey · 27/04/2017 00:01

I can relate to some of this. I was my DH's first gf. He was a virgin. We didn't have sex before marrying as I believed in waiting (though I wasn't a virgin, I had "given in" to a previous bf a handful of times but wished I hadn't). We had PIV on honeymoon but it was a disaster - not enjoyable, uncomfortable and painful. We tried again a few times but gave up - but still "had some fun" occasionally. We have since had PIV three times (discovered that lube made it more comfortable but still not particularly pleasurable), each time resulting in a (planned) pregnancy. My youngest is 10. We occasionally mutually masturbate (maybe 1-2 times a year).

It's not ideal but I'm just not that interested and can't see how PIV would be enjoyable enough for us to bother. DH would like more (and we do occasionally have that conversation and I try to make the effort) - but we've basically not discussed PIV itself for 10 years.

It's easy to fall into a rut and not so easy to break the pattern. And for all those saying "get out of the marriage", sex is just one aspect of a relationship and no relationship is perfect in every respect - for some, no sex would be a deal breaker, for others it might be no affection or no help with the housework or whatever. We all have different priorities.

Greenifer · 27/04/2017 00:14

This is a very sad thread.

Everything one wants in a marriage, we have.

No you don't. You don't have sex and you don't seem to have any proper intimacy in the sense of being able to talk about things without fear of judgment etc. I would feel absolutely suffocated in your situation. It's not what I want out of a marriage at all. Maybe it is what you want out of a marriage but if it was, I don't think you'd be wondering what sex is like. Plus, you've been together for 14 years and are approaching the end of your fertile years so you must be nearly forty. It is quite unusual to have your first relationship in your mid-twenties having remained a virgin until that point. I think you have some problems around sex as well as your husband, tbh. It would be great if either/both of you could access some counselling.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 00:24

No you don't. You don't have sex

Yes, that's why I said "except sex".

What I meant was, we love each other, we care for each other, we support each other. We just don't have sex.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 27/04/2017 00:49

Maybe this is too personal op but you mentioned oral sex etc... does your dh seem to enjoy that? Has there ever been a time when it looked like full sex was going to happen during an intimate moment?

I actually think you're extremely naive in that you have the perfect marriage just without sex.
Big problem here isn't the sex or lack of, it's the fact that you and your dh are totally incapable of having a conversation to discuss it, if you're so close then why on earth are you not able to talk to your dh?

I don't get it. Communication is such a big part of a relationship and as much as your husband has many redeeming qualities, he's being extremely unfair to you by not acknowledging his lack of interest, even
If it's to tell you he never ever wants sex and you have the option of staying in the marriage or not.

I'm very sorry to sound so harsh but there has got to be much more to this.
I asked earlier in thread but don't think you answered- how old are you both op?

Sincerely wish you the best of luck x

MusicIsMedicine · 27/04/2017 00:51

So sad for you both.

Bythebeach · 27/04/2017 01:05

I feel sad for you Sexless. Even though you are sexually frustrated, you're minimising the importance of sex to make your relationship seem worth the lack of sex.

But sex IS important unless you're asexual and you wouldn't be frustrated if you were asexual.

I know I'm projecting but my relationship with my first boyfriend lasted far too long (10 years) because I thought he was loving and affectionate and supportive etc. I told myself I was daft to feel frustrated and should count myself lucky and that even if some people had amazing mutual attraction and sex that was just at the start of relationships and good relationships would mellow to what we had anyway. I was wrong.

Christ sex is so incredibly powerful and even more so in a close loving relationship. It can be incredibly bonding and life-affirming and mind-blowingly pleasurable. And for some it just gets better and better over the years.

Do you really know what you're sacrificing?

Catherinebee85 · 27/04/2017 01:23

If your relationship was as amazing as you claim it is in every other way you'd be talking about it with your husband and you'd have actual answers.

I so hope this thread leads to you doing something about it! I want to know what he's scared of!

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 27/04/2017 08:40

I wish every thread about people distressed by lack of a sex life would stop drawing out of the woodwork all the people who insist, 'I'm totally fine without sex! YOU are the weird one for having your life revolve around it!'

If your life and your marriage are totally happy with no sex, that is great. (But you'd better be REALLY SURE your partner is truly happy with no sex, if you're the person whose drive is now 0.) But for most people, sex is what makes a relationship romantic and not platonic. Most people get married because they want to have sex with their spouse for the rest of their lives. My sexuality is a big part of who I am, and I need to have sex with my spouse. Also, when people start threads about their relationship being sexless, duh, they have a problem with it.

I also tend to subscribe to Dan Savage's view: how can sex be both so unimportant that a spouse should put up with not having it for years, but also so important that they CAN'T POSSIBLY seek out sex with other people to enable them to stay in the relationship? Dry spells are to be expected in a lifetime relationship, but if one partner unilaterally winds sex down to nothing, there will be consequences.

SleepFreeZone · 27/04/2017 08:51

And I wish that people who bang on about their amazing sex lives would have some respect for those who are happy or even relieved to not be getting any.