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Original poster

Very loving but sexless marriage

191 replies

SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 25/04/2017 23:53

I don't mean to be rude but He sounds very unusual if I'm brutally honest.
How does he know if he likes it if he's never tried it?

ijustwannadance · 26/04/2017 00:12

I also think it's actually very fucked up that he married you knowing he would never consumate it. Cruel not loving.

RubyBluesey · 26/04/2017 00:14

So.... why did you get married?

RubyBluesey · 26/04/2017 00:18

He doesn't sound loving to me ....
and I don't buy the whole mum putting him off sex thing?

Zoflorabore · 26/04/2017 00:23

Sorry op but to me it sounds as though he has tried it before otherwise he wouldn't know whether he liked it or not.

Do you think he may have had a bad experience?
How can you be sure he's not gay or having it with someone else? Sorry if that sounds bad but so does your situation.

How old are you both?
I feel really sad for youFlowers

anxiousnow · 26/04/2017 00:24

Op do you ever discuss having children? Is he willing to even try just once to see what you are both missing out on? Both have a few drinks, nice relaxing bath etc. Does he masturbate? The oral/touching was it mutual? You both sound lovely, and although I see where it sounds like you are just friends but it sounds a deeper connection and a deeper problem. Lots of parents tell their children they had sex x amount of times to match the x amount if children or it is suggested by the children when they are just starting to find out. It can't purely be that.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 26/04/2017 00:26

well it's not 'no sex' if he does oral / hands-on. He obv has some mental hang up about PIV, possibly the fear of having DC but maybe something else.
Obviously he thought OP was ok with it if she married him after 10 yrs! unfair to call him cruel. Yes OP says she thought it might start after marriage but if she did want sex strongly enough even sometimes she wouldn't have lasted 10yrs with him! He knows it and (rightly) thinks she has a very low libido. She never told him she expects it when they get married.
You could try counselling , Op, but he has to want that.

Teabagtits · 26/04/2017 00:27

I'm a bit confused, you say his first marriage ended because it wasn't consummated but this is both your first relationship - have I read this wrong?

There's nothing wrong with an asexual relationship if both parties are happy with it but you don't sound happy with it.

Could he be scared? I mean going so long without ever having sex could build it up to be a huge issue for him particularly if you're wanting movie sex. Realistically movie sex doesn't exist. It's all camera angles and multiple takes to make it look like seemless passion. The reality is fanny farts, stopping to change position because of cramp, belly farts due to sweat, arms and legs everywhere, bumping teeth or missing mouth kisses. The seemless passion takes a lot of practice... and editing.

Flyinggeese · 26/04/2017 00:27

OP, was the discussion you had recent? Also only one chat about this in all those years? This is a HUGE issue, it really deserves more time spent discussing it. Would he maybe be open to seeing a sex therapist together?

I fully respect that some people have a low to non existant sex drive but a mismatch like this is not sustainable IMO. You say he's a great man, he should be open to talking about this much more.

Butterymuffin · 26/04/2017 00:41

teabag that was a different poster talking about the previous unconsummated marriage, not OP.

Bythebeach · 26/04/2017 00:55

OP, if he was the most amazing, loving man you suggest he is, shouldn't he have asked you years ago if you minded missing out on a very normal and often lovely part of relationships/marriage? Have you both agreed to never have children? How come you have only discussed it once - that doesn't make it sound as if you have a good relationship in all other respects because if you had, you would be close enough to discuss it and fully understand how the other feels.

My first relationship lasted a decade from my teenage years. I felt super close and bonded to my first love. We were very affectionate. I couldn't see for many years that it was poor relationship for both of us. We did have sex but actually because we became so close when we were so young, I didn't really what I fancied or what it was to feel real attraction and neither did he. Ultimately, I don't think we ever had any sexual attraction to each other. And although I thought we were close, we weren't because we had such an immature relationship and a lot of important discussions never happened. Neither of us properly discussing how we felt sexually was just one aspect of this.

I know some people are asexual and if they are open and compatible and choose to marry with that knowledge, no problem.

But for other people, sex is important and is also an excellent barometer of the state of the rest of the relationship.

Teabagtits · 26/04/2017 01:54

Thanks butterymuffin Apologies OP

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 09:09

No worries, Teabagtits.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/04/2017 09:24

Ok so I'm just going to be blunt.

You two are just friends.

But actually, you're not as good friends as you want to believe.

You spent ten years with the bloke without losing your virginity, and apparently never even had a conversation about it.

Then you had a wedding day, went away on honeymoon, came home a virgin......and still never had a conversation about it.

Now he's not even touched you in two and a half years........and you're still not having a conversation about it.

I think your friendship is bullshit, frankly.

Your friendship only works if you don't talk about stuff. It's just a facade.

You are delusional. This isn't a marriage. It's an expensive house share.

ElspethFlashman · 26/04/2017 09:28

I also think there's a big part of this that suits you, cos it's safe.

You get a nice clean "marriage" without any of the highs and lows and moods and passions that can accompany a lifelong sexual relationship. I bet the two of you don't even argue.

CheekyLoki · 26/04/2017 10:31

He might be a closet homosexual.

Bythebeach · 26/04/2017 10:33

Elspeth - you say what I was getting at so much more succinctly.

OP - Elspeth could just have easily been summarising by first relationship - safe, no difficult conversations and a bullshit relationship.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 10:34

Yes, this marriage suits me. But also yes, I really want to experience sex. I may or may not like it, but I want to experience it.

I don't think he's homosexual though.

OP posts:
Bythebeach · 26/04/2017 10:34

But why aren't you telling your husband what you are feeling?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 10:35

We talk about everything except sex. We've argued and made up, we've been through a lot, except sex problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 10:35

But why aren't you telling your husband what you are feeling?

I don't know. Maybe I'm ashamed? Or maybe it's been like this for so long?

OP posts:
Bythebeach · 26/04/2017 10:41

I'm sure not talking about it for so long makes it harder to start talking but you need to try. There really is nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing abnormal about your wishes - for most people it is a fundamental human desire. If he loves you, even if it is uncomfortable/embarassing, he will at least be willing to talk about it.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 10:45

We actually broke up years ago and I met someone else. That guy was so different, and was pressuring me to have sex. I wanted to, but did not have sex with him. Then I got back with my husband.

So I'm thinking, maybe I am also to blame for this sexless marriage.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/04/2017 10:47

There's another poster on here last year - she's likely name changed now but she used to be Eeyore777. You can look up her threads.

She was in a similar boat. She was miserable. I often wonder what happened to her and if she's still in her marriage and if she still lurks here.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 26/04/2017 10:53

I really don't see how the situation you describe makes you also to blame...?

Look, here's what your future looks like if you stay with this guy and the two of you don't start having a satisfying sex life. (And I'd be honest, I don't see that happening since he appears to be just plain not into sex.)

Option one: you get more and more negative and ground down about your worth and become increasingly depressed. Your resentment about this issue eats away at your relationship until it dissolves in a morass of arguments and blame.

Option two: you meet someone you really want to have sex with who really wants to have sex with you right back. You cheat on your husband and your relationship dissolves in a morass of arguments and blame.

I agree with Elspeth: you've stayed and not mentioned this because it is safe. I would suggest getting into counselling yourself to ask yourself why you have put up with this so long.

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