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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very loving but sexless marriage

191 replies

SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 27/04/2017 08:58

But sleepfree the OP is not happy or relieved to not be getting any, is she? Hmm

SleepFreeZone · 27/04/2017 09:40

She is very happy with her husband but wants to experience sex in her lifetime. She has repeatedly said they have a loving relationship and yet has been repeatedly told her relationship is pretty much worthless as they haven't had sex.

How is other MNers flaunting their active sex lives in this thread helpful to the OP? It's obvious that this is a relationship which needs outside help from a sex therapist perhaps not a chorus of LTB.

Mummamayhem · 27/04/2017 09:41

Yes but it's totally different to a dwindling sex life. That's fairly routine. Even pp with zero sex life has had sex (and had 3 children) with her husband.

There has been nothing in 14 years! And more of a problem in my eyes is that there is no communication at all!

Surely it's a marriage of convenience, it's just not clear why.

ElspethFlashman · 27/04/2017 09:48

If she was very happy she wouldn't be posting here.

Her husband is cheating her out of even a conversation about it.

He will literally never touch her again - that seems probable. She wants to be touched. Why would he bother? He knows full well he doesn't need to. I doubt he'd go within a mile of a sex therapist. He would have to see a problem for that to happen and he clearly doesn't.

I see no future in it for her.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 27/04/2017 10:18

She is very happy with her husband

That's obviously why she posted a topic in which she said that she sometimes feels she is going out of her mind.

Look, if you're very happy not to be getting any and your partner is also happy with that, this topic isn't about you. Reassuring the OP that it's OK to want sex and it's OK for it to be a deal breaker for you is also not 'boasting about your active sex life'. Literally nobody here has said anything about the frequency or quality of their own sex life. They have said sex is important to them, and that sex can be very positive and powerful.

I'm not telling OP to LTB right now. But I do think this will turf their relationship and/or crush the OP's spirit unless it is urgently addressed and worked on by both parties, which seems unlikely.

Ultimately this is probably symptomatic of deeper issues in the marriage - a lack of emotional openness, intimacy, and the ability to discuss sexual desires. It doesn't even seem like they've really openly discussed feelings and plans for children, FFS!

SleepFreeZone · 27/04/2017 12:54

If you reread the OPs posts in this thread she has repeated again and again that she loves her husband, finds her husband attractive, does not want to seek sex out of her marriage. So why are we not suggesting professional help for them both? There is obviously a communication problem probably due to embarrassment and what the OP needs is an environment where she feels able to tell her husband what she needs from him. If after e pressing herself fully her husband still refuses to try and establish intimacy then st that point the OP might feel strong enough to walk away.

SleepFreeZone · 27/04/2017 12:56

To add it feels to me that many of the posts on here are belittling the relationship and almost piss taking. That's rude. These people have every element working for them bar sex. Yes that's a big part of many people's relationship but never the foundation. Friendship, love, trust, loyalty is at the heart of great marriages and the Op says she has that in spades.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 13:07

These people have every element working for them bar sex.

Exactly. I know sex is a big part of a relationship, and like I said, I want to experience it. But except for sex, I can't really complain. He is the most loving, kindest, considerate person I know and he has proven himself to me so many times. He supports me in everything I do and vice versa. That's why it's difficult for me to understand how I am supposed to throw all that away because we don't have sex. What about couples who have amazing, mind blowing sex but then lie to each other, hurt each other, belittle each other? What about men who have insatiable sexual appetite and leave their partners satisfied in bed yet they abuse their partners or cheat or are irresponsible?

Ok, I remember now that once, many many years ago, we tried to have PIV but it was so painful for me and we ended up not doing it. But we never tried PIV again.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 27/04/2017 13:09

There is obviously a relationship problem if the OP is able to tell a load of strangers on the internet that her marriage is unconsummated but has never been able to discuss this with her husband.
She doesn't seem inclined to actually talk to her husband about the issue though so it's unlikely anything will change.
She still hasn't answered the why now and why here( on a parenting forum) aspects.

2rebecca · 27/04/2017 13:11

What are YOU wanting to do to change this though?
Sounds like you had vaginismus although if you're a virgin may still have a hymen.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 13:14

She still hasn't answered the why now and why here( on a parenting forum) aspects.

But why not? I don't understand why this is a question.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 13:16

2rebecca

I have answered this before actually eventhough I don't really get why this is odd. There are a lot of childless people on Mumsnet.

I note that this is your first ever mumsnet post which makes me wonder why you chose here to post if you don't actually have kids

I don't have kids and I've been on Mumsnet for a year. I have namechanged for this. I don't get why this is odd - there are a lot of people without kids here.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 27/04/2017 13:24

Yeah she's that happy with the status quo at time she feels she's going out her mind. OP, if you're both happy what it is you are asking?

Most people are not trying to be rude, most people have a sex life, that's all.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 27/04/2017 13:31

You're creating a false dichotomy here. Relationships where sex is good but a partner lies, cheats, etc generally end, as they should. And relationships where everything except sex is good... generally end. I've seen it over and over. A good relationship has trust, closeness, intimacy... and a mutually satisfying sex life*. Not always scream-the-walls-down ecstatic, but satisfying.

*I'm including in this a lack of sex which both partners are happy with. The 'mutually satisfying' bit is the important part.

OP, you don't have to march out the door right now and file for divorce. But you do have to talk to your husband and tell him honestly you are not happy with how things are. If you do that, and he is willing to work on it, maybe there is a way forward for you both. But if he is ace, he may simply not be able to give you this, ever. And I would be pretty confident to say you will regret it if you don't address this issue.

In the meantime, perhaps it's worth Googling resources for sexual people with asexual spouses. Try AVEN, which is an online community for ace people.

SleepFreeZone · 27/04/2017 13:33

OP that's really interesting that you tried PIV, it hurt you and you never tried again. With what you said about your husbands mother confiding in him re. her relationship I wonder if he decided he didn't want to hurt the woman he loved so didn't try anymore. It's actually a pretty nice sentiment.

2rebecca · 27/04/2017 13:43

Why now though?
I still don't understand why someone with no kids or plans to have kids would want to spend time on a parenting forum but you seem to have made some odd lifestyle choices.
You seem to be getting angry with people and trying to justify your sexless marriage rather than explaining why you are wanting to complain about it NOW and what you plan to change to make your relationship happier.
What are you actually trying to achieve by posting here?

DancingGoose · 27/04/2017 15:37

It's not just parenting though - it gives discussion and advice on all sorts of subjects and often pops up as the first link on a google search.

Hellobye · 27/04/2017 15:43

2rebecca why do you keep going on about the op posting on a parenting site when she hasn't got children? Your attitude towards the op is unpleasant. You have already had a message deleted on the first page of the thread.

Adora10 · 27/04/2017 15:51

So what if she doesn't have kids, anyone can use this site!

ElspethFlashman · 27/04/2017 17:36

Anyone who seriously believes this site is still just for parents has been living in a cave for the past few years. It's in the bloody Daily Mail every week.

However I agree that I don't understand what the OP is looking for. OP, do you want to talk about it further?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 20:38

You seem to be getting angry with people and trying to justify your sexless marriage

I'm not getting angry, I am perplexed by your posts. Am I really the first childless poster you encountered?

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 20:38

However I agree that I don't understand what the OP is looking for.

I'm looking for different perspectives. Which I have been getting so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 20:42

Yeah she's that happy with the status quo at time she feels she's going out her mind.

Yes, when I want sex. Sometimes I get that, around my period. I feel uncomfortable and want sex.

Other than that, there's really nothing to get mad about when it comes to my husband.

OP posts:
loveinasuitcase · 27/04/2017 20:57

OP, frankly your "perfect in every other way" relationship is obviously so far from perfect if you haven't had sex with your DH of so many years AND you can't even talk to him or ask him why the hell he hasn't shagged you yet? Seriously are there really people out there that can't talk freely to the person they are married to? Sorry this whole situation sounds so ridiculous to me. Who in their right mind would be married for years and never once say to their husband, "hey wait a minute, we've never had sex?" 😑

GavinsStacey · 27/04/2017 20:59

Sexlesdinseattle I live just like you and have done for many years due to vaginisimus. Just want you to know I understand completely where your coming from! You and hubs really do need to see a therapist though, my husband and I are trying to sort ourselves out as I'm sure my vaginisimus was caused by a trauma in childhood 🌹

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