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Original poster

Very loving but sexless marriage

191 replies

SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

OP posts:
lemureyes · 26/04/2017 11:14

First of all OP I don't want to scare you.
Your husband may be scared of having sex due to what his mother said. You both should discuss that and please explain to him about the huge variety of contraception that is widely available to prevent pregnancy.

Having sex for the first time in my opinion is a big deal but also not at the same time. It probably won't be passionate the first time because even though you may know how to do it you still have to learn how to do it too. Movies make it out to be this amazing passionate thing but half the time it really isn't. If you both try sex then the problem is your husband may not want to work at it so that it's pleasurable in the future - your first time may put him off.
It's not really something you do once then say 'I'm ok with never doing this again' because you won't have let it reach its full potential.

It takes time to learn how it makes you both feel.

Years ago many marriages were not consummated for many reasons but these couples did not discuss it. I know a couple who have been married 4 years and have not consummated it because of various reasons, some I will not know of.

You both really need to talk about it and soon. There is nothing wrong with discussing your feelings towards sex. Hopefully you both will come to a happily agreed conclusion and move on from there (in whatever direction) and be happy with the result. Then at least you have talked it through.

Bythebeach · 26/04/2017 11:24

When did you break up? Why - was it the lack of sex with your husband? And why didn't you have sex with the other man even though you wanted to - was it because you were already married to your husband?

No need to answer any of that but there might be some clues in that break as to what you want.

CheekyLoki · 26/04/2017 11:45

Slap me if I am being cheeky but are you both still virgins? (in regards of never having had penetrative sex)

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 12:07

Bythebeach

No, we broke up when we were bf and gf because I was leaving for another country. I ended up returning though. We got married a few years after that.

I didn't have sex with the other guy because he was pressuring me to have sex (I'm a stubborn person), and didn't want to use protection.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 12:14

Slap me if I am being cheeky but are you both still virgins? (in regards of never having had penetrative sex)

Yes no PIV.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/04/2017 12:28

So who knows about this? Do your friends know? Anyone in your families?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 13:02

So who knows about this? Do your friends know?

Two of my closest friends know.

OP posts:
UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 26/04/2017 13:20

You've had a number of opinions now, sexless. What do you think you'll do?

ijustwannadance · 26/04/2017 17:08

What do your friends say about it?.

ilovechoc1987 · 26/04/2017 19:29

If you don't mind me asking how we're you when you first got together with your husband Op? (Sorry if you've already mentioned it!)

anxiousnow · 26/04/2017 19:39

I am still not clear. I am not sure if you really want advice as don't seem to answer relevant questions. Have you discussed having children? That is an indirect way to bring up the sex conversation so is relevant link. Also if he does/doesn't masturbate indicates if he has any sex drive. What happens if you try to initiate any sexual contact, piv or otherwise?

saturdaysaturday · 26/04/2017 19:55

She can still have children.

I actually know two couples who have never had PIV as we are calling it on here. They are madly in love and in both cases it is due to medical issues. They are going to try AI.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 19:59

anxiousnow

I have answered the children question. It's not really a pressing concern for me. If I have one it's mostly because my window is closing age-wise. But I'm not really that concerned about children.

I don't know if he masturbates. And I don't initiate sexual contact. I know - I should, but I'm not used to initiating.

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 26/04/2017 20:07

It's sounds like he's had some sort of sexual trauma or strange upbringing.
I don't think it's biologically normal to not want sex unless you are Asexual of course, but as you've done sexual things with one another then that's unlikely.
Was he able to climax when you did other things?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 20:25

Was he able to climax when you did other things?

Yes.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 26/04/2017 20:30

I really think you both need some counselling. Separate and together. Once youve started down that path Id suggest some sort of sex counsellor.

Greenifer · 26/04/2017 20:30

I don't really get what is in this for you. It doesn't sound like a marriage at all to me. You are totally unable to be honest with each other.

Mummamayhem · 26/04/2017 20:35

I'd suspect he loves and values you but is shagging elsewhere.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 20:38

It doesn't sound like a marriage at all to me.

Everything one wants in a marriage, we have. Kindness, affection, cuddling, love, respect, support, we're partners in everything. Except for sex.

but is shagging elsewhere.

No, I am pretty sure he isn't.

OP posts:
TrulyFubar · 26/04/2017 20:38

Have you considered using sex toys? They're not 10" shlongs nowadays and you would be able to experience penetration gradually either on your own or together. You're going to have to talk about at some point if you're feeling unfulfilled.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 20:39

I really think you both need some counselling. Separate and together. Once youve started down that path Id suggest some sort of sex counsellor.

Yes. Sometimes I think of getting sex elsewhere, but I can't do it. I can't even finish thinking about it. I don't want anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 20:39

Have you considered using sex toys?

My friend has suggested it but I have never tried.

OP posts:
ilovechoc1987 · 26/04/2017 20:44

Buy a vibrator op, you'll get to experience a little of what you're missing and decide whether or not it's for you.

Mummamayhem · 26/04/2017 20:53

Honestly OP if he is young and able, he is having sex with someone or getting his kicks some how. I'd be highly suspicious. you only have to read the relationship board to see countless women shocked at finding out about their partners infidelity, regardless of the type of relationship.

What makes you so sure he isn't having affairs/using prostitutes/porn/gay?

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 26/04/2017 20:58

What makes you so sure he isn't having affairs/using prostitutes/porn/gay?

Because if you know him like I do, you'd know he isn't. All he does in his spare time is study - he's a big nerd. He's either at work, or with me. I literally know where he is all the time.

OP posts:
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