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Original poster

Very loving but sexless marriage

191 replies

SexlessinSeattle · 25/04/2017 11:02

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

OP posts:
Greenifer · 27/04/2017 21:03

There is obviously a relationship problem if the OP is able to tell a load of strangers on the internet that her marriage is unconsummated but has never been able to discuss this with her husband.

This. The OP and her husband do not have every part of their relationship working apart from sex. If that was the case, she would be able to talk to him about this and have an honest conversation about why she wants to experience this (normal) part of a happy and loving relationship and he doesn't. I am absolutely not bragging about my sex life - mine is fine atm but we have had bits where we were not sexually satisfying each other over the past twenty plus years and we have always been able to talk about that and work to compromise to find something that suits both of us, as in any other part of the relationship. That crucial bit about being able to talk is what has got us over the parts where one or other of us has not felt OK about our sex life or issues about tidying up or money worries or childcare or work/life balance or any of a number of things that can impact on a mutually satisfying relationship. The OP and her partner are unable to discuss what is a normal part of most relationships and it seems to be making one of them unhappy to some extent. I agree that they should seek counselling together. If the OP's husband is unable to try to talk about this issue, in her shoes it would be a dealbreaker for me. It's not the sex. It's the fact that one of them needs more and the other partner is not willing to discuss it.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 21:17

OP, frankly your "perfect in every other way" relationship

You know, I really can't force people to believe me when I say everything else is perfect. It's just sex that's missing, and we can't talk about it. I grew up not talking about sex, in a culture where people don't get sex until they're married. So yes I find it hard to talk about it with my husband.

But I stand by what I am saying - everything else in our married life is fine, most of the times perfect even.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 21:21

So yes, this is the situation:

We don't have sex. Sometimes, I want sex.

But I cannot complain about anything else.

OP posts:
Greenifer · 27/04/2017 21:22

You can't talk to your husband about a normal part of most healthy relationships. Everything else in your marriage is not fine. Your husband is no doubt a nice guy who is kind to you etc and considerate in other ways but as you cannot be honest with him, no part of your relationship is fine apart from at a very superficial level.

ElspethFlashman · 27/04/2017 21:22

So what's the problem?

You're going to live the rest of your life a virgin and he's never going to touch you again, BUT if you consider it 99% perfect, then crack on!

Greenifer · 27/04/2017 21:23

I think you should look at couples counselling.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 21:31

If there's no sex, is a marriage really worthless? Eventhough you love, care, support each other?

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 21:33

I think you should look at couples counselling.

Yes. I also think I am partly to blame for this. While I have sex thoughts, I grew up in a culture where virginity is priced. And growing up, I built it up so much in my head.

OP posts:
crazyhead · 27/04/2017 21:40

No one can say whether the sex thing is a dealbreaker. It would be for many people, but not for others.

For some people it would matter in a way that cancelled out the other aspects of a perfect marriage. Others not.

It's not a matter or what's right or wrong, but you need to work out what you can hack. It's a tough situation - I sympathise

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 27/04/2017 21:53

Nobody's saying your marriage is worthless. But we are saying that it has a big, fundamental problem, and if not addressed that will have consequences and may bring the marriage down.

What makes it hard for you to raise the issue with him? Have you imagined doing it? Could you write a letter?

Greenifer · 27/04/2017 22:16

To clarify, I don't think the sex thing is a dealbreaker as long as both parties are happy with the situation (one isn't entirely, though, so it's not a good way to be for either of them). I do think the not being able to talk is a dealbreaker. That's not a happy way to run your life long term. No perfect marriage includes a bit where you can't talk about basic issues.

AgathaF · 27/04/2017 22:43

No, a sexless marriage is not worthless. Your marriage means a great deal to you and presumably to your DH. That's important. But, this issue is also important to you, if not to him. So it's worth trying to get it fixed somehow, to save the marriage as you clearly want to.

So, since communication is going to be key in this, can you imagine how you can communicate this need to him? Talking, a letter, counselling? I can understand that since sex has played no real part in your marriage up to now that it isn't something that's easy to mention now. But it really should be addressed, simply because you want it to be.

Mummamayhem · 27/04/2017 22:51

It's not the lack of sex that makes a marriage worthless, it's the lack of communication! The lack of consideration for your sexual and emotional needs. The lack of reassurance that he's attracted to you and isn't going elsewhere. Seriously, you haven't discussed whether you want or don't want children, that's pretty unusual in a marriage.

Bythebeach · 27/04/2017 22:55

Of course I don't think a sexless marriage is worthless if:

a) both parties are asexual, have no sexual urges, went into the marriage with the expectation it would be platonic and are happy with it; or

b) one or both parties have sexual urges which can't be fulfilled for whatever reason (one-sided desire, physical or mental health issues) but the couple are open with each other, have fully discussed the issue and have worked a compromise for their marriage they are both content with (celibate marriage is their best option, they work around PIV but do other sexual things, they open the marriage up so the partner who wants sex gets it outside the marriage).

I am not at all sure of the worth of a marriage where my sexual urges were not fulfilled and I could not even discuss it.

Love and trust and support can be had in a myriad of relationships - close friends, parents, siblings - but those are all platonic relationships. Usually, what distinguishes a (good) marriage is that there are all of those qualities AND a sexual dimension to it.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 23:03

Seriously, you haven't discussed whether you want or don't want children, that's pretty unusual in a marriage.

Actually we have. We're both just okay with it. And it's not the right time for me, career-wise.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 27/04/2017 23:05

I can understand that since sex has played no real part in your marriage up to now that it isn't something that's easy to mention now. But it really should be addressed, simply because you want it to be.

Yeah it's really so difficult for me to broach the topic. Like I said I am also to blame for this, as I don't speak up. My friend said maybe I don't because I also don't want to have sex. I just have all these sexual feelings but afraid of having sex. I really don't know.

OP posts:
Bythebeach · 27/04/2017 23:14

Please Sexless, find a way to talk to your husband. How sad would it be if he was worried by when you found it painful all those years ago and thought you never wanted it again and was repressing his own urges because he loves you and thought you hated it. Or maybe he's not sure but would be open to trying if he knew what you wanted. Does he want kids? You've only said it's 'no big deal' for you. What's his view?

I can see from your more recent posts that your cultural upbringing might have made this harder for you both to talk about as it sounds quite sexually repressed. Would you find it easier to broach the subject if you viewed seeking out counselling and talking about sex as something that will bring the two of you closer and help both of you in your marriage rather than from the perspective of having your needs fulfilled (although of course there is nothing wrong with that! But ideas of propriety and guilt can be powerful too!)?

Bythebeach · 27/04/2017 23:16

Oh, just seen you've discussed kids so that's good!

0dfod · 27/04/2017 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anxiousnow · 27/04/2017 23:38

Op I think that your update that you tried sex once but it hurt you too much changes things. It isn't about blame, but I think you are jointly responsible for this. It isn't just your DH. If he was already scared then felt he hurt you that would obviously put him off further. You both have issues around sex. I also understand why it has been hard to talk but can you ever see this changing? Can you write to him as Agatha suggested? He cannot read your mind OP.

ilovechoc1987 · 28/04/2017 00:57

You can't say your body clock is ticking for having babies and then say it's not the right time career wise.
You have to decide now when and if you want a family, a wait and see based on career goals, is how women end up needing ivf and other invasive procedures.
So I think you have to 100% rule out ever having a natural pregnancy , and then decide if your marriage without any intimacy is enough for you.

While you may not be the norm, what is normal?
I would say that sex is great but it's also the cause of a lot of hurt, trouble etc In people's lives, unplanned pregnancies, diseases, affairs, regrets.

You could live without it, but you should speak properly with your husband and make sure he's not hiding anything from you in regards to feelings, or activities.

Original poster
SexlessinSeattle · 28/04/2017 01:34

You can't say your body clock is ticking for having babies and then say it's not the right time career wise.

My body clock is ticking age-wise.

OP posts:
UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 28/04/2017 06:55

Well, then you aren't having children, are you? Not prioritising trying now is making an active choice not to have children. (PS It is never the right time career wise.)

From here, it looks a little bit like you're letting the sex issue decide the children issue and telling yourself you weren't that bothered about children anyway. I mean, when you were discussing kids, did neither of you mention that PIV sex is needed to conceive them?

ThePizzaEater · 28/04/2017 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummamayhem · 28/04/2017 09:56

I don't understand how the topic of children came up without acknowledging you haven't had sex. What if you had said you desperately want children?