Very loving but sexless marriage

[SexlessinSeattle]

I'm in one.

I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. Possibly in 2014. And we've never had normal, vaginal sex. It was always oral or touching.

Most of the times, I don't mind. But sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

We've been together for 14 years, married for four.

Actually it might not have been vaginismus.

I strongly suspect it just didn't occur to them that you generally need lube the first time you have sex.

Virgin + no lube + not that riled up = tree branch in the vagina.

it just didn't occur to them that you generally need lube the first time you have sex.

Actually yes we didn't think of this.

Would you like children? If so, would that be a good way of raising the subject with him, ie telling him that you'd like to have a child and asking how he feels about that?

Would you like children?

I'm terrified of giving birth.

That's not an answer, though...? It's also surmountable.

When the question is brought up, you seem to keep giving reasons why children would be difficult rather than actually saying 'yes, I want them' or 'no, I don't really'. What's going on there?

I think you need to talk about sex with your husband.

You can have a fulfilled sex life using toys and other sexual acts without PIV.

For me PIV isn't important, I have a very loving, intimate relationship ( not a friendship) without it BUT if you want PIV then it is very important you try and resolve this with your husband or make the decision to seek a new relationship.

What's going on there?

I didn't want to say it because I might change my mind when I'm really nearing the end of my reproductive years but no, I don't want children.

Fair enough. That takes one issue off the table, at least, and means you don't have any acute time challenges.

You seem remarkably passive OP. I highly doubt you're going to do anything about your discontent, and I highly doubt you'll ever raise the subject with your husband.

I hope you find a way to live with your yearnings without cracking up, I truly do.

OP think about whether you would lie on your death bed and regret your marriage, I think if you can honestly say that you don't regret your marriage then keep as you are.

If you think you will regret it get out now and move on.

I am in a mostly sexless marriage but I am genuinely happy, I would quite like some small changes but I would not even contemplate leaving. I am very content and count myself very lucky in many many ways.

From reading your posts Sexless, you actually seem to have more issues regarding sex than your DH.

I agree with PP, you won't say anything to your DH and will carry on as is forever. For all you know he could be gagging for a shag and children but is as much of a wimp as you. It is ridiculous that 2 adults who are married and have been together for 14 years can't discuss these things.

You both sound like you have huge issues.

I suspect either your husband suffered some form of CSA (childhood sexual abuse) or he's Asexual.

I don't know how many mothers tell their children how many times they've had sex, that's really weird. If she's planted in his head that sex is only for reproduction, then he won't see the need for it, if you don't want children.

Counselling is done when people think there's a problem. He doesn't think there is one and after 14 years together, I would totally understand why he sees this as the norm.

What do you think his reaction would be if you said you'd like to experience sex, at least once in your life.

The bit I'd struggle with, is that my marriage could be annulled, as though it never ever happened, in the eyes of the church and in law, because it hasn't been consummated.

your marriage has value. difficult as it is i would try talking about it with him. you did try once, could you try using a dildo before trying again? get drunk together? i personally wouldn't throw away a marriage because of this. sounds like he's a great partner, just this thing missing that i think you do have a shot at working on.

How did you get on op? Did you ever speak to your DH?

I had two children in my almost sexless marriage with my workaholic nerd husband (who turned out to be gay). In the end though, it doesn't matter what he is, or you are. It matters whether you are happy. In this case, if you aren't actively unhappy, you clearly feel something is missing. You need to talk to him properly about this, and perhaps seek counselling.

After 6 sexless years I left him. I was desperately unhappy, and felt lonely and unattractive. I've gone on to meet someone amazing, and feel so much happier, and peaceful, and relaxed.