Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker?

202 replies

Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 20:52

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 07/04/2017 20:53

I would leave, no doubt. Yes physical violence is a deal breaker.

Pancakeflipper · 07/04/2017 20:56

A deal breaker for me. It's ok saying it involves lots of alcohol but it shows an inability to control his temper. He'll do this sober too.

Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 20:57

But does it always carry on? We have talked about it and agreed it can't happen again.

OP posts:
TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 07/04/2017 20:58

Leave him. Immediately.

JontyDoggle37 · 07/04/2017 21:00

Yep - when sober, he agrees it won't happen again. As soon as he has a drink.......get out know why you're still relatively unscathed...

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 07/04/2017 21:00

Yes it always carries on. And hands on your throat is the biggest red flag you'll ever get. Usually it takes a while to build up to that.

JontyDoggle37 · 07/04/2017 21:00

'Now' not 'know'!

Pancakeflipper · 07/04/2017 21:01

But it's happened twice already.

How can you be sure it would not happen again?

Patriciathestripper1 · 07/04/2017 21:01

No keep living with him until he really belts you and you end up in hospital or worse case dead.
Ffs he isn't a gentle man. He's a power drinker.
Finish it before he finishes you!

FurryElephant · 07/04/2017 21:01

Absolute deal breaker. The first incident I'd be gone. What did you give as the reason for your injury needing stitches?! Whether alcohol is involved or you "wound him up" is no excuse whatsoever for physical violence.

I try and think of it as whether I would be happy if my daughter (hypothetical or not) was in the same situation. If you'd be horrified to have a daughter come home and tell you her partner had done that, get rid.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 07/04/2017 21:02

but does it always carry on?

How many times do you want to be attacked? Youre a year in. They (mumsnet) say it takes two years to know someone properly, when their 'best behaviour' ends and you start seeing the real them. This is a taster of who he really is. When he is drunk he cant hide his real
Self. This is him.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 07/04/2017 21:02

It will happen again and it will get worse. Violent men usually promise it won't happen again. Do NOT take any blame for this by saying you argued back and do NOT ever try to justify any violence with he didn't hit me.
End the relationship now.

ijustwannadance · 07/04/2017 21:02

Leave. It will get worse each time you forgive him.

Polarbearflavour · 07/04/2017 21:02

Please leave. It'll escalate. He isn't a gentle man and alcohol is no excuse. You "winding him up" is no excuse.

Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 21:02

I know I sound stupid. But I am 41. Grown up children. Successful career. I am not a shrinking Violet. I am kind of shocked that this has happened. But I wondered if just because an argument has got out of hand before it follows that it will continue on tgat path

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 07/04/2017 21:02

If you want to be dead early, stay with him

Get the fuck out of this mess.

pumpkinmoon1 · 07/04/2017 21:02

I have never experienced physical violence in my relationships, but I know close friends who have and from what I have seen, it never gets better, only worse.

gamerchick · 07/04/2017 21:03

Huge rows at only a year in would do it for me. Violence is crossing a line, you are no good for each other.

shitgibbon · 07/04/2017 21:03

Doesn't matter how old or successful or strong you are. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, because it's the fault of the perpetrator and unrelated to the victim.

This is abusive behaviour and you need to leave him. You needed stitches fgs.

DancingLedge · 07/04/2017 21:03

Talk is cheap.
Talk reels you back in, and keeps you believing things will be different. They won't be.

Hands at you throat is the biggest single indicator that you're in exactly the kind of relationship that two women a week in this country DIE in.

Get help.
Get out.
This is not your fault. Even if you wound him up. You deserve better.

Polarbearflavour · 07/04/2017 21:05

When you needed stitches, did the nurse/doctor ask how you injured yourself? Would you think of going to the police?

Please get out of there and stay safe! Don't let him know you are leaving.

Bobbins43 · 07/04/2017 21:06

You can't stay with someone who does this. Will you not always be worrying that he's going to get drunk and attack you? Please don't stay with him.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 07/04/2017 21:07

Ah, ffs.

The moment a man raises a hand to you, you leave. No second chances. Gone. Done. Over.

You deserve to not ever have to even ask this question. Every women does.

MadameJosephine · 07/04/2017 21:07

An argument did not 'get out of hand', he physically abused you and will continue to do so because if you don't leave him he will believe his behaviour is acceptable.

Get as far away as you can from this arsehole

pepsiandshirley · 07/04/2017 21:08

"But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself."

You didn't hurt yourself.

He hurt you.