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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker?

202 replies

Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 20:52

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 07/04/2017 21:38

Yes time to get away from him.
My sister was an older independent woman, the kind who everyone knows takes no shit from anyone, she was running her own successful business.
She hung in there for a bit, but when she ended up at A&E for the second time after he nearly killed her she left.
She would be dead if another man hadn't arrived and caught him and called the police and ambulance. She is now very messed up, needs counseling, and has an eating disorder. Lost her house and her business.

It started with the occasional shove, or small punch.

ChippieFishieHorshie · 07/04/2017 21:38

I mean, unless you killed the man's dog or burnt his only photo of his parents (actually, even then, but I think you know what I mean). He strangled you.

I don't see how a provocation could be bad enough to warrant this.

If he's so sorry... Why did he drink again?!

CreatingADream · 07/04/2017 21:39

Papafran I get what you are saying. I think sometimes when something bad is happening to someone, it is often hard from them to admit it is happening to themselves. Also, people sometimes lack clarity on their own situations when things like this happen.

Papafran · 07/04/2017 21:39

If you fuck up a contract at work is it okay if your boss pushes you over?

This is a very good analogy. If anything, we should treat those we love with even more care and respect than acquaintances or strangers. Yet, for some reason we use intimacy as an excuse for behaviour that would otherwise be totally and utterly unacceptable and criminal.

purplecoathanger · 07/04/2017 21:40

Please listen carefully to the wisdom posted on here and run like stink.

viques · 07/04/2017 21:41

A few years ago a survey found that on average women did not report their partners until they had been assaulted 35 times.

So are you prepared for him to put his hands around your neck or cause you to need stitches on another 33 occasions. Your call.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 07/04/2017 21:41

What would you tell your daughter/son if they came to you and told you this about their partner?

nappyrat · 07/04/2017 21:42

Leave

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 07/04/2017 21:43

Christ Almighty yes it's a fucking dealbreaker.

Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 21:43

The bruises were from when he gripped my arms to push me.

Anyfucker...I don't think I am big or clever. Or better than anyone. Kind of don't need any more criticism.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to answer me.
I haven't told anyone. I am embarrassed and weirdly don't want them to think badly of him.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 07/04/2017 21:43

Viques, unfortunately attack 1 for op was strangulation. Attack 2 resulted in stitches. As it normally escalates, I darent think what attack 4 and 5 will be like never mind attack 35.

Papafran · 07/04/2017 21:46

Thanks, CreatingaDream. Yes, you're right. It can also be very hard to accept that your relationship has failed, but once someone uses a stranglehold on you, that is not a relationship you can be in anyway. It failed when he assaulted you, not when you decided to leave him.

ChippieFishieHorshie · 07/04/2017 21:47

CHange

I've been assaulted (more than once). I still haven't told many people. I was convinced for years (in some ways still am) that it was my fault. I was too friendly, appeared inviting, didn't react how I should have. Something must be wrong with me, seeing as it happened more than once.

Thoughts like this are probably normal.

BUT seeing as you're already thinking like that it's so important that you get out now.

Please leave and don't become a sad little footnote in a statistic :(

Seriously. You can do it!

Idk, maybe having a daughter made me more sensitive/Tuned in to things like this.

You don't deserve this. You needed stitches. Putting his hand on your kneck is simulating strangling you. Wanting to make you back down/shut up so much that he literally wants to deprive you of oxygene.

CreatingADream · 07/04/2017 21:48

Change make sure you delete internet history tonight, and every time you check this thread.

Is it safe for you to leave? Does he live with you?

purplecoathanger · 07/04/2017 21:48

Yes of course you're embarrassed, this twat is your boyfriend and if people think badly of him it reflects on you.

I hope you have listened to the very wise advice on here. Leave this relationship now whilst you are still whole.

43percentburnt · 07/04/2017 21:48

change, why are you Embarrassed? You haven't done anything wrong.

CreatingADream · 07/04/2017 21:49

PURPLE what a horrific thing to say. The actions of this asshole DO NOT (AND WILL NEVER) reflect on the OP.

He is an abusive asshole, that is not reflection of her.

RelentlesslyPositive · 07/04/2017 21:49

I really do understand that you don't want to hear this, but you need to report to police.

Do you have children? You may lose them if you choose to stay with a man who has done this.

I honestly do understand (from bitter experience) how hard it can be to accept that your man is a classic abuser and dangerous man. But I know what I am talking about - and so does AnyFucker, even though she is sounding harsh today. She is one of the ones who helped me get out, when I didn't realise how much danger my children and I were in.

FlyAwayPeter · 07/04/2017 21:49

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

But he's not a "gentle man", is he? You needed stitches.

There is no excuse. You should be able to argue back. You should be able to argue back, nose to nose. And you should be absolutely secure that he won't hit you, whenever you argue back.

He's violent. He hurt you to the extent that you needed medical attention. I"m sick of paying taxes to mop up after men's violence.

In addition, you should also be sure you won't hit him, but most women are not as strong or forceful as most men.

It's a deal breaker.

MadeForThis · 07/04/2017 21:49

You need to seriously look at how much you drink.
But that is a separate issue.
If you are winding him up, most men would leave the room or leave the house. Not repeatedly push you to the ground.

The hands around the throat is very worrying. If he has done this on his first assault - what's next. Violence always escalates. If this is the first type of attack he uses it's scary to think how dangerous he could be. Especially if he has lost control when drunk.

I think you'll find that he has been violent in past relationships.

mineofuselessinformation · 07/04/2017 21:49

He is a good man. No, he isn't. He's showing you the 'animal inside' if you want to look at it like that. The true core of him, what he will do when he's angry - and it's not good.
Of course he's sorry now - he went too far. But, sadly, that is how he reacts when things anger him.
You need to decide if living with the knowledge that he can do this and more is what you can be happy with.

I personally couldn't. Flowers

expatinscotland · 07/04/2017 21:51

FFS, RUN! Hands round your throat? A boy did that to my daughter in school. Not another second did she spend in that school. And we reported it to the police. NEVER acceptable. NEVER.

memyselfandaye · 07/04/2017 21:51

The A&E nurse will have known exactly how you were injured, and your GP probably does too, information is shared.

Stop covering for him, tell everyone the truth and report the bastard to the police.

First of all though, listen to what you are being told, he will really fuck you up next time, or worse, you will be yet another story in the papers, another woman killed by the man who "loved her", the man she was sure she could change.

Papafran · 07/04/2017 21:52

Anyfucker...I don't think I am big or clever. Or better than anyone. Kind of don't need any more criticism

OP, AF is harsh, but it's true though. You are not different to other DV victims on account of job/education etc. Yours is not going to be the exception to the rule, where your bf changes and becomes good as gold. It will go the same way as other violent relationships and will escalate. Statistically, you are unlikely to be one of the over 100 women murdered per year by their partner, but the abuse will continue. Either, you will leave at some point in the future (when you might be more financially entangled with him or married), he will leave you, or you will put up with a lifetime of abusive behaviour and walking on eggshells lest you provoke him.

ohfourfoxache · 07/04/2017 21:52

Please- you have to leave this "man"

You're not safe and, as long as you're with him, you never will be again. I'm so sorry, but you have a tough time ahead of you, but it will get better.

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