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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker?

202 replies

Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 20:52

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 21:08

I have never been in a violent relationship before. I always said I would leave at any sign of one. But he said for me to leave him alone and I carried on the argument hence the escalation. So i don't feel blameless.

What is a power drinker?

OP posts:
Beachhairdontcare · 07/04/2017 21:09

You already know the answer to this.

If someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

picklemepopcorn · 07/04/2017 21:09

It's already happened twice. If I behaved like that after a lot of drink, I wouldn't have a lot of drink. Ever. I'd be horrified I could hurt you, so I would stay sober.

He drank again, he doesn't take it that seriously.

theansweris42 · 07/04/2017 21:09

Leave. I get that you had a reasonable conversation. But he cannot control himself when drunk. And so you can never know what will happen. And so you're not safe.

picklemepopcorn · 07/04/2017 21:10

If you were arguing with someone and you asked them to stop, would you physically attack them if they didn't?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 07/04/2017 21:10

Definitely a deal breaker. Move on lovely, nobody ever in your life should do that to you Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2017 21:11

Regardless of what you did, his behaviour was totally out of order. Deal breaker for me, especially since it has happened more than once.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2017 21:11

Just because you are a together career woman don't be so arrogant to believe you are not in a cliche of an abusive relationship

BarryTheKestrel · 07/04/2017 21:11

Deal breaker for me. I'd have been gone after the first episode. Leave before you physically can't.

Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 21:12

No arrogance here. Bemused if anything.

Also confused at the total contrast between the man I love and these two incidents.

OP posts:
Bobbins43 · 07/04/2017 21:13

I don't think I could stay with someone who hit me.

Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 21:13

And I don't feel scared or intimidated....he doesn't display any other abusive behaviour.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 07/04/2017 21:13

How did you "hurt yourself " ?

What do you mean by " the final push "? Was the more than one push ?

Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 21:15

Lots of pushes. I kept getting back up because I was determined not to let him think he could do that. The last push floored me. (well, the furniture did)

But he was horrified. He genuinely didn't mean for tgat to happen

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2017 21:16

How about you both go teetotal for the rest of your lives?

Or better yet, split up. The two incidents - strangulation is a big fucking deal and can easily actually kill you - the other ended in you needing stitches. You need to leave.

But if you're determined to stay, and he's genuinely sorry - teetotal. Forever.

TheNaze73 · 07/04/2017 21:17

If anyone is winding you up, you defuse the situation, swear or whatever. You don't physically abuse people

Bobbins43 · 07/04/2017 21:18

But what did he think was going to happen if he kept pushing you over? Also, having his hands around your throats is just...

I get that you don't feel intimidated now but what if he keeps doing it? What if one day you hit your head on something harder? Or he doesn't stop when he has his hands around your throat?

Kr1stina · 07/04/2017 21:18

So he pushed you many times until he injured you so badly you needed hospital treatment , is that right ?

goodpiemissedthechips · 07/04/2017 21:19

Hands at you throat is the biggest single indicator that you're in exactly the kind of relationship that two women a week in this country DIE in.

This bears repeating. I'm really sorry OP. It's definitely a dealbreaker.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 07/04/2017 21:19

Deal breaker!
You have grown up children; how did you explain the stitches to them? Is this a relationship model you want them to see?

Stay safe Flowers

Original poster
Changemyname21 · 07/04/2017 21:21

I am just gutted...

He has been so loving since. More than usual. He is really horrified.

I can't believe I am in this situation

OP posts:
user1491596005 · 07/04/2017 21:22

Unfortunately it will probably get worse. Speaking from experience.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 07/04/2017 21:23

2 of the most confident successful women I know had the shit kicked out of them for years before they ran

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 07/04/2017 21:23

Thats what they do. It is the cycle of abuse. Seriously it is text book. Look it up. It will show you that actually he is a rypical
Abuser, not a misunderstood usually wonderful man.

magoria · 07/04/2017 21:23

Your DC may be grown up but how do you think they will feel if/when this man kills you 'accidentally' by strangling you?

How the hell is that even not genuinely meant to happen? You can't accidentally put your hands around someones throat and strangle them.