Is this a dealbreaker?

[Changemyname21]

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

[ferriswheel]

Sea, that's awful.

[SeaEagleFeather]

btw having hands round your throat is not something you ever forget. My mother did it to me when I was 21 and 26 years later I remember it vividly

[HelenaGWells]

You know you need to get out OP. I hope you can do it safely and swiftly. Good luck and remember this is HIS fault and only his fault.

[corythatwas]

@TFPsa, were you seriously trying to suggest that a form of violence that can cause immediate loss of consciousness and death or collapse and death days later is not serious??? It only takes a few seconds of strangulation to kill someone. If that is your idea of not serious....

OP, best of luck to you. You already know what you have to do

[Cherrysoup]

He will do it again. It will be worse next time. He will make excuses and blame you. It will escalate until he really hurts you.

Aren't you worth more?

[picklemepopcorn]

Change, it's absolutely fine to trust again, you just have to know when to let go.

You haven't done anything wrong. Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme? That may help you recognise problems more quickly.

You still seem to be putting his feelings above your safety, though. Putting yourself first might be helpful in future relationships.

[Kittencatkins123]

You sound like an amazingly strong and independent person. You just need to draw on this now. You have standards for your relationship. One of these - the most basic and irrefutable - is that your partner is not violent towards you. That is all you need to say to him - it's not acceptable and it's not forgivable. Or text him. Or email him. You don't have to be in a room with him or face to face to explain after what he's done.

You deserve to be happy, with someone who loves you and could never do this to you, whatever the situation. You are freeing yourself to, in time, find this. You are putting yourself, your health, your happiness, your future and your family first.

[blue2014]

You can do this, I promise you can. I'm sorry this has happened to you

[SeaEagleFeather]

It hurts a lot - including your self esteem, that you picked a wrong-un, it's hard not to question yoruself after that!

But actually I don't think it's any bad thing to learn to observe someone for a while before you really trust them. It's a hard lesson but a useful one.

One of the more important things to watch is how they handle anger - their own and someone else's. Whether that other person is their nearest and dearest or a stranger. There's nothign wrong with observing for a while before completely committing, and nothign wrong with admitting that sometimes, with the best will in the world, you make a mistake.

This is part of the thing with abusive people. You start to doubt yourself. But you can come through it

[Destinysdaughter]

Please read this article OP. In it it states that women who experience strangulation are SEVEN TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED. This is really serious. What happens next time he gets drunk and you have an argument?

purposefullyscarred.com/2014/05/08/strangulation-and-domestic-violence/

[ferriswheel]

Run for the hill.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

First you end it with him. Afterwards you work out how to trust again and all that stuff.

You said he's in the super nice part of the cycle now. Do you feel bad chucking him while he's being nice? Are you delaying because of that? Do you feel that you have to wait until he does it again to be "fair"? You know that's fucked up thinking, don't you?

"I just cannot get over the fact that you have been violent twice now. I thought maybe I could live with it but the more I think about it the more I know I have to end this now."

[RelentlesslyPositive]

You have come such a long way in your thinking, and so quickly. Well done, you are amazing.

[purplecoathanger]

You are very brave to admit what you must do. Well done OP. You will trust again, not all men are abusers. Most men are normal caring, loving dads and husbands. The trick is to run like stink if it turns out, the one you are with is an abuser.

I hope you get out quickly and safely.

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

I know what I need to do. But how do I ever trust again now?

By using this as a learning experience and being aware and sensitive to the red flags and warning signs. There are women on this thread who have come out of the other side of abusive relationships and are now in happy and healthy partnerships.

The first and most important thing is your safety, and the only way that you will ensure it is to give him the boot and break all contact.

He is successful and sweet and funny and kind and loving. So where has this man come from?

The honeymoon phase of a relationship is usually 12-18 months. Your BF has not even managed to make it to a year before putting his hands around your neck - which is a HUGE danger indicator. The man who has 'suddenly appeared' isn't an aberration - it's his real personality. The one that he's masked whilst you are being drawn in by the sweet, funny and kind stuff. I guarantee you that if you stay with him, the lovely side will disappear week by week and the shitty angry violent side will emerge. Before long it will be the norm - except by that point you will be so conditioned by him that you'll be tying yourself into knots trying to find the magic word and behaviour to get the nice man back again.

He never existed - it's a mirage that is starting to evaporate already.

[Changemyname21]

Hello. This makes very sobering reading. I know you must all be so frustrated with me for not seeing it but I am finding it so hard to believe I am in this situation. So i have kept trying to rationalise and justify ane explain it. He is successful and sweet and funny and kind and loving. So where has this man come from? I am feisty, independent, single parent for years coping with everything on my own. How can he do this to me?

I know what I need to do. But how do I ever trust again now?

[cheminotte]

Please leave him OP .

[BigGrannyPants]

Think about this rationally, what kind of person would put their hands round someone's throat. How serious does it need to get, before you leave. This is domestic violence. It doesn't matter that you were arguing with him or that there was drink involved. He has proved to you that it wasn't a one off, he has already done it twice. By the way there are no one offs, what kind of rage must he have to act this way. Leave. You deserve better. He doesn't deserve you.

[Arsenicinthesugarbowl]

Just had to comment and say I hope you're ok thinking things over OP. You've had some really good advice and some harsh but also generally good advice. Please look after yourself. It's such a shock when things begin to manifest as they have. It takes time to process it all. Please don't be worried to come back again whatever you decide at this point.

[Pollyanna9]

OP I was 40 when I met my partner (age 30) who was my first partner after getting divorced having been married for 18 years.

He went mental a couple of times and smashed up the house. One time it escalated to him breaking things and he shoved me backwards onto a brick wall cutting my back and locked me out of my own house (which I owned, we shared) with my children upstairs in bed. Several times he used physical intimidation as a threat towards pushing me down the stairs.

Between every incident we made up, he was totally apologetic, things went back to 'normal'.

Then he did it again.

And again.

OP I know it's hard but what you said chimed with me - I too am a ballsy gal but if you've not experienced this type of person before, it can be a real brain f*ck and you don't realise it's happening, or what's happening.

What we can all tell you on here (those of us who've been through it and come out the other side) is that it WILL happen again. And that there's a huge huge chance that it will escalate going forward.

Can I also say there's nothing 'special' about your relationship with him - let me explain that because it sounds super harsh (but is not meant to be an insult to you, quite the opposite actually). But what I mean is this. When I got with my partner after a while I realised he had problems (within 6 weeks of being together he'd already threatened to kill himself once!!) but (as an experienced mature woman) I thought hah, nah, I can change him! We've got such a special relationship and I am so special to him that he will be able to change with my influence. Total bullshit and bollocks that was! It just won't work no matter how fabulous a person you are (which I am and I'm sure you are too!!) because there is NOTHING you can do to improve it. Because the person themselves is fatally flawed in character and CANNOT change. CANNOT. No matter how well or in which way you explain it or frame it, whether you speak quietly or shout. The change just won't happen.

Since ending it 5 years ago I have had SO many lightbulb moments you would not believe - insight into just how bad things were. In the end the good times and the mind blowing fantastic sex and how MUCH we loved each other (and we truly truly did) - the relationship was abusive and not good for me or my children. The reason doesn't matter. Immaturity? Had a crap childhood? Doesn't matter. If it's hurting you and/or your children whether emotionally or physically or financially all I can tell you is
it. will. not. change.

Well it will - but only to get worse and I truly mean that.

[purplecoathanger]

I wonder what the OP is planning to do. Do please let us know that you're ok OP.

[ChippieFishieHorshie]

My DH once grabbed my arm during an argument. I was about to leave the house (it was dark outside) and he didn't want me to leave without my mobile. I can't remember any other agrument of us every getting "physical"... (that's not even a physical argument....)

All physical violence is obviously wrong. But shoving is actually more dangerous than most people realise. Depending on how you fall/on what etc...

[Papafran]

doesn't sound like the very most dreadful 'violence' ever, might be acceptable if it occurred say once in ten years in the face of really outrageous physical or verbal provocation, but twice in a couple of months in a fairly new relationship, nah, leave it

Oh my actual fucking god. I want to cry when I read shit like this. Go and do some serious research, maybe volunteer for DV shelter (actually don't because attitudes like yours don't belong around women who have fled abuse). Also, how can you class hitting as worse than strangulation? Both are very bad, but it's asphyxiation that tends to kill women. If someone puts you in a stranglehold, you know that they are a very, very dangerous individual.

[GinAndTunic]

OP, you have two choices:

(1) You can stop lying to yourself and other people, leave your partner now and cut off all communication with him forever, no matter what he says or how he pleads or promises that he has changed.

(2) You can start putting your affairs in order now. Keep a diary - preferably with photographs - of incidents and injuries. Make sure that your will is up-to-date and arrange for life insurance if you don't already have it. Make sure that your children know where to find your important papers.

[Kittencatkins123]

@TFPsa Your post mitigates and minimises domestic violence. There isn't an 'acceptable' level or type of violence. And as many PPs have pointed out, the type of violence OP has suffered is incredibly worrying (stats around strangulation). As you then admit. This is not the post to be fuzzy/unclear/grey area/contradictory on, particularly as the OP is struggling to see this as domestic violence herself (and it is hard when you are in a relationship with someone who is supposed to love you/they immediately beg for forgiveness/promise it's a one off/it will never happen again - until it does). Just have a think before you post on a topic like this - it's not fucking AIBU.