Is this a dealbreaker?

[Changemyname21]

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

[Alfiemoon1]

Yes it's a deal breaker. You should be in the honeymoon period and yet he's physically assaulted you twice already. Being drunk is not an excuse yes he's remorseful now and being over nice if u stay with him it will continue and get worse he will know he can behave like this towards you and it will become the norm he gets drunk pushes you around a bit and then you carry on as normal. He's an adult if he knows drinking makes him aggressive he shouldn't drink

[AnyFucker]

You should not be embarassed. He is the violent abuser, not you.

If you are ashamed of staying with him after he attacked you, then end it. That is easily solved. It really is that black and white unless you add shades of grey.

The shades of grey will be your downfall

[Emboo19]

Definitely a deal breaker. I'd be reporting him to the police.

Back in high school we had someone come to talk to us about domestic violence. She said, that grabbing your throat is a major warning sign that the violence will escalate and that once an abuser as done that you are much more likely to be the victim of a lethal attack. I don't know statistical how true it is, but when she told us it was something that gave me shivers and I couldn't help but think, how many women had that warning and didn't go while they still could!

Maybe have a look online at women's aid or domestic violence support.

[purplecoathanger]

Creating

I've reread what I posted. What I meant was the OP will think it reflects badly on her and that's why she feels embarrassed.

She is in no way to blame, he is the arsehole.

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

If he truely felt remorseful he would have gone to the police station, handed himself in (he's a criminal after all) and asked them to charge him and get him help.

If he is truly horrified at his behaviour, he would have done this. He would have sought help with his drinking and anger issues. He would have taken serious steps to ensure that he does not do this again. I almost typed "this doesn't happen again" but that's not right...if you are hurt by him again, it's not something that just "happens"...it's something he will do because he choose to do it, because he wants to do it, not because of anything you do. It will happen again and it will be his fault.

[HeavenlyEyes]

phone women's aid, report to the police, do the freedom programme and get the hell away from this man asap. Hands around the throat is the most scary awful indicator - you must be able to see how awful that alone is without anything else?

[CreatingADream]

Purple - Thanks for the clarification :-) Sorry for the caps!

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

Dear lord... no no no. Run for the hills. Hands around your throat? You ended up with stitches?? Jesus. OP. No. Under no circumstances ever should his actions deliberately lead to these sorts of conclusions. And already you are rationalising and minimising. Please, OP. The third time might be the last.

[CreatingADream]

Please can someone link me the hands around the throat being the indicator for murder source?

[Fanciedachange17]

www.thehotline.org/2016/03/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

[CreatingADream]

Thank you Fancied.

[Papafran]

Creating this is from USA

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.empirejustice.org/issue-areas/domestic-violence/case-laws-statues/criminal/strangulation-and-domestic.html?referrer=www.google.co.uk/#.WOf-ivnys2w" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.empirejustice.org/issue-areas/domestic-violence/case-laws-statues/criminal/strangulation-and-domestic.html?referrer=www.google.co.uk/#.WOf-ivnys2w

and this

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/

Will see if I can find some UK stuff but obv same issues apply over here in terms of human psychology.

[ChippieFishieHorshie]

Creating
This is one of the first things that popped up when I searched for it. No idea how legitimate it is.

A 2008 study in the Journal of Emergency Medicine suggested that the risks of an attempted homicide increase about sevenfold for women who have been strangled by their partner. The study also found that 43 percent of women murdered in domestic assaults, and 45 percent of victims of attempted murder, had been strangled by a partner in the previous year. “If someone was stabbed and survived, we’d say that was a very close call. If someone says she was strangled and survived we don’t say, you were lucky,” said Gael Strack, CEO of the National Family Justice Center in San Diego, Calif.

[Fanciedachange17]

www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/life-and-death-in-your-hands-strangulation-more-common-in-domestic-abuse-cases/

[seven201]

Absolutely a deal breaker. If one of your friends confided in you that this had happened to them you would tell them to leave I hope.

[Bluntness100]

I know I sound stupid. But I am 41. Grown up children. Successful career. I am not a shrinking Violet. I am kind of shocked that this has happened. But I wondered if just because an argument has got out of hand before it follows that it will continue on tgat path

Oh cmon,,you're 41. He hurts you when he is drunk. He is physically violent. I've been with my husband for 27 years, we have had some appalling arguments and yes some drink fuelled,but the man has never ever laid a finger on me. Because that's not who he is, and as for taking it if he did, that's not who I am.

Your call, But for me, it would only take once before I was gone. Oh and I argue back, I argue back and then some. Still he doesn't physically assault me, for that fhere is no justification.

[ChippieFishieHorshie]

www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/life-and-death-in-your-hands-strangulation-more-common-in-domestic-abuse-cases/

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

CreatingADream www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0736467907004143

[Fanciedachange17]

The laws have emerged along with a growing recognition across the country that non-lethal strangulation assaults are one of the “red flags” of deadly family violence.

[Fanciedachange17]

womensenews.org/2005/12/responders-learn-spot-signs-strangulation/

[CreatingADream]

Thank you everyone for the links. Sorry, I hope I didn't come across as doubting you - I just wanted to expand my knowledge. No one has ever discussed this with me (and I've been strangled). The links between strangulation and brain injury are potentially very fucking relevant in my case.

(Sorry for the brief hijack OP).

[ForTheSakeOfFuck]

OP, this is a study from the Journal of Emergency Medicine from 2007 ("Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women"), in which the researchers essentially conclude, in very simple terms, that if your intimate partner carries out non-fatal strangulation on you, you're six times more likely to become an attempted-murder victim, and seven times more likely to become an actual murder victim. Basically it's a gateway crime to murder.

Dead is a long time, OP. Think about yourself, and your children, and run like the fucking wind: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/

[Kittencatkins123]

Please end this relationship immediately. You are not 'very much in love' - you do not know this man. Within ten months he had his hands around your neck and was throttling you. Within twelve he has caused you to require serious hospital treatment. He is two people, and one of them is a violent thug.

I had a violent partner when I was 19. He pushed me, punched me, ripped clothing and jewellery off my body, put a cigarette out on my back, spat on me. Every time 'he was drunk, he was sorry and it would never happen again'. Every time it did. I would NEVER let this happen now. So yes, massive fucking dealbreaker.

Stop blaming yourself, stop making excuses for him, and see this for what it is. Please take this warning seriously. You have a chance to get out - please take it. Get away, repair, rebuild and move on without him.

FWIW I'm six months into a relationship, aged 40. We've barely even had a raised voice discussion! He is loving and caring and kind and that doesn't come with any 'except when drunk and he's attacking me' qualifiers because that DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU AND THEREFORE COULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I'm sorry if this has been a bit shouty but please please please listen to the people on this thread.

[ChippieFishieHorshie]

Creating

Honestly... I mean, I hope we're helping the OP. But if we can't convince her that she should leave... Then at least you got something useful from the thread?

I hope you're allright. THat must have been awful.

[Soconfusedandsohurt]

OP, it never gets better. I wish my ex had shown this behaviour when we were only a year in.
You're not safe with him.