Is this a dealbreaker?

[Changemyname21]

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

[krustykittens]

He's an adult. If you were winding him up, he could have walked away. He CHOSE to put his hands on you instead. And abusers always weep and cry and say how ashamed they are and it will never happen again. It always does.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

You are quite barking if you stay.
Usually the women who stay are oppressed, can't see a way out. But you are only one year in and you have a goodly amount of years behind you to have worked out what life is about.
Don't stay. He has physically abused you on two occasions, the second time repeatedly.
You will have read on MN or elsewhere that men who strangle are the ones who are most likely to go on to kill - I don't know if that's true or not but I do know that I haven't forgotten the night my then-husband tried to strangle me to death, thirty one years ago.
The 'man you love' is in your head, not in the real world. The man who assaults you is real.
Leave. Soon. Quietly, without telling him you are going.

[ChippieFishieHorshie]

Leave him.

Unless he stops drinking and sticks with it.
Make it clear that him drinking will be an absolute dealbreaker.

[wizzler]

Yep its a dealbreaker.

[ImperialBlether]

I just can't imagine a situation where I had my hands around someone's throat.

You should have left the first time. Now that he's done it again you have proof that this is the way he responds in that sort of situation.

He should have removed himself from the house when he felt he couldn't handle the way you were behaving (not blaming you for the way you behaved, but you clearly are blaming yourself.) Isn't that what you'd tell your son?

[SeaEagleFeather]

Get out

1. this has happened twice in 2 months
   
   
2. he had his hands round your throat
   
   
3. he drinks until he is aggressive.
   
   
4. you are already saying "but I provoked him"
   
   Get out.

[ChippieFishieHorshie]

I'm sorry. I think you should leave.

ASAP. Quickly. Dom't tell him where you're going.

Tell your friends they're not allowd to telly you.
He put his hands around your throat. This is really... IDk. Intent to kill imo.

[NotQuiteJustYet]

Yes, it will always get worse. This has happened more than once - if he was THAT horrified at his actions there wouldn't have been a repeat and he would have addressed his anger issues.

In my personal experience, the second time it happens proves you'll let them keep doing it. I was with someone who once threatened to throw me down the stairs whilst I was pregnant.

[Fanciedachange17]

Deal breaker. Yes I know you are heartbroken because he is really so very lovely...when he is sober...
No. This is the real man. Drink removes inhibitions. It's a quick way to see what you are really getting into. You are in danger. Get out asap. Please.

[Papafran]

He can be horrified on his own then and contemplate the fact that his violent behaviour has cost him his relationship. Hopefully he can hold a mirror up to his own flaws and recognise what sort of a person he truly is. You must walk away. He has done it twice, on two separate occasions. His remorse does not stop it happening again, showing that he cannot control his temper and he will get worse and worse as your relationship progresses, even if he stops for a period of time. You cannot be with someone like this because you will end up dead or badly beaten. Get out now.
Also, drink does not change someone's personality- it brings some of the things that we keep repressed to the forefront. Violent wife-beaters are often fueled by drink but it's not the drink that makes them do it- it's them.

[43percentburnt]

Leave. Under what other circumstance would this be acceptable?

If a criminal shouted at a police officer is it okay for the police officer to strangle him/her?

If a stranger pushed you over once is that okay?

If you fuck up a contract at work is it okay if your boss pushes you over?

If he truely felt remorseful he would have gone to the police station, handed himself in (he's a criminal after all) and asked them to charge him and get him help.

No doubt he cried and whimpered a bit, bleating on about how he's sorry, doesn't deserve you and will never do it again. While muttering you should have left him be.

Why is it okay for the man who supposedly loves you to push/strangle you? It makes no sense. Leave.

[GinAndTunic]

Is this a dealbreaker?

Yes. It is. Why do you have to ask?

[memyselfandaye]

Have you told your children, friends and family you needed stitches because of him?

Or have you lied and said it was an accident to cover for him.

He's a monster by the way, next time you'll probably be taking your teeth to A&E in your handbag, and there WILL be a next time.

[purplecoathanger]

Deal breaker, definitely.

[43percentburnt]

Oh and I bet he has done this to at least one ex. Strangulation is rarely the first type of attack. It escalates.

Report to the police, let him be arrested and charged and thank your lucky stars you Sussed him out so quickly.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"He has been so loving since. More than usual. He is really horrified."

Yep! They always are, love. They always are.

[TheSnorkMaidenReturns]

The drink is just an excuse for his behaviour. It's not the cause.

Arguing with your partner is normal. It's not you 'winding him up' until he can't take it any longer and has to push you down. Over and over again, until you hurt yourself badly.

I'm really sorry but you need to leave him now.

[April229]

If this is a serious question I think you need to have a word with yourself. What would you advise your daughter to do if she was in your place? Or a niece or anyone else in this position.

The fact that he held you but the throat is really, really aggressive. Let alone the stitches.

I've read that most partners stay for an average of 40 attachs before they leave, please don't stay for another 38.

[Changemyname21]

I lied. Said it was an accident. Clumsy me. The nurse saw the bruising on my arms and asked closely but I lied.

Fuck me...I always thought it would be so black and white. And I know it is. But I keep making excuses and justifying it. God knows why.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

In what way do you think you provoked him? What did you do?

[Papafran]

Usually the women who stay are oppressed, can't see a way out

I am not 100% sure about that (having worked in this area). I don't want to go into it because I will be flamed to death, but I do believe that a lot of work needs to be done with regard to women with children who stay with abusive partners. The OP's story is depressingly familiar in many of those cases- she could leave, but chooses not to because she convinces herself that the relationship is great. I am probably not explaining it well enough, but I am also someone who grew up in an abusive home, which makes it harder to accept that a fully grown adult is always a brain-washed oppressed victim incapable of making the choice to leave.

[RelentlesslyPositive]

Please run away.

The strangulation thing is very serious. The fact that he kept on pushing you is very serious.

I know you don't want to hear this right now. Two years ago, I asked a similar question on this board, and was given similar unanimous answers. It takes a while to process, doesn't it? Facts are uncomfortable things, they hurt sometimes.

[CreatingADream]

Where did the bruises on your arms come from?

Get out now.

Report to police. The nurse will have noted those bruises.

[AnyFucker]

You think you are special, yes?

That you alone can handle a violent man. It doesn't even frighten you. Go you.

Are you aware that hands around the throat is the number one indicator for escalating to killing someone ? That the police specifically take that sign as a huge red flag ?

Not so clever, are you really. When you are dead.

[43percentburnt]

Change, you know he's an abusive arse. What's causing you to want to stay?

He's a rotten egg, he needs throwing back into the pond. With a criminal record. His mr nice act is fake, the real him is mr nasty.