Is this a dealbreaker?

[Changemyname21]

Been with my bf a year. We are very much in love.

This last two months two things have happened. We had both had way too much to drink. I did wind him up both times.

First time, big argument, he chucked me on the chair and had his hands on my throat while yelling.

Second time. Kept pushing me over in an argument. No hitting. I kept getting up to be pushed to the floor again. But the final push I hit furniture and hurt myself. Needed stitches.

He is the most gentle man usually. Both times a lot of drink was involved. I was arguing back.

I know what I would think if it was a friend.

[FlyAwayPeter]

But I wondered if just because an argument has got out of hand before it follows that it will continue on tgat path

A couple needs to be able to argue about the really important things (and the trivial things), without violence. Even the suspicion that if you "argue back" he'll hurt you means it's not an equal partnership.

You say you're a successful career woman: what would be your reaction if a colleague tried to strangle you or hit you so you needed stitches?

[CharlotteCollins]

It's funny, but people who say they would leave at the first sign of violence in a relationship don't usually say "as long as I am blameless"

That bit gets added after the violence has started.

[CreatingADream]

Chippie Thank you - it was a long time ago, and I am now out of that environment in which it happened (and have been for a few years). I am going to raise this with the neurologist I see though as it may answer some questions we have both had about unknown causes of things. I had no idea there was a link at all so yes, I have definitely got something from this thread.

I hope the OP has too.

[ToffeeForEveryone]

You should be able to argue back. You should be able to argue back, nose to nose. And you should be absolutely secure that he won't hit you, whenever you argue back.

^That's normal.

What you have described is very serious abuse and yes, as pp have said, hands round the throat means he's millimetres from killing you. Was he in control in that moment? How can you ever be secure with this man when you know he is capable of this?

You are ignoring these incidents when you think about him. He's not the person you imagine. He nearly killed you. He could have killed you. Think about your kids.

[Fanciedachange17]

Can you find and speak to one of his ex partners?

i know at 41 you probably think this is a last chance at love and happiness but honestly it isn't. He is dangerous and yes it's going to be be really tough for you leaving but the alternative of staying will be so much worse. Don't let your grown up DC have to deal with cleaning up the remains of their mother. Please get out this second.

[MrsEvadneCake]

Please read this...

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycleoff_abuse.html

It will happen again.

[CreatingADream]

Isn't there a way you can check with the police to seek out if they have previous convictions for such things?

I can't remember what it is called, but I am sure it is named after a woman?

[Papafran]

It is especially scary to read that strangulation can result in almost immediate loss of consciousness and can also result in death several days after the incident.
The act of strangulation is horrible- you would only do it if on some level you wanted to kill the person you are strangling or make them think you wanted to. Unlike a punch which purpose is to wound, the point of strangulation is to cut off someone's air supply and eventually kill them. That is really, really fucking sinister when you think about it, so no wonder it is the classic warning for homicide.

[RelentlesslyPositive]

Charlotte, that's such a good point!

It leaves us vulnerable to the "take a look at yourself" and "you provoked me" arguments.

I always said it would only have to happen once, but life isn't that simple once you have children, are financially dependent and need a safe plan for leaving.

[Papafran]

I can't remember what it is called, but I am sure it is named after a woman?

Clare's Law I think, after the woman who was shot in Harrods by her ex. Clare Bernal.

[CreatingADream]

Yes, that's it, Clare's Law.

I would still definitely leave OP, but if you used Clare's Law it may make you feel more confident in reporting it.

[Fanciedachange17]

This is Mumsnet at it's very best. A group of people who really fucking care about a woman they don't know but are doing their very best to help pull her out of a stinking dangerous mess.

[Voice0fReason]

He will not stop this behaviour, it will only escalate.
The regret and remorse are part of the script - that's what abusers do.
Please leave as soon as you can, while you still can.

[LouMumsnet]

Evening OP. We're so sorry to hear you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page here - there are some really useful links.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

[Fanciedachange17]

Strangely a male friend (married) has asked me if I would be willing to allow him to play with my feet, stand on his stomach and strangle him. Can't imagine why he thought I would even consider it but it has made me question why I found it distasteful (apart from the cheating). Strangulation, even as a sexual game is bloody dangerous and IMO sick.
OP, I hope you are ok and know you will be supported on here albeit by virtual strangers.

[AlternativeTentacle]

If you think it is an argument that just got out of hand, then why did you have to lie? Surely if arguments getting out of hand is just a jolly jape, there would be no need to hide it would there?

It is not a jolly jape, silly him, just getting all violent and stuff. Hands round the neck is an indicator that next time, you may be dead.

Not sure how being intelligent and strong will help you then.

Get the fuck out of this relationship whilst you still can.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

A couple needs to be able to argue about the really important things (and the trivial things), without violence. Even the suspicion that if you "argue back" he'll hurt you means it's not an equal partnership.

This is a really good point.

[GColdtimer]

My DH and I have had some terrible arguments. We have been through a lot as a couple. Never once have I felt frightened, he has never used or threatened violence, no matter how provoked. No matter how heated. Because that is not who he is. This man has shown you who he is. What would you tell your daughter?

[Alfiemoon1]

Op u are an independent successful woman yet you are already thinking this is your fault you answered back you wound him up. You are not at fault. Run for the hills before it gets worse

[SarcasmMode]

Deal breaker for me.

If it happened once under the influence of drink I might give my partner a second chance if they gave up alcohol completely.

If not and/or it happened again, it would be game over.

He did it twice, even though he knew he had done it already, he did it again.

Also like many PPs have said, hands round throat is a very dangerous thing and means real bad intent.

Think about it if a cat gets another by the claws around the neck it is trying to kill the other cat - same with a dog and it's mouth around the neck.

His true colours are coming out whilst drunk.

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

LTB

[Soconfusedandsohurt]

A lot of people have made really good points.
I just want to add -
There will be a time when he does it sober. Then it'll be, because you stressed him out, you pushed him, he's tired, his living environment is making him stressed, he's depressed, work troubles, money troubles, etc.
Abusers will excuse their behaviour to the death of them.
If he was to go report himself and seek professional help than perhaps we could have a conversation about perhaps this not being a deal breaker. But even then, you'd still be terrified.
If he moved his hand quickly, would you flinch? Do you lie not too anger him? Do you find yourself lying to people close around you about what is really happening?
You may not want to report to the police, and I wouldn't push you too if you didn't want too but give it a little think - you might not only save your life, but another woman's entirely.
I'm not a psychologist by any means but I do believe people can be so toxic that it brings out the abusive side in them, but they are STILL abusive.
I have just left a very abusive relationship, and it is so so rough. I loved that man and still do and we had beautiful times and children together but ultimately my children need a mother and one who is paralysed after being thrown down the stairs or one who is murdered isn't much help.
You always think it won't be 'you' but sometimes it just is and you have to deal with that. I am so sorry OP that you are going through this but please listen to all these wise women - those who have lived it, seen it and those who just know.
Don't do this to yourself, every body deserves better than this.

[GotToGetMyFingerOut]

That's honestly shocking. I have been with my dh a long time since we were very young. We have been through alot and had some times where alot of drinks involved and we are having a disagreement. He has never ever laid a finger on me or vice versa.

Time to call it a day ok, sorry.

[Soconfusedandsohurt]

One last thing, feeling ashamed and embarrassed is so fucking normal.
I know it wasn't me, and it wasn't my fault but I still feel humiliated! How could I not see who this man was for 4 years? How could I allow it to go on for the length of time that it did? (Just over a year in my case - but there were red flags that I ignored)
But these feelings we feel will pass. Be kind to yourself OP

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Why haven't you dumped him already? Actually, you know what, fuck that question for now. Dump him right now by text, brutally, and work out why it took you so long afterwards.