Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I was hoping Mumsnet would talk to me but apparently not.

In the absence of that I may as well type my thoughts out rather than having hem rattling around in my head.

I need to make arrangements for somewhere to stay tonight but I can't bring myself to call my parents. I'm too ashamed to tell any of my friends. I feel that anyone will say "what about your children? Why have you left?" and the answer is that that's part of the problem. 'D'H feels trapped because he doesn't get to do anything for himself anymore, he doesn't get to do the stuff he did before kids and he resents me for that. But from my point of view, I don't get to do anything that doesn't involve my children. He gets to go to work, which is still work but at least it's variety. And his argument is that I can go out if I want to and he has never stopped me. I've never stopped him but I always think it's a bit unfair when he wants to spend what little time he gets with us, away from us instead. Whereas I get much more time with our children and I don't even consider having a break. Not that I wouldn't like it, but I don't consider it an option. I know it will ease off in the future but for now DD2 is still so small - she's nearly 8 months but tiny, they were both premature so their babyhood has lasted much longer. Anyway, with DD1, I know it eased off and I know it will again so I'm prepared to go through that knowing that in the future we will have more time. But DH resents that. So, when it came to separating, part of me thought "then you take them today and tonight, maybe you'll see my perspective a little". Maybe he'll realise what it's like to be up with DD2 4 or 5 times in the night and then get up the next day and have to care for two children. Or maybe it will backfire and it will give him even more certainty that he doesn't want that for his life.

Either way, I still haven't arranged anywhere to sleep tonight.

I wouldn't leave the house, OP. Really, I wouldn't. Why should you? If he wants to go back to the way his life was before, then show him the door. You don't want that - why should you leave?

FWIW it's often easier to be in the same house without arguing once a decision has been made.

The thing is that I really don't want to separate. We're going through a rough patch, yes, but who doesn't? Nothing catastrophic has happened. No one has cheated, no one has done anything awful, we've both said we still love each other. But for whatever reason he isn't happy. And I know that I should just get on with things and let him sort himself out, I know I can't control his happiness. But I don't want him to leave so it's really hard to be ambivalent.

Don't leave the house. He should if he needs space. Are you going to try relationship counselling? What are the arguments about?

A lot of men feel like your DH but presumably he knew what was going to happen when you had a second child? Unless the baby was unplanned and not what he wanted.

He is being extremely selfish and if you split then he gets his freedom while you are stuck with the children. I can't see him wanting 50/50 if he resents them.

He needs to grow up. Life does change when you have kids. There's less time, less money, and often more stress.

Can you book into a cheap T.ravelodge or similar for the night?

The arguments are about the fact that he wants space. He wants his own things. I apparently make him feel trapped and guilty if he even suggests going out and doing something for himself. That is the basis for all of the arguments.

I don't know about relationship counselling. I would but I suggested it once before - 7 years ago when we had problems - and he wasn't up for it. I should suggest it again.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. He could say that you have abandoned the home and your children, change the locks and apply for residence. My ex changed the locks on our house while I was away and I never got back into it! After months of wrangling my belongings were delivered to my rented house, some broken because of how thet were packed.
I am really sorry that you are separating. However, as you are breastfeeding someone needs to to leave the house it should be him! He wants out - let him get out!

He sounds very selfish. Did he want the children?

I was looking at a travel lodge, it's £80 for the night. But to be honest that's probably preferable than going to my parents - they're lovely but I don't want the interrogation and I also don't want to stress them out.

Thank you for saying that pinkunicorn. They've been exactly my arguments. DD2 was planned but it was me who was a bit more the driving force with trying for DD2 whereas he was for DD1.

In one of the arguments he said to me that, when we had the problems 7 years ago, he told me he didn't know if he wanted children because he worried that he would end up feeling this way. But he still went ahead and had them! In fact he wanted to try for DD1 earlier but I wanted to wait until after we were married. It's not like I tricked him in to having kids.

I think he would push for 50/50 custody - his Dad walked out on him and didn't maintain contact and he is adamant, always has been, that he will always be there for his children.

He can have all the space he wants if he leaves the house. As for 'wanting his things' I suggest that your DD's need for breastfeeding outweighs what he wants.

Sorry, by "needing his things" I didn't mean physical things - more his own interests and life outside of our family unit.

Breastfeeding has become a contentious issue as well. I didn't bf DD1 - she was much more premature and although I expressed for 7 months we never got fully bfing - and I've always felt like I've failed. So the fact that it's working with DD2, despite her prematurity, despite recurrent thrush, despite a current cut which makes every feed agony, I feel like I doing something right and I've always felt like I failed them both by them being born early (I know I didn't but that guilt is hard to shift). Anyway, he knows all of this but he blames me breastfeeding as the reason I can't go out which makes him feel guilty for going out (only recently has DD2 started taking a bottle). And he didn't bond as well with DD2 and he got used to being able to feed DD1 which I think he liked. But I feel a huge sense on achievement for actually being able to do this and it just pisses him off.

He is a really hands on Dad. But more so with DD1. Its horrible to say it but it sometimes seems like he doesn't like DD2.

Can't you both just plan an evening or two a week to 'do your own thing' if thats what most of your arguments boil down to? You could also go to work yourself and put your DD in childcare - then you would have 'time to yourself' You don't need to be resentful of your DH - you can make your own choices to be happy too.

Do not leave the house. . Tell him to go somewhere on the understanding it's a trial break while he thinks about what he wants, then you can still try to get things back in track. Give him, say two weeks to decide what he wants, he may well come to his senses after the reality of not being with you and the children hits him.

Well yes, that's the plan and the past few weeks it has been executed but he has still remained unhappy. I said to him that we would do what he suggests - each go out once a week - but in return I asked one thing, that he makes the effort with all of us when he's home. But I don't feel he has. So he has remained unhappy and I have remained pissed off that he can't try. He thinks I criticise everything he does but it's because he's so quick to snap, at all of us, that I pull him up on it because it's not fair and then I'm the bitch for criticising. Do you see how it goes round and round in circles? We both think we're right and we have the same argument every day. I've been dreading every evening.

Agree you shouldnt' leave. He can go if he wants to. You have enough on your plate with two dc's without wandering off into the night.

I do agree with you about not leaving the house but there is part of me that then thinks "why should he get a lovely night sleep? Why should I hand his freedom to him on a plate when realistically, these are the choices he has made (to get married and have children) and he should step up to his responsibilities?" Plus, if he goes, selfishly it makes it harder for me as I then have two DCs to get up with in the night (he normally gets up with DD1) and he gets a lovely, uninterrupted sleep.

Having a child is like throwing a bomb into your relationship.

The quicker your husband accepts that his life and priorities must now change the quicker he will be happier and settle into a new routine. It looks to me like he resisting it all and that is causing you mass resentment.

speak to him and ask why he is so resistent to the changes fatherhood has placed upon him?

That's what I don't understand though - he was okay with the change from no children to 1 child but not from 1 to 2. Which seems illogical.

In my mind, he grew up without a "typical" family unit. He doesn't remember having a dad at home and every weekend he spent with his grandparents while his mum went out having fun with her new partner. So to him, I think he thinks both are possible because that's what he knew growing up. He also keeps saying that he knows plenty of parents who go out as well, which is true but I think it's a bit different in the first year and then it settles down. I equally know lots of parents who don't go out so much.

Thank you all for your agreement with me. I was starting to think that I was being massively unfair and I hold my hands up that I have with somethings but at least most of you are in agreement with lots of what I'm saying.

I'm sitting in a shopping centre toilet expressing milk and feel so glamorous. I'd love to be our getting pissed and blowing all my money on shoes but I'm a parent of small children so this is what I have to do and even being out doesn't mean I escape my responsibilities. I just wish he could accept that too - not the expressing milk obviously.

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Try buying him this. It's all common sense stuff but worth a try - cheaper than counselling and it might just help.

He would want 50:50? That is disgusting - he wants to split up the family because he can't stand being tied down by the children, yet wants to have them half the week, so they're split between two homes?

I think he thinks that's the noble thing.

Thank you for that Puddlet. There's a Waterstones nearby so I'm going to go and see if I can buy a copy now.

The noble thing would be to not resent them now and to shape up into a good dad.

How can the noble thing be to run off because you don't like being a dad, then take them away from their mum half the week?

I'm not disagreeing with you Determined. I just think that's his mindset - if we can't be together then anything less than 50% would be him abandoning his kids.

And apparently it's not them he resents, it's me.