Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I can't stand the thought of being in the same room as him. I've made arrangements with my Dad (the most level headed) to facilitate any handovers of the children.

I hate him more than I ever thought it was possible to hate anyone. He is going to break my daughter's heart. She has been through so much in her short life - 9 weeks in NICU at birth and continuous hospital admissions since. How dare he do this to her? DD2 will never know a life with him here. She's oblivious and I can keep it that way. DD1 will know that something's up as soon as he doesn't come home.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I'm on my way out but wanted to send you . Use some of that anger to get your ducks in a row whilst he's not there, especially as he is the main earner. You'll need proof of his earnings, anything to do with finances etc - joint accounts and any savings he might have - copy everything and put the copies in a safe place so you have them when you need to show them to a solicitor. Heartbreaking for you and your DDs, but far better for you all not to have someone living with you who is capable of doing this.

I feel sick

Really sorry to hear about this. He is a shit. Take time for yourself if at all possible, and be kind to yourself. It's not your fault.

He needs to tell your daughter - not you. He should say he's going away for a few days - work or a trip or something. Then re-evaluate in a few days when you've had time to process things and think things through. If he needs to give her more info at that point then fair enough. Hugs.

Thank you so much to everyone for your supportive comments.

It's been a godsend to have this threat this morning, not just for your support and advice but also to be able to offload. Rather than unleashing on him or contacting every person he's ever been in contact with to tell them what a dick he is! Expect a lot of inconsistency between my posts from now on as I expect to swing between emotions.

Can I give another perspective here?

I had my DS when I was 39. He was very much planned and wanted, but the reality of motherhood for me was utterly ghastly and I regretted my choice immediately. DP struggled with my feelings because he adored DS and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. I had pnd which I was treated for and made a good recovery, but my deep feelings of wanting to run away do remain all these years later. I adore my son and I will never leave him, but I have developed a sympathy and insight into the reasons why parents simply do sometimes leave.

If the world was different, and women walking out on their kids was in any way socially acceptable, I might well have done it myself. God I miss my old life.

Sorry the thread has moved on since I started typing. I'm so sorry it has come to this op.

That's okay Morris, even aside from what has now happened, I do completely understand how you feel, I think most parents do at some point. But the important this is not to act on it - whether that be walking out or cheating. I assume you've done neither which is, in my opinion, the difference between a good parent and a shit one.

Yeuk - that horrible sick feeling.
Try sipping water.
You will be so up and down for a good while yet.
Just keep venting on here.

So sorry xx

From a legal stand point can I stop him from entering the house? The mortgage is in both of our names and is paid out of a joint account. Both of our names are on the deeds.

I sent him a text asking him what time he would be coming to get his stuff. He replied saying can we please talk. I haven't responded. So as it stands he could just come back this evening as normal and expect to be let in. I need to know what I'm legally entitled to do.

You can't legally keep him out of his own house unfortunately.
You can only request that he keep away.
If he respects you at all, he will do as you ask.
If you need to respond just a quick text saying 'I'm not ready yet' should do the trick.

Ugh. What an absolute arsehole . I was all set to post a different type of response until I got to your recent updates. UGH. How dare he make YOU feel guilty all those weeks. He should have been fucking grovelling to you all this time.

You sound amazing by the way, despite everything you've been through you've stayed strong for your girls and attempted to help him with his issues (although of course they turned out to be massive lies) and just been an all round super human. Use this thread to vent and I also hope you have some brilliant real world support. It sounds like you have wonderful parents.

Thank you Kiki. My parents are amazing. It would not be a good idea for my Mum to see or speak to him, but she's an amazing support to me. She's planning all practical stuff - she's already cleaned my kitchen for me this morning! My Dad had been defending him up to today. My Dad is very emotional and he's always backed and supported my husband so I know he will feel personally betrayed as well as devastated for me and the girls. And my brother has sent a text saying "what a cunt"! I do have an amazing family and support network. I don't have a close group of friends and the friends I do have are all happily married and baby making so I don't feel so great about speaking to them yet.

I keep feeling that I want to hear from SBH (Shit Bag Husband) but why? For what reason? I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to find out anymore. Maybe I just think he should be grovelling. But again, what for? I don't want to engage in a conversation with him because I'm worried I'll be worn down. Sorry if that makes me weak for saying/thinking that.

Good God no OP - you are not weak. You are putting the right barriers in place and defending them.

You have had a massive shock.

Totally normal!
I hate my ExP right now after what he's done.
But I still want him to say, it's all been a big mistake and I love you.
I wouldn't take him back if he was the last man on earth but it's just something we want to hear.
It's odd but that's the way it is.

And no. You can't stop him entering the house but it seems to me as if he wants to try again. In which case he would be an utter fool NOT to respect your boundary now.

OP - no decisions need to be made today. Let it all sink in first. You are in shock and he will try to use that as a lever to boomerang you into taking him back. You are breastfeeding and in a very vulnerable position.

Can one of your parents stay with you for a bit?

I imagine you're waiting to hear a massive and grovelling apology from SBH, because without abject apology and him taking total responsibility for his actions there is nothing to discuss. Any "I am sorry, but..." type sentence is one that will continue to push the blame on to you as he has been doing.

He cheated on the mother of his children while she was at home looking after them, battling PND and PTSD.

^ This is the mantra you need to say to yourself when he speaks to you. His actions now will define what kind of person he is.

Like so many others, I have been in a somewhat similar situation, but the difference was I got the grovelling and he took on complete responsibility for his actions. There were no excuses and no deflection. And after much talking and more grovelling I was satisfied and we did not split.

In your current situation I would not want to see nor speak to him again.

"Further define" I think that should say. He's already defined himself as an absolute fucknugget arsehole.

My Mum has offered to stay tonight. Part of me wants to say "no, I need to do this on my own because this is my life now" but the other part of me wants to cry and say "I want my Mummy".

I'm not sure he does want to try again, I think he just doesn't want his children taken away from him. I won't do that for their sake but I can't say I'm thrilled about him spending any time with them at the moment when he's destroying their life. That doesn't mean I'll stop him but I don't have to like it. I don't know what will happen with DD2 though, she won't really take a bottle and he can't soothe her.

Ah, I'm not surprised I was smelling the bullshit from his words in your previous posts. He doesn't want to be the bad guy, he doesn't want to be the villain, so he's trying to portray himself as the victim, but he isn't, is he? You sound like an amazing mum. Hang in there.

Have your mum stay.
You can manage on your own when you are stronger.
No matter how old my DD I wouldn't want to leave her at such an awful time.
Take all the support you can, your mum wants to give it!

Someone tell me to get a grip, part of me feels sorry for him. His mum is too angry to even speak to him yet. His sister will be similar as she remembers their Dad leaving and she wasn't happy with him anyway about the "I shouldn't have become a dad" comment. His support network has broken down and I do feel sorry for him even though it's all his own doing.

Save your pitty.
He doesn't deserve it.
He made his bed and shagged in it and now he can lay in it!!!