Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

didn't want to read and ignore. Parenting is so tough. I hope you both get the help you need.

I understand yr frustration as I to often thought the ' you try my life' card. However my worry for you is that you leaving the house puts you in a poor legal position with yr home and children . You need to go home and he needs to leave . It sounds he's a spoiled child and u don't need another. Be strong u can do this ask for help here when u wobble x

I was going to ask at what age your DH was when his dad left thinking maybe it was really young which might explain his behaviour towards you and your tiny kids. But then you wrote that your FIL is dying which has got to be a trigger. Your poor, sad DH needs to go to therapy. And then he needs to come home and apologise to you. Keep being kind (one of you has to) and keep on being firm with him. Good luck.

He needs to grow up he is 35...yes if he has depression or is suffering from the effects of his dad leaving he needs to address that. But to blame you is just wrong and out of order. Do you think there could be anyone at work from that weekend that might have gave him this 'ephiphany' of needing time alone? Hope your ok

OP did I understand correctly that this bump in the road was preceded by time away with work?

I'm sorry to ask this but is there a possibility that he's met someone or had some kind of encounter?

I'm hearing some faint alarm bells tbh...

jouu obviously I've considered that and I can't say 100% that that's not the case and I have questioned him but he's denied it. What he has said does make sense, it's completely unfair and selfish but it does at least ring true. I also don't see why he would have spoken to his Mum about it yesterday if he was just cheating on me. And I know he did see her as she was texting me later in the day.

Maybe I'm in complete denial but I don't want to convince myself that he's cheating when the reality that I'm dealing with at the moment is already hard enough. If he is cheating there's little I can do about it. If he decides to leave anyway then it's irrelevant. If he decides to stay then I can address my insecurities at that point. Ordinarily I do trust him but this has come completely out the blue so I'm searching for possible reasons and that is one of them.

I'm so tired and have a splitting headache. Hopefully coffee will help.

Hi OP, it sounds as though he may have post natal depression (the man version which is a real thing but I can't for the life of me remember what it's called)

I would send him to his GP, I also would say that it's quite normal for each of you to need an outside interest or hobby/me time whatever you wish to call it. It's harder on you as the mum and my husband felt the same guilt going out and leaving me at home, it's a difficult time but it sounds as though you are coming close to Ely he end of the hardest months with feeding.

I'm sorry this is happening, it's a difficult cycle to break, those conversations seem to go in circles with resentment building on both sides. Despite him making a huge mistake here and now, he actually does sound like a decent person under there and as scary as it seems you may need to let him go and let him deal with his issues, and if you want to wait then that's your choice.

You can't continue like this though it sounds so damaging to you and your self esteem you need to protect yourself

Thank you beingsunny. I think you're right. I keep thinking of all of these things to say - we've been together 12 years, I know him, he's never do this etc etc but I've read enough threads on here to know that those things don't preclude things from changing.

I think he may have PND as you say, and perhaps rather than tackling it head on he's trying to escape it by escaping his life. I could be way off, but having suffered with PND myself I can understand how it can easily happen. Although he hasn't had the same hormones to contend with, he has had the same situations, the same weeks and months in NICU and on top of that he has had a wife who has suffered very badly with depression and I know that living with someone with depression is awfully difficult. But, I also know how difficult it can be to reach out for help and go along to the GP and equally if I try to push him to do so it might make him defensive and push him away further. I do also think he would benefit from counselling on his own but I don't see him doing that, I'm frankly shocked that he will consider marriage counselling. I at least don't see that causing any further problems and if he's willing to consider it then if I don't it's like I'm not trying.

I haven't said it before but thank you to everyone for reading and replying on here. It really helps to be able to write it all down and to consider the different perspectives that people have put forward.

I feel for you op.Both of you actually, though you more than he, because he's lashing out at you-probably nexus she feels closest to you and that it's safe to do so.
I too think he needs help-he needs to own this, stop blaming you and go to his GP to try and get help for his depression, as that's what this sounds like to me.
Kids (especially two close together) drop a bomb into a relationship.Its bloody hard.Throw work, unrealised issues from childhood, PND, and poorly children into the mix and it becomes a minefield.
I think you have done the correct thing in staying.Its not your responsibility to fix him-he needs to do that himself, though of course you can and should help him with that if you can.And don't accept the blame he is laying on you here.Thats not ok for him to project how he's feeling on to you.

Sounds like you guys are going through a tough time.

Clearly the issues go deeper than this, but I'm surprised that going out in the evening now and then is a big deal. Isn't it good for both parents to be able to see friends and pursue other interests alongside family life? In moderation obviously. My DH and I enable that for each other. Makes for happier balanced parents I would think. But perhaps I am unusual in this. I can also see that if one parent doesn't want to do other things it becomes a one way street...

It's not that big a deal no, it's just the way it came about. He asked for something out of the blue and seemed to be laying a lot of blame on me for him feeling trapped. Only over the course of 3 weeks has more and more of the way he truly feels come out but perhaps he was alluding to something more going on from that very first conversation which is why I was resistant. At the time it got my back up because he was complaining that he'd only been out for a night out twice since DD2 was born, but that was two more times than I had. He wasn't saying I shouldn't get a break too but it just get unfair for him to say that he needs a night away each week, which I would have to facilitate, when it's me who's at home all the time as it is. Anyway, we have subsequently discussed that and come to an arrangement that could work but I don't know if that's enough for him now, as I don't know if that's really the issue.

I agree that he may well have the male version of PND.

I also think that both of you need to realise that these really tough baby years are only going to last another 18 months or so. Dd2 will be two and a half-ish by then, and that's about when it all starts to get easier.

Baby years are tough. The two of you though, arguing about who has had two nights out since dd2 was born, and who has had none, are playing a silly tit-for-tat game which needs to stop. I don't mean to sound harsh because I fully understand how it gets to this - I'm pretty sure almost every couple has felt those things, if not said them. In the end, someone is always going to get an easier ride than the other. In my marriage, it was my husband. He ran his own business (a hotel) and made sure he was out of the house 7 days a week from the minute he woke up to after we'd gone to sleep. Breast-feeding was a godsend for him, because it meant he could also ignore the night feeds! At the time, I loathed him, I have to admit.

But things have got better. He's still a lazy arse, but he has his good qualities.

I remember my sister also loathing her dh during the baby/toddler years.

I just feel that if you can get through the next 18 months to 2 years, then you might be home and dry.

Don't compare who's had the most 'time off', or who has it easier - that is the way to ruin. Just seethe inside and if you want to go out, and he's not stopping you, then do so. But don't compare. As they said on another thread, comparison is the thief of joy.

Thank you ohdarling. I needed to hear that. You're right that I shouldn't compare. It does no good and just causes further arguments.

I clarified to him this morning that I am on board with us having some time each to ourselves. A lot of the arguments have been around this so I wanted to make sure he is aware that I'm not saying no to ever going out and my resistance has been because of various reasons but they're mainly about me - insecurities and anxieties etc - and it's stuff that I need to work through. He thought that when I told him how I felt about it that I was putting up stumbling blocks but I wasn't, I was merely trying to be up front about how I feel and trying to work through it in the hope that we could do it together. I did also point out that one thing I can't control is finances and that does make it difficult to be able to do everything we want, however we can ensure that we still get time even if it's to do something free or cheap - go for a run or a coffee or the cinema. He sent me a text after he left for work saying "I will try. I'm sorry". I don't really know what he means by that but I don't want to push him or end up in an argument. I need to bite my tongue a little bit more, I always feel the need to have the last word and that's just not helpful, just as comparing isn't.

I know it will get easier, I think it will even get easier when I'm back at work (which is only a couple of months) and DD2 has to be away from me for a couple of days. It will be hard in its own way but it will ultimately be good for her. And with DD1 I think it started to get much easier around 1 year. I even think it's potentially easier now than it was - it's only since the beginning of the year that DD2 will settle in her cot at night so we get an evening. But the exhaustion is still there so all I really want to do with my evening is sleep. He said it feels like we just exist around each other and he's right, we do, but that's about all I have capacity for at times. I know it will get better though. He just doesn't seem to have the same faith or patience for that.

What does he want to do in the night away? Does he want to go gym, do a hobby or go out drinking?

If he is saying you just exist should he not be wanting you both together to go do something once a week as a couple

I've just found out he's cheating on me. Now we really are separating.

I'm sorry OP.
That is shite.
It did have all the signs but I always hope it isn't the case.
No knee-jerk reactions right now.
Get yourself some space away from him and really think things through.

What does separation look like?
How will that impact you?
Where will you live?
etc.....

Get as much love and support around you as possible.
Tell everyone.
Don't keep his dirty little secret.
It nearly destroyed me the last time.
This time I told everyone straight away.
It's easier when people know and you aren't having to internalise everything and take on the burden on your own.

Do you know any details?
Who?
How many times?
Where?

He really is turning into his dad.
Hope he's proud of himself!
With an 8 MO as well.
He's a selfish cunt.
Always remember that!

Look after yourself though.
All the usual, sugar levels up, hydrated.....
The shock will hit soon enough and you'll need your strength.
for you at this completely awful time.

I am so angry. But weirdly very calm. At least there is a resolution now. I can't believe all along he's been blaming me and he's the one who's been out with someone else. Luckily my Mum is here with me today so I have some support. I genuinely did think that he would never do this to me. He was cheated on and he was the child of a dad who cheated and left. It's not even so much the cheating, it's all the lies to cover it up. He is not the person I thought he was. I'm so worried about my oldest DD, she's 3 and she idolises him. She's very emotional anyway and she's already been picking up on the tension here. DD2 being 8 months will be oblivious, so long as she's got me and milk she'll be fine.

I just can't believe this.

I'm so sorry Iwas. Reading this thread nearly made me cry, imagining you pumping milk for your baby in a public lavatory so you could give this 'man' some space. At that point it was obvious he was some kind of sub-human species - what kind of person tells a bf mothercshe has to be away from her baby so he can find himself?
You sound like an amazing mother and your girls will have more than enough of a parent from you. Start getting your ducks in a row and channel the strength that enabled you to stand your ground and go back to your girls the first night. You'll be needing it as it doesn't aound like he has any idea of how a decent human being should behave.

Apparently he hasn't slept with her but has kissed her. I haven't asked any more because I don't think I could cope with hearing it right now.

I have already told his Mum. I text her and she phoned me right away. She is so angry at him and was in tears on the phone. We've never been best pals but she has been really supportive.

I don't intend to keep his dirty little secret. He cheated on the mother of his children while she was at home looking after them, battling PND and PTSD. There is no part of that that I'm ashamed of. What an absolute cunt. And I never use that word.

And whatever you do don't leave the house; if space needs to be created between you he's the one who should be making it. Your girls' lives don't need to be disrupted by moving house as well as all this.

None of us can believe our OH would cheat.
They just wouldn't. Look what happened to them. etc....

I'm glad you are feeling calm.
But that probably won't last.

I'm so pleased you have your mum there.
Just take everything hour by hour for now.

You sound like a great mum and fab person.
Keep strong. You'll get through this.

A saying I always like to post:-
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have.

What do I tell my daughter when she asks where Daddy is?

He needs to leave the house now - at least for the short-term initially. My husband had an EA + kissing 4 years ago after many years of marriage. He had the male version of PND and has struggled with fatherhood. You need time to think.

We are still together and I'm glad we are but it has been a hard, long road to heal the marriage - it can be done but only if both parties are willing.

Keep strong. I remember the utter feelings of shock, betrayal and anger that I felt. I also remember a strange sense of calm initially as things finally made sense. Then the shock and anger kicked in.

Keep going and don't keep things in.

YOU don't need to tell her anything.
HE has to tell her.
With you there of course.
Don't be accepting any of the blame.
HE can explain why he's having to leave.
Don't take on that burden as well!