Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

How can a person change so much in such a short time? Nearly 12 years we have been together. Since I was 18. How can this arsehole be the father to my children? They deserve so much better than him. How did I make such a monumentally bad decision for them?

A million things must be going through your head just now OP, but try and remember that you aren't responsible for his actions. He is. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. You, no more than anyone else, can't predict the future. None of this is your fault for somehow not "seeing" the future.

I need your help. He wants to see his children tonight and on the one hand I don't want to stop him from seeing them but on the other hand I definitely don't want to see him and I feel the need to protect them today and I don't want to be away from them today. I'm not saying he can't see them I just don't think it's a good idea today. Can anyone come up with a decent solution? Am I being unreasonable to say no to today?

No it's not a good idea today, you need time to process his cheating remember so tell him to piss off for now.

I thought right at the beginning of your thread OW; his actions are that of a man that wants to be with someone else; pity he couldn't be honest with you.

Please don't entertain any trying again; the man is not interested, he's already gone in his head; he's not even a man OP, what you describe is a very weak, cowardly and unpleasant person who has basically abandoned his wife and kids; try what, try putting up with that, no I don't think so.

With your family and friends, you will get through this.

Why on earth do you pity him; he's behaved appallingly; do you think he pities you or pitied you when he was out shagging someone else.

You need to feel nothing but anger and apathy now, for him anyway.

Maybe just reply "I can't face seeing you today and I can't bear the thought of being apart from them tonight so please can you wait until tomorrow".

And then tomorrow, perhaps your mum could do a handover with him so that you don't have to see him?

My Dad is prepared to do a handover. Mum is not a good idea - she doesn't have a filter and would say exactly what she thinks, she agrees that she's not a good idea!

I'll reply something to that effect. Thank you.

I still don't know what will happen about DD2 though. I worry she won't take enough milk if she's away from me.

You do what is right for you and the DC right now.
He can go fuck himself (or OW) for a while until you get your head straight.
He can see them for a couple of hours over the weekend.
Would that work for feeding little one?
You are not ready for him to have them today or tomorrow!
He did this.
He has to live with the consequences.
You do NOT have to be reasonable this week!

Thank you. I just don't want to end up being the bad guy who kept him from seeing his kids. And I don't know if it's best for them to see him or not.

My eldest is going to be distraught. She doesn't know anyone who doesn't live with one parent. She has no concept that that's even a thing. For all of his bad points he has always been incredibly close to her which makes it even more unbelievable that he has done this and even harder for her to have to live with the consequences.

It's so difficult not to unleash my anger on him. I also instinctively want to ask where he's going tonight but I don't really want to know.

My Mum is staying tonight. My family are amazing.

I'm going to get together important documents and give them to my parents to keep at their house.

Do what's right for your children. If it doesn't work for feeding DD you do not need to compromise. You do not need to pump. He could be spending every night with his children but he not only chose to be with another woman , he tried to yell at you and tell you everything was your fault and make you run in circles trying to fix it, so now, unlike him, you can be honest and say fuck off.

Would that not screw me over legally though?

No not really.
There is not contact order in place at the moment so you are doing is right for yourself and DC at the moment.
Get something unofficial in place once you've had time to digest everything.
One evening a week and every other weekend or something similar.

I feel so sick.

It keeps hitting me over and over again.

It is such a crap time.
Get lots of hugs.
Your emotions will be all over the place a good while yet.
Look after yourself though.

Thank you so much to everyone for your support. This thread is helping me to offload.

My eldest is going to be distraught. She doesn't know anyone who doesn't live with one parent. She has no concept that that's even a thing

I find this very hard to believe in this day and age; there's no such thing as a nuclear family anymore OP; I think your daughter will be just fine; nothing wrong with being a single parent, I did it, and my daughter is admired by young and old, makes no difference.

Just remember you are entitled to a person that doesn't behave the way your OH has.

How did you find out and how long has it been going on?

No, I didn't really want to know. I didn't ask any more questions. I asked if he'd slept with her, he said no, I asked if he'd kissed her, he said yes. This was on the phone and I hung up after that.

DD1 has only just turned 3. There is no one in our immediate circle of friends or family who only has one parent. There may be children at nursery who do but she wouldn't really be aware of that. It's not something that we've ever discussed with her because we've never had a need to.

I'm so sorry to hear this op, although back at the beginning when he said he had 'made a decision that he maybe shouldn't have' I thought OW back then. I am absolutely disgusted at what he has put you through, saying he doesn't get enough time to himself. He had more than enough time to meet another women and have an affair! While you were at home on your own holding everything together! The gas lighting was unbelievably cruel, as was trying to make you the bad one who 'left'! He is absolute scum, he is not worthy to be sh*t on your shoe never mind your husband. I hope I'm wrong but be prepared for him only wanting to see dd1 and using the I haven't bonded because of you bf line. The absolute LAST thing you should be doing right now is stopping bf, your little one will need familiarity and reassurance as despite her age she will feel the upset and repercussions.

Think this op, he wished your daughters were not born so he could justify sha**ing someone else.

A kiss, yeah, sure; I'd hazard a guess he's in lust at the moment, what an absolute bastard he is.

Stay strong OP, you have your family at least, where is he staying now, has he left your home?

He'll always make it all about himself and how hard done by he is. I really hope you learn to make yourself a priority because he certainly won't. I had a feeling there'd be something like this from the OP itself, but everyone launched in with 'poor guy, he needs to see the GP' 'he has PND' 'You do X, Y, Z to support him'.

I thought the same Expat, PND my arse.

It's the same old story; and 9 times out of 10 involves OW.

I appreciate what you're all saying that you thought it from the beginning and I had my doubts too but I had to try. To be honest, the comments saying you knew it from the first post and it was obvious all along are making me feel like a fool. Without certainty I had to try because, unlike him, marriage means something to me.

Clearly I've been an idiot all along but I was trying to retain the good life that I thought we had. I know I've been stupid and foolish but if it's all the same I don't need to keep hearing it.

Sorry if I sound like a bitch.