Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Hello OP
This may be a bit disjointed as I'm pushing my pushchair.
You are panicking. If you get the cold, you will be ok. It's not serious and you must have been unwell since becoming a mum. You just do the bare essentials. I'msure your mum will help.
Why not plan a short holiday in the UK with your girls and parents. Rent a cottage. Not tied to school holidays. Your home probably feels toxic. I'd change the locks before i went

I don't mean a cold, I mean something worse. Either mentally or physically. Although at the moment I'm not at immediate risk of physical illness I feel myself becoming really run down so I'm concerned I may be more susceptible to illness generally. And from a mental health perspective - I'm always this way, I keep going and keep going through crises and then when it's all over I crash and can't cope. When DD1 was in NICU I kept going, I obviously cried a lot but I got out of bed every day and went to the hospital every day because I had to. But once she was finally discharged and came home, all of the exhaustion and worry caught up with me and that's when I started having panic attacks, couldn't get out of bed, would shake when she'd cry, I stopped eating, couldn't speak to people, couldn't even hold her and my husband had to take the reins completely. I'm scared of that happening again. I think it's just adrenaline getting me through at this point and just as things get that bit easier, that's when it's almost "safe" to fall apart and I'm worried that's what I'll do.

You have a loving, supportive mum and dad, OP. You don't have to lean on that man

I wouldn't want to lean on him for my own sake, but if it became necessary for the children to be looked after by someone else, firstly that's not my parents responsibility and secondly, I'm not sure they could cope. They are fantastic and will do as much as they can but everything that has gone on has already taken its toll. They are exhausted too, my Mum has been having anxiety attacks and had to be off work for a few weeks. My Dad isn't as intuitive with either DD so it always ends up falling to my Mum regardless. And although my DB and DBIL would help, my DDs aren't used to them looking after them, they play with them, but don't feed them, get them to bed etc. I know I'm worrying about something that's not even happening but the thought of this situation and having no back up is causing more stress and anxiety for me.

I am really struggling today. I just keep thinking "I can't do this".

How was the rest of your day op?

Not good. I'm not coping at all well. I've started a new thread in Mental Health because this one is nearly full and unfortunately Mental Health seems like the kind of support I'm going to need now. I'm really not doing very well at all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/2888520-i-don-t-know-how-to-get-to-tomorrow

OP have you gone to see your GP and explain to them how you are feeling?
Plenty of people who are separating are taking ADs to help them through. That's OK and it sounds like you would do with that sort of support.

I'm already taking ADs. The GP increased my medication from 30mg to 40mg recently but said I should consider stopping or reducing breastfeeding at that dose. I held off taking the higher dose but increased it last week and am trying to get DD2 to take more solids. 40mg is the highest dose that can be prescribed and anything is unsafe in breastfeeding. I know if necessary I would/could stop but I have such enormous emotions attached to breastfeeding that I think that might be detrimental to my MH in another way.

Can you please ask your parents or a friend to come over tonight? I don't think you can be on your own... alternstuveky ring him and if he answers tell him he's got to take the kids tonight or tomorrow. They are his responsibility too. its ok to tell him you aren't coping - he should see the effects he's had.

My parents offered to stay but I said no, I just want to be on my own. I've been around people all the time for the past couple of weeks. I just want some time on my own where I don't have to pretend it's all fine.

Whatever works for you as long as you are safe. My parents couldn't cope either when we were in the thick of it last year btw - but I know they'd always rather i still ask for help from them - they did get up a point where they couldn't always give it tho which was fine as I completely understood.

Would you consider going back to the GP? You need some extra support and it's ok to not be coping after everything you have been through.

I think he needs to know the impact of his actions- he is their father and regardless of anything else in his life he needs to step up and co parent even if you are not together.

I'm so angry on your behalf, his actions are especially poor knowing that you have suffered from depression in the past

I don't know how to make him step up and be a parent. I don't want to keep telling him he needs to see his children. He shouldn't need to be told. It makes me so angry that he hasn't even been in touch since Friday, almost as though now that our relationship has properly ended, so has his involvement with his children. It would kill me not to even know how they are for 3 days, let alone not seeing them. DD1 was crying at bedtime saying she wants her Daddy. She also got star of the week at nursery and I'm so proud of her but I'm not going out of my way to tell him. I can't believe he is treating his children exactly how his Dad treated him and is somehow justifying it to himself.

He is a dick god there are two threads on this I've read where I have felt genuine hatred towards the men and it's this one and one by a girl called Ophelia rose. Horrible horrible bastards. Could you maybe get yourself some counCelling I know easier said than done but don't let him bring u down rise above him. You don't need him he is a sack of shit

I think you have to just keep telling him and telling his family.

Well done dd1 on the star! That's brill considering all that's going on.

I'm sorry it's so heartbreaking watching her deal with him leaving

Maybe he's too scared to contact you after Friday?
You aren't giving him any power if you just telll him - I'm not coping - it's your turn to do a night or two. Please come tomorrow.
You can still hate him and also use him!

You can't make him stand up and be the person you want him to be. He has already shown his true colours and given your fragile health I would be focusing on fixing you and establishing your family unit. Let him come to you.

I speak from experience when I say this. You will be better placed getting in a routine and leaving him to it. He will come round and then is the time to establish a routine that suits you.

How are you OP? X

Hi Linds

Not so good the past few days. I'm updating on the new thread now:

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/2888520-i-don-t-know-how-to-get-to-tomorrow