Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I came home and told him I'm not leaving. Apparently it's unfair of me to change the plan from earlier. I told him if he wants to separate then he should be the one to go. Of course it ended up in an argument. I reiterated something about him not wanting children and then said, actually I think you wanted DD1 but not DD2. He said he's never said that but I said his actions did. Apparently it's all my fault because she's been attached to me 24/7 so I haven't let anyone else bond with her. That's utter crap because my Mum has managed to form a bond with her. Plus, if he thinks I was doing something wrong or not allowing him enough time with her then he should have said something. It's all well and good to have a go at me for it now we're 8 months down the line.

He's blaming me for everything. He's clearly not happy and I don't know why. I get the impression he wants the single life - freedom to go out when he wants, spend what he wants and do what he wants. But he's forgetting all of the great things we have/had too. Yes, parenting is hard. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be but part of getting through it is doing it together and when one of you is finding it tough you lean on the other one. Maybe I need to be more supportive, but any practical suggestion is taken as a criticism. And so his answer is to leave. But if I say all of this to him, his answer is "I just wanted one evening a week, is that too much to ask" and no, it's not, but it's all the other stuff he said when he brought this up - that he feels trapped, that I make him feel guilty, that he misses his old life, that if it doesn't get sorted he'll end up resenting us. And even when we made the agreement for one evening a week, each, we still continued to argue and he still wasn't happy at home. What am I supposed to do? Is this beyond salvage now? Do I just have to sit back and wait for him to decide if he wants to be part of this family anymore?

Is there any chance he would go to counselling?

If he won't, then in my view there's nothing to hold on to.

Why is a father saying that he wants one evening a week away from his young family. I don't have children, but is this typical?

iwasagirlinavillage, don't allow him to turn yourself inside out trying to find the answer to his troubles. It sounds like he doesn't have what it takes to be a fulltime husband and father. I really feel for you and hope you find the strength you need to get through this time in your life.

It's all about him isn't it?

Wow OP, unfortunately for him, you can't fix how he's feeling - if he goes out and feels guilty that's his issue, from what I've read I don't think you're making him feel guilty. It makes me think that he actually feels guilty for not wanting the lifestyle he has now, and feels guilty for wanting a different one. You are in maternity leave with two small dc's going from 1-2 dc's is a major leap and very emotionally draining, although from what I can gather, it is you who has borne the brunt of this. I would actually ask him to leave and demand that once he has a clear view of how he things you should move forwards, you can discuss or even email until emotions settle. As it stands it's just not practical for you to leave your 8mth old. I filled up at the thought of you expressing in a toilet - you don't deserve this love ... It's him who's shit himself and its him who'll have to clean it up

• thinks [sigh]

He hasn't left. We talked a lot tonight, didn't argue. A couple of times he got annoyed at what I was saying and flew off the handle but rather than rising to it and snapping back as I usually do I remained calm but called him out on it. I told him that he's waiting for me to say something "wrong" so he can unleash his anger, even if it's mid sentence and he decides what I'm going to say to fit his agenda rather than listening. At one point I very firmly said this to him and made him listen to what I was going to say. After a few minutes of silence he admitted that maybe it's not "us" causing the arguments, maybe it's him.

He told me that he doesn't think he should have become a Dad. He loves our daughters, he loves them for the people they are but if he had the chance again he doesn't know if he would have made the decision to have them. But at the same time he can't bear the thought of not seeing them every day. It's horrible to hear but I feel that is the honest answer and in a weird way I'm relieved that he's said it. I remember a post on here about someone regretting having children and there was a recent article in the guardian about it. I will even admit that I sometimes fleetingly question if having children was the right decision for me but then I am flooded with guilt and want to give them a big cuddle for even thinking it. But the most important thing is, despite those thoughts, I know that I will never leave them. I chose to have them and even in my toughest parenting moments I love every little bit of them. Although I may occasionally think "what if" there are a million more wonderful things I do have from having them than I would in any of the alternative scenarios. Anyway, he said that he's struggling with a decision that he made that he can't go back on and that's what's making him feel trapped. He said he's going to go and speak to his Mum tomorrow as I said that it seems like he's following in his dads footsteps and he wants to speak to his Mum to see if an alternative perspective would help. I've told him that as much as I love him and I want him to stay and I want our family to be the same, I'm not going to coerce him into making a decision that he isn't happy with. Weirdly, if he doesn't want me I'd fight harder to prove that he should but with my children, if he doesn't want then then he doesn't deserve them. And I can love them enough for both of us. They are the most remarkable little girls, DD1 had to fight so hard to be here, she's already been through so much in her short little life, how dare anyone be anything other than amazed by them. (Massive PFB moment! And PSB actually, but my kids are fucking amazing!)

So that's where we are. I have also asked if he thinks he may be depressed. He's not sure but he didn't dismiss it off hand. I'm going to focus on making both DDs happy and make sure they're okay. On top of all of this I've got flu which is just great! But makes me even more grateful that I'm sleeping in my own bed tonight. Thank you all for giving me the push to stand up for myself and insist that I'm staying.

He could do with seeing his GP and also getting some counselling to deal with the effects that his Father leaving him has had.

He seems in conflict, defensive but also a bit lost.

You are doing the right thing in staying calm but standing firm. You don't need to be anywhere than in your own home.

That's really positive OP, from what I can gather it's his feelings that are limiting his ability to be "present" emotionally, thus he then feels guilty which then turns into anger.

The idea that you are both causing the arguments is easier for him to accept than the reality of his feelings (trapped, regretful, angry, ashamed) which must all be pretty shocking and scary for him.

Maybe a few days at his mums, with a view to talk again on Tuesday or something might give you both chance to rest and regain some strength. It's all very emotionally exhausting.

Perhaps tomorrow you could ask a friend/family to play with the girls for you, while you have a lemsip and a bath/sleep. Hope you feel better soon, well done for tonight OP, it's a step in the right direction xxx

Yes you stay right where you are. You need him to leave and turn his world and routine upside down to see if that is what he really wants.
Your girls need you and they need continuity and stability and that comes in the form of YOU not him.

He's the one repeating history. He's wanting to jump ship. He should go.

Sounds like a totally selfish arse. STAND YOUR GROUND op !

He's gone to see his Mum and I've just told my parents, a very abridged version of what's going on. I feel relieved to have told someone. I don't want them to think negatively of him as that won't help the situation. My Mum will be annoyed at him regardless of what I say - she gets on well with him but I'm her little girl and if he hurts me it hurts her. Whereas my Dad is more measured. When we had problems before and he had a short separation they stayed in contact. I think they genuinely like each other and my Dad will want to do everything to help.

I feel really anxious today. Very shaky and sick. No appetite whatsoever although I know I need to eat to produce milk if nothing else. DD2 was up from about midnight til 3 last night (teething) so I'm also shattered which isn't helping.

I hope that talking to his mum will help him, she can certainly tell him how she felt when his dad left her, maybe it will get through to him.

Time away will go one of two ways, he realises what he is losing and comes to his senses or he decides he does want the single life which makes him a selfish prick.

The thing is he usually isn't selfish at all. He does loads at home, loads with the children (more so when it was just DD1), tells me to go back to bed for a lie in, did more than his fair share of night needs with DD1. It's like he condenses his selfishness into an enormous selfish act. Or maybe being selfless for so long has just really started to grate. But then he needs to find that balance himself, he can't expect me to fix a problem that I didn't know was a problem.

I'm feeling less anxious since I've spoken to my parents and, as hard as it is with two DCs on my own at times, I get through it and that proves to me that I can do it if I need to and that gives me a little confidence boost.

You absolutely can and will do it.

I'm obviously the first and only to put out an unpopular thought, but I could have written most of your words 3 years ago; my DH shouldn't have had kids but once they were here he was determined to be a good dad/supportive husband. We went through the depressed/stressed/mid life crisis talks; turns out he had fallen for someone else (no kids-delightfully told me she was like I was "before I had kids"). Lives with her now, is a good once-a-week Dad and has the best of all worlds.

Guard yourself whilst keeping an open mind. I hope it works out for you all x

Sometimes earlier losses in life (such as that of a dad) hit us at transition stages in life. He sounds open to feedback so that is positive.I hope you can work it through.

The first few years of young children is draining and I tend to feel men cope less well as they don't really expect the impact to their lives.
Has anything changed in work for him? Perhaps new people around him makes him feel like life is passing him by.Does he get to go excerise to reduce stress?

I feel sick with anxiety. We've argued again today. He just seems to angry at me and at everything. He's annoyed that I don't agree that a break would be good. Under the circumstances it probably would help but I worry that if he leaves that will be it forever. And I suppose I can't control that, but it doesn't mean I'm just going to agree that it's what I want when I don't. Apparently when I agreed (the other day) that a break would be a good thing, and we put a plan in place (for me to leave, which I went back on yesterday) it was easier to execute the separation as we were in agreement but now that we're not, he's the bad guy if he leaves. I can't change that and I'm not just going to agree with him to make it easier on him.

I'm so exhausted. My head is fuzzy. I'm still not feeling great from this cold/flu/infection. I've only eaten two slices of toast today. I know I need to eat properly but I feel so sick I can't bring myself to.

How have we ended up here? A few weeks ago I was happy, I thought we were happy. I certainly didn't expect this.

As for work, he had a weekend away with work which is what instigated all of this. He realised the freedom that he didn't have ordinarily and that he did have that weekend and it made him realise he's unhappy.

We had a trial separation a couple of years back. Similar to you, we both still loved each other and no one had done anything "wrong" but we couldn't seem to be in a room together without arguing. Like you, our plan was to alternate leaving in order for the kids to still see both of us.

At the time we didn't know if it was permanent. We agreed a moth and then review, but in the end it only lasted a week but it did the job. We had time and space to think clearly on our own and to miss each other. I absolutely needed the mental space.

Personally, if you do continue together I think you should give up or reduce breast feeding. I'll probably be flamed for that but I think it would help you both divide the nights more fairly and I really really think lack of sleep is massively compounding things here.

I think you can get through this but both of you will need to compromise and it doesn't feel like either of you are willing to do that at present.

Where's you in all this? It's all he's unhappy, he has issues from dad walking out, he wants freedom, it's all your fault for BF and you're being told to sort it all out: get him to the GP and counselling. Who is providing all this support for you? This man is an adult, FFS. I'd leave him to his mum's.

If only I could come and give both of you a hug. Are you both quite young?
Two premature babies. That's tough going especially for you. I think deep down you both love each other.

I'm 30, he's 35.

Two premature babies has had a lasting impact on me. I still struggle with PND and PTSD. Ive just finished CBT and am looking at a talking therapy and also looking in to EMDR. I know it affected him too but differently. I also wear my heart on my sleeve and he buries things. I feel I've been selfish by struggling with PND. At times I've struggled to want to live and he's had to be a constant support for me but maybe his needs have been neglected.

Another thing is that his dad has recently been diagnosed as terminally ill. He has no relationship with him and he said he doesn't really feel anything about it but he won't really talk about it and I wonder if that's got something to do with this now.

Venus I appreciate your post but I've got to ask - where does it not seem that I'm willing to compromise? He said he wanted a night a week to go out and I, begrudgingly I admit, agreed to it and we started to put it in place. I am willing to compromise wherever I can but part of the problem is that he won't tell me what he wants. All he wants at the moment is to have a break but he wants my blessing that it's the right thing and I'm not sure it is. In truth, I'm scared of it. As for stopping BF, I REALLY don't want to but I would, although I don't think it would help. It would mean more pressure/responsibility for him and that's exactly why he's wanting to leave right now.

I have mentioned counselling and he said maybe. That's the most positive he's ever been about counselling before. I'm going to look in to some places tomorrow and put it to him and see what he thinks if he's presented with an actual possibility. And I mean marriage counselling, not just for him.

I think he's scarred by his experiences. It's not the MN way to be sympathetic to the man as well as the woman but in this case it's valid. I bet you're both exhausted.

Typically DD2 is now vomiting. Her bed ended up covered in her dinner and then she covered me in milk. When it rains it pours.

He definitely needs to talk about his dad if he is terminally ill. He could have very mixed up feelings about that, but will need professional help to sort his head out.

I think he needs counselling on his own and then with you.