Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Oh and Happy Mother's Day to you as well.

I don't think that all OW think they are better than you for making the husband leave. Because she didn't make him do anything - he did it of his own choice.

And I think that many OW have been told a lot of BS by the cheater - our marriage has been over for years, we don't have sex, I'm only staying because of the kids, she doesn't pay me any attention, I sleep in the spare room, etc etc . And lots don't know he's married until they are very emotionally involved.

I've never been an OW BTW, I'm just trying to make sense of some of the threads I see here. Where women have been with a man for months or years and post because he "won't commit ". Then on questioning it turns out there's some complicated but entirely genuine reason why she's never been to his house, they can't go out in his home town and she's never met any of his family.

I'm not defending your husbands OW, it's just I don't really think it's about her IYSWIM. It's him you need to be angry with.

I'm angry at him. And it just makes me feel better to think that any relationship they have will be a pile of shit anyway. Hopefully he's jumped ship for something far worse and he'll realise that when it's too late. It already is too late.

He's just had some flowers delivered to me from the girls for Mother's Day. Inside the card is says, among other things "thank you for always being there for us"...unlike him who has fucked off with someone else! I'm so angry at him for doing that. Trying to make it about him! And they're my favourite flowers and it all just pisses me off.

Time for you to take back control
Firstly see a solicitor- you can divorce for adultery naming OW if you wish ( bet they would both love that).
Get your finances in order, claim for single person council tax reduction, find out just what you are entitled to in benefits-what does he pay for just now, will he continue to pay?
Bag up all his shit and text him to come and collect asap,or even better if possible get it all dumped at his DM's house.
Anger is good, it will keep you motivated.

from me too

I'm around extended family today and finding it quite hard. They all know and they're all supportive but it's just pretty difficult to be here as my new 3 person family when it's always been the 4 of us.

I agree. The best thing you can do is to take control and start divorce proceedings.
This will be good for you - to know where you stand, to take the control back in your life and to have the opportunity to start anew. After all, that's exactely what he has done, so shouod you be waiting in the no man's land the created?

This will be hard for him. Divorce papers with the name of the OW and citing adultery, him having to agree to have the dcs at HIS house, having to agree on clear timings in when to see the dcs, having to take responsibility and more importantly having to stop playing 'the good guy' when it suits him (e.g. By sending flowers to you on Mother's Day, easy to do and makes him look good but nothing when it's about a DC not feeling well or when it's about him doing something he'd rather not - e.g. Giving you a clear timing for when he will have the girls)

Atm he has the opportunity to blow hot and cold, be nice and lovely when it suits him to just then be ignoring you.
That's one of the reasons it's so hard for you atm. He is at the same time a awful twat only interested Lin himself and still the nice guy who doesn't forget mother day.....

I don't know her name so I can't do that anyway.

I'm struggling with the enormity of it all today. I know I need to get legal advice and I will but right this minute the pressure feels too much and the constant mentions of what I need to do are making me feel like I'm suffocating - not just from this thread, IRL too.

I'm feeling really down. My husband was always a big support in my very low, depressed moments. I once shared with him this image when he asked how he could help me and subsequently, when I was feeling low I'd text him to tell him I needed a nest. Right now, I need a nest.

OW name will come out in the wash--no need to stress about that right now.
concentrate on getting yourself sorted, getting rid of his stuff and making your house your own. You can't depend on him any more--he will not be there for you and he has proven that over the past few weeks. he is a selfish twat and you deserve better.
I still think you harbour a wee thought and that he will come to his sensed and revert to the DH he once was. This is not going to happen and the only way he can begin to see what he has thrown away is to stop considering him and stop contacting him. Let him see you are strong enough to do this on your own with family support.
It is very early days from the big reveal of sleeping with OW. Give yourself a few days then shake yourself into action.
No one has said it will be easy but l am sure you have plenty support in RL including your wonderful DM and DF.
Sending you very umumsnetty

I'm not considering him and I'm not contacting him. I think the flowers today threw me. I'm angry at him for doing it, but it probably had its desired purpose - reminded me that he knows and remembers what my favourite flowers are, reminded me how well he knows me. They were purple as well - the girls always buy me purple flowers for world prematurity day. And the message, the way it was written, was so him. It just felt like a perfectly typical thing for him to do that, had he have done it in previous years, I would have welcomed and thought was lovely. But he shouldn't be doing it now. He also addressed it to my married name which pissed me off.

There is part of me that hopes he will return to his old self, because I've seen glimpses of it, but not so we can reconcile, so he sees how awfully he has behaved and has some kind of guilt and remorse for what he has done.

Hi my dear,
I think his timing is appalling and so crass to send flowers from your girls on Mothers Day. He seems to be living in a bubble unaware of all the chaos and pain he has caused. Time for a dose of reality as the others on mn have suggested.
I wondered if citizens advice might be less daunting for you to approach than a solicitor? Could advise you about the various options?

Sorry, when I say I'm not considering him. Obviously I am still giving a lot of thought to him and what he's done and what I do now, but I'm not factoring him in to any arrangements or considering his feelings or needs.

I think your new nest has to be your girls and your mum and dad. He can't be it at the moment - he's the reason you are so upset.
Of course he'll feel bad about what he's done. IMO the flowers already point towards feeling guilty.
I think you need to stop looking at the emnority of it - that's too much right now and will crush you. I think you need to go back to taking one day at a time until you are feeling stronger. You don't need to file for divorce now. You probably do need to address the practicalities of the money situation but again - do it in your own time. Write everything anyone mentions on a big to do list and then hide it away - get it out only when you feel strong enough. Right now it's ok to curl in bed or on sofa and cry/watch cheesy films/eat chocolate

Thank you sunshine I needed to hear that about curling up on the sofa or in bed. I haven't done that because I feel like any spare time should be looking at practical stuff. You saying that is like I have permission to be a little bit self indulgent.

You totally have permission to be self indulgent.

Happy Mother's Day, OP! 💐

What a funny one for you. Hmm, I can't decide if he's racked with guilt after finally admitted the extent of his relationship with OW or that he still, as you say, shows a glimpse or signs of the man who has spent the last 12 years with you?

Either way, what a head fuck! But I can bet you a million pounds he hasn't shared this thoughtful gesture with his witch! So please do remember to remind her of the fact he chose your favourite flowers, thought carefully of the colour and the words inside, when you come to meet her and she says something (no doubt) that pisses you off!

Maybe I'm just being mean but it makes me feel better conjuring up a back up plan! 😝

I hope you get a better nights sleep tonight. Have you had any updates on him having them this week??

That's a good point paperdoll. He's already starting off his new relationship by withholding information from her. He's also probably getting himself in to debt - I asked him the other week what he's been doing about buying food as there were no payments at supermarkets from the joint account (other than mine) and he said he's been using his own account which will be his overdraft as the joint account was what we used for everything. There was also a letter that came for him with a card attached so I suspect he's applied for a credit card to pay for stuff, which he won't be able to pay off. He's so appealing!

And no, no updates on him seeing DDs. I haven't heard from him since I saw him on Friday. Aside from the flowers but I think they were ordered before that as he asked me in the day on Friday if I would be at my parents yesterday.

Just took DD1 to nursery. She sobbed and sobbed. It's the worse I've ever known her. They had to peel her off of me. She kept saying "I want my Daddy". And despite everything, my instinct is to want to text him because my instinct is that he's my ally. But of course he isn't now. And so as well feeling worried and concerned for my daughter, the harsh reality of the situation also reminds me that her emotions are mine to deal with alone.

DD2 also has a cough/cold that seems to be getting worse. I took her to the doctor a week ago on Friday and he said her chest was clear, just viral, just have to ride it out. Same as everything that she seems to get. I can't remember the last time she was fully well for more than a few days. She is miserable with it and slept really badly.

I wish I could protect them both from anything physical, mental and emotional. The fact that it's all on me to attempt to do it now makes them seem very vulnerable.

Text him - neutrally to tell him about both kids (v hard to be neutral about dd1's upset I know!). He should know about these things and I don't think you should make it easy for him by pretending the kids are ok.

Just don't expect a response!

You are doing a brilliant job with them - they know you are their rock.

Feeling really down today. I just want to curl up and cry but that's easier said than done when you have a baby to look after. Especially a sick one.

I keep thinking/feeling as though it's all going to catch up with me and I'm going to end up getting ill. And what happens then? I'd have to ask him to take his children which would make it seem like I'm asking him for a favour which is such bollocks when they're his children. And the last thing either of my DDs need is for Mummy to not be there. It just feels like it's getting too much. I'm exhausted, anxious and starting to get quite depressed. It's just not sustainable long term.

I just had a sleep with DD2 on the sofa and I've woken up feeling really low, but almost shut off and numb.

Maybe you need to have a word with his family about the fact he's not seeing his kids and explain to them that you can't do it alone? Maybe ask that they'll help a bit more?

It's not sustainable you need some help.

Also maybe a trip to the GP to review depression meds etc see what they can do.

Thinking of you. You're doing really well.