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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
amusedbush · 12/01/2017 10:41

Honestly, I do think "yikes" when I hear things like that but I do understand how it happens, having a couple of friends who had their first very young, then had other serious relationships later on.

If a man is going to judge your life and your choices then they're not someone you want to spend time with. View it as a quick way to weed them out!

Isadora2007 · 12/01/2017 10:46

I guess I would try to tell them quite early on but not right away. So I'd want them to get to know me a little and know my values and standards and then that way when I told them about the different fathers although they may judge initially they would know me a bit better.
Also, having had four children in 8 years to three different men what have you learnt or what would you do differently? Do YOU feel that it was somehow wrong or with hindsight do you see what went bad? What I am getting at is that someone who just has numerous flings and no contraception and just does what they want with hell to any consequences is very different from someone who had a few relationships they believed to be significant but turned out not quite as planned... I might date someone like that but not the former...if I was a man!

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:52

Thanks for your views. I had my first child at 21 from a fling. My second at 23 to a short relationship that I thought was going somewhere but obviously wasn't. I then met my ex husband and had my third and fourth at 27 and 29. We separated 18 months ago but are on very good terms.
Reading that back it sounds bad doesn't it?

OP posts:
Newtssuitcase · 12/01/2017 10:57

I think the reality is that lots of people would make some assumptions about you. As such I'd do as a pp has said and let them get to know you quite well first.

NameChanger22 · 12/01/2017 11:01

Almost everyone judges single mums with multiple children from multiple fathers as being the lowest of the low.

I'm a single mum with one child and I hear people talking about it often. That judgment (plus the way men behave) was enough for me to completely avoid ever getting into another relationship ever again.

DaftJelly · 12/01/2017 11:04

I've got three by three. Similar to you, my eldest was when I was young, from a ONS. My middle child was planned within a marriage that ended soon after she was born. Seven years later DH and I had my youngest, he has PR for the older two and we're all very happy.

I'm quite open about it but people always assume we're a nuclear family as all three look like me (and weirdly, they all look like DH!).

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 11:07

Lol jelly all 4 are dark like me! Changer do you really plan not to have another relationship?

OP posts:
Freedom2017 · 12/01/2017 11:09

For me it's the logistics I can't get my head round. It's difficult enough arranging contact with one ex and two children, the child maintenance, the parents evenings, activities , birthdays etc. I don't know how people manage and organise all that. Are you saying two of the fathers are off the scene?

I saw a male friend recently in his car on a Friday evening with one child from his last ex, one child from a previous ex and one child from his last ex that's not his. He is now married with a stepchild. Life is complicated enough.

In your case I think you just say you have three children and when you get to know them you can mention your past relationships. If it's the kind of guy who is interested when you have three children including a two year old I would imagine they wouldn't mind if they liked you.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 11:09

Looking back I was feckless when I was younger really but I don't regret any one of my children. I just hope if and when I meet someone they're mature enough to cope with that.

OP posts:
2014newme · 12/01/2017 11:11

I think it would be a barrier for a lot of people yes. Sorry.

LaPharisienne · 12/01/2017 11:11

I suspect someone who looks down their nose at your life is not the right person for you, though I appreciate it's easier said than done and also that no one is immune to worrying about what their family/ friends will think even if they love you and don't give a rats arse about how your children came to be.

I guess the advice to let them get to know you well first is good, though I would struggle to not mention my children.

Good luck! The more the merrier where children are concerned in my opinion and I'm sure there are plenty of lovely chaps who think the same.

:)

PleaseStopTalkingAtMe · 12/01/2017 11:11

No judgement from me. Although I do baulk a bit at the idea of having permanent ties to that many exes! But maybe your exes aren't as twatty as mine.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 11:12

Freedom my eldest two fathers have been off the scene for years and won't come back. My ex husband and I parent the four of them together and I only work 2 days so it's easier x

OP posts:
LaPharisienne · 12/01/2017 11:12

Watch Romuald and Juliette - wonderful French film about someone who has a lot more children than you by many more fathers. Very romantic.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 11:17

I'll try to find that film thanks x
Let's hope people are as nice as you on this thread! X

OP posts:
Cloudylemons · 12/01/2017 11:20

I have multiple children from one marriage. People, including my mother, used to say that I'd never find anyone interested in me again, because of my very large family. However I did find someone, the love of my life. He loved me despite having to take on a tribe!! So I'd say don't be discouraged, there are negative attitudes wherever you go, you just have to see beyond them.

MusicToMyEars800 · 12/01/2017 11:26

Reading that back it sounds bad doesn't it? I don't think that sounds bad, we are all a bit silly when we are younger and don't always make the right choices, your 2nd you thought it was a relationship for keeps but it didn't work out and that happens sometimes and unfortunately your marriage didn't work out. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, it's not like you've had a string of one night stands that have resulted in children.

MusicToMyEars800 · 12/01/2017 11:26

were younger not are

DixieNormas · 12/01/2017 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InfoFreako · 12/01/2017 11:34

I guess some men would be put off by children from multiple partners (single, educated men more so) but if they're not not your type then all should be ok!

Would it help to maybe take a break from dating and spend some time thinking about the kind of long-term relationship you'd like?

I hope everything works out for you.

Cheers.

kel12345 · 12/01/2017 11:37

My mum has 3 children, 10 years between each of us. We all have different dads. 2 were from long term marriages and 1 was a long term relationship.

pipsqueak25 · 12/01/2017 11:42

personally i wouldn't want several fathers for several dc because it means there is a link with them either if it is genetic, the kids might be treated differently by their dads and if they are not helping to finance them that would be awkward, contact with fathers etc.
i know marriages/relationships break up and there is always the contact financial thing but it becomes more complicated the more people involved.
but pulling up the judgy pants i would have never gotten involved with a man who had several kids with different women either.

cookiecooks · 12/01/2017 11:45

No it doesn't matter.

I've got two children each from different marriages.

Divorcing now and if I meet another man and have another child, so what?

DorcasthePuffin · 12/01/2017 11:46

There's a lot of blended families in my extended family - in fact, it's the nuclear ones that are vanishingly rare. (My mum has 19 half-siblings by 9 different parents!).

So I'm probably coming from a different place than most, but no I wouldn't judge you. I do judge women who manage that badly, exposing their kids to a carousel of rapidly-changing 'dads' - but that is different. My brother, for example, is stepfather to 2 (with 2 involved dads) plus his own, and they are a lovely and loving stable family.

WannaBe · 12/01/2017 11:46

I think that separated families with step siblings etc are complicated and difficult enough to navigate when there's only one other parent in the equation. The thought of there possibly being three ex's on the scene with their own multiple step children and biological children is IMO something which would put a lot of people off Have a look at the step parenting boards and read about how difficult some of the step parents find it when the ex is making demands, then add another couple of ex's into that equation and it's a recipe which would send a lot of people running for the hills. And FWIW I take the same view whether it would be a man or a woman.

Equally however there are people who wouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who had multiple children from one marriage.

TBH I don't find either view judgemental. It's far better that people put their cards on the table at the beginning of a relationship so that no-one is under any illusions.

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