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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
Cakingbad · 12/01/2017 12:35

Lorelei - are you Barbara Taylor Bradford?

Lorelei76 · 12/01/2017 12:36

Caking - I wish Grin

ShatnersWig · 12/01/2017 12:36

I think I tend to agree with mini when she said: "Hmm, if I was a man I'd view the woman with four children with three different dads as someone who's either a poor judge of character, or someone who takes having children quite casually, or both, and that would worry me."

But then I do find it odd that some people seem to have a need to have children with every partner they have. That's my wiring though, I am sure. I know someone who is 36, is on marriage number 3 and has had 2 children with each husband. I just don't get it.

Ohdearducks · 12/01/2017 12:36

I have 3 by two, I tend to not have a very nice opinion of people who judge me for it.
I think the judgement comes not from the different dad's as such but from people's realisation that we've had the wanton hussery to have had sex with more than one man, the whores that we are!😂
I think it's a throwback to times when women were not allowed to have more than one partner or have sex outside marriage so quite sexist actually, whereas men with children by different women are seen by some as a bit of a rogue or even congratulated on their virility.
If someone judges you they're not worth it I'm my opinion, you don't have to justify your children or exes to anyone.

HollyMay84 · 12/01/2017 12:39

I had 1 when I was very young, was long term relationship (feels weird calling it at the age I was lol) then I met someone else got married and had 2 more. Married/together nearly 10 years. Anyway, divorced from him and now ttc with dp who I've been with for nearly 6yrs. So all being well with ttc, I will have 4 by 3... I really couldn't give a damn what other people think to my situation. I've always thought that as long as the dc are happy healthy and well cared for then what's the problem?

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 12:40

I'm the same holly. Hope ttc works out for you x

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 12/01/2017 12:41

I would think you'd had sex with at least 3 men; as you are in your late 20s I would expect most men you meet to have had sex with at least 3 women!

I might find it harder to cope with an ex who lived 5 doors away though!

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 12:42

Helen I'm 32 now and yes I have had sex with a lot more than three men but show me someone my age who hasn't

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 12/01/2017 12:44

Exactly! Sorry, op, I meant that flippantly - of course most of us aged 30+ have had at least that many sexual partners - hence, I don't see it as something to get judgey on!

Smile
HollyMay84 · 12/01/2017 12:44

Thanks busy Smile

Only1scoop · 12/01/2017 12:44

How is the dating when you have time going so far Op? Are you OLD?

If I'm perfectly honest it would put me off if it were the other way around, and I met a man in this position....not so much the 3 dads bit but logistically having four DC....

Wish you luck though.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/01/2017 12:45

I think it's a throwback to times when women were not allowed to have more than one partner or have sex outside marriage so quite sexist actually, whereas men with children by different women are seen by some as a bit of a rogue or even congratulated on their virility.

Have you ever actually met someone who expressed admiration for a father having lots of children by different women? Confused

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 12:47

Scoop dating is going ok but not great. I think I'm not really putting too much effort in if I'm honest.

OP posts:
SVJAA · 12/01/2017 12:47

My mother has been my harshest critic. DS1 is my XH and I left him when he battered me in front of DS. On my own for several years and then met DP, we've gone on to have DD and DS2. He's raised DS1 as his own since we moved in together and doesn't treat him any differently. The only person who has commented negatively about the biological origin of my kids is my mum.

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2017 12:48

For me it isn't about number of sexual partners. I've had way, way more than three partners in my life. It's about choosing to have kids with them.

I've had a termination in the past, I've had many a fly by night boyfriend and many one night stands.

But I have one child, by choice.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/01/2017 12:51

For me it isn't about number of sexual partners. I've had way, way more than three partners in my life. It's about choosing to have kids with them.

Of course. It's probably more palatable to assume that all the judgy people are sexist or a fundamentalist Christian, though.

HelenDenver · 12/01/2017 12:53

Um, nope. Not assuming Morris is sexist, if that was directed at me. Just saying that's how I see it.

BroomstickOfLove · 12/01/2017 12:56

If you were someone I knew as a friend and fell in love with, I wouldn't care. If, in the other hand, you were someone who I was meeting in a dating context, I would consider you a risky person to get involved with, and would probably choose not to get involved.

In the same way that I would have reservations about dating a man with three ex-wives, or children by several other women, or who had left his wife for another woman, or who had radically different views on politics, religion, money, family life, smoking/drugs/alcohol, or how to spend leisure time and holidays.

I wouldn't think that someone who spent all his free time planning or going on mountaineering trips was a bad person, but I don't think that they would be the right person for me.

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2017 12:59

Exactly, broomstick. Why start a relationship with someone whose views, interests or lifestyle is at odds with your own.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 13:02

I do worry I'm going to be seen as easy and be shown a lack of respect by men really

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 12/01/2017 13:05

Being seen as easy would be manifestly unfair!

You may well find that a man doesn't want to date someone with four kids or be in a blended household with six kids, two of his own. I think that's a bigger issue than how many fathers were involved.

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2017 13:09

The concept of 'easy' is ghastly.

You'll most likely have the opposite problem. To most adults, life with four kids looks hard, not easy.

Lunar1 · 12/01/2017 13:12

Just tell them, it either bothers them or it doesn't and any potential partner has the right to make choices about a relationship without being demonised.

I wouldn't judge someone in your situation but I wouldn't date them either. If I were to split up with dh there would be no step/half parents/siblings from my side. I was part of a blended family and it was a miserable way to grow up, I wouldn't wish it for my children. It's not about prejudice but personal choice.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 13:12

I mean in a sex way zap

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 12/01/2017 13:14

I know you meant a sex way. No decent man thinks of women like that, and if he does he's a hypocrite if he shags them.

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