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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
Busybeesmum · 18/01/2017 23:59

I am on the pill and will keep on taking it. He has agreed to hold off getting the snip for a year then we'll re evaluate

Pluto30 · 19/01/2017 00:16

I'm sure within 3 months there'll be another thread on here, titled something like "I'm newly pregnant but already want a 6th baby, AIBU?!"

Pallisers · 19/01/2017 02:16

OP you said I was rude to you when I said you were behaving like a teenager.

You divorced your husband and now you are whispering in the kitchen with him - first of all you weren't sure if he really was interested because you were interrupted by the kids - but now he did say he is interested but he has to get rid of his current girlfriend and you have to get off those dating sites - but still you are all serious about getting together again.

Do you think you are down the youth club with a boyfriend? Because that is what it sounds like to me.

Do you think the divorce will have had no effect on your children? Did you ever have a serious grown up conversation with your ex while you were actually married and supposed to be acting like grown ups about how all of this would affect your children?

Do you have any idea how adults behave in normal stable relationships? I think not. And I am sorry about that for you. Bet your ex/current/whatever has his issues in his past too,
.

Busybeesmum · 19/01/2017 06:23

Palliser hes the most issue free stable person ive ever met.

Bant · 19/01/2017 07:07

Well that's good, because from the sound of it you've got enough issues for the both of you.

So, seriously. A year from no (if you haven't accidentally forgotten a few pills, and got pregnant) and he decides that four kids is enough and he wants the snip..

Will you split up with him again? Knowing it would destroy your children?

How about you get a coil or something, rather than use the pill?

Personally, I wouldn't trust you to take them, if I was in his position.

SheldonCRules · 19/01/2017 07:28

So you put the kids through a divorce but now you are going to try again? It really is all about you isn't it.

They likely already feel lots of emotions that once they are past the baby stage you have the urge to replace them with another baby, it comes across very clearly on here so would be even more obvious in real life.

He must be daft and very naive, how can you trust a person who has already admitted getting pregnant twice without the mans agreement and knowing you left him to have more children when he dared say no more.

Mrswinkler · 19/01/2017 07:49

I'm amazed at such narrow minded views on this subject possibly more so than any other post I've read on Mumsnet (daily washing of bed sheets excepted....)

For some people the death do us part monogamous relationship works but I'd say the expectation that this is the goal for most people causes huge amounts of problems in our society which takes a massive toll on the mental health of ourselves and our kids.

OP we'll done for maintaining a good relationship with your ex. No future partner should be threatened by that but encouraged by the fact you are able to maintain healthy positive relationships with people. And to the women that think it's weird it's so not. Just because you are not having sex someone with doesn't mean you can't be friends. If they're an arse, fair enough but you chose to have a relationship with them in the first place so it reflects back on you.

OP when you've waded through the multitude of narrow minds that people think you are going encounter I reckon you are going to find an absolute star out there. Good luck and enjoy the dating!

Busybeesmum · 19/01/2017 07:54

Bant i want to stay on the pill as it suits me and i have no ill effects. No sheldon its not all about me and i dont replace babies either. My husband wants things to be different this time he doesnt work away as much. He also wants us to have more child free time together to reconnect. I do have issues because i struggle to leave my kids and i hate being without them. He is aware of this so were going to start small then build up the time were away from them.

Carnabyqueen · 19/01/2017 07:55

I agree you sound like a fickle teenager. A day or two ago you wanted a new man, with money and to have more kids with him. Today you're back with your ex and his girlfriend is dumped (poor cow for getting involved in the first place.). Your children will be as confused as hell over it all. Agree with Bant. Someone with such a massive obsession with breeding will either be accidently pregnant within the year or single again. Sort yourself out you silly woman!

Beebeeeight · 19/01/2017 08:22

Basically you've realised that your chances of having another DC is higher with ex than with a new man.

Sigh.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2017 08:25

MrsWinkler did you actually read the thread? Hmm

Narrow minded views? What, to think the OP has screwed her children around all in the name of having another baby? And lets not forget the two men she got pregnant with against their consent and permission!

If you are going to accuse people of being narrow minded can you at least read the thread first?

Those poor kids OP, no stability is there? Thinking of a new man to get you pregnant, back with your husband, split up again if he doesn't change his mind.

I am not even sure if this is true, I didn't think it was possible for someone to have no self-awareness. I have noticed OP that you haven't commented on your confession about getting pregnant by two men without their consent, whatever that actually means.

This isn't a game. This is other people's lives.

Carnabyqueen · 19/01/2017 08:29

You've not mentioned the fact you're still in love with your ex either. I think I agree with PP. You hope to persuade or trick the poor sap into fathering child number 5 and 6. No self awareness or any hint of maturity at all. Pure selfishness. You've been advised to seek some kind of help or therapy and you've ignored and dismissed it every time.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/01/2017 08:42

He also wants us to have more child free time together to reconnect.

Sounds like a perfect way to mend a fragile marriage. Hmm

MuseumOfCurry · 19/01/2017 08:47

Sorry OP - I totally misread your last post as having 'one more child together'.

DowhatIwanttodo · 19/01/2017 08:53

He wants more child free time? How realistic is that when you have four children including a 2 year old? Where are the dc when you are 'reconnecting?'

I would also take that to mean he could not cope with a fifth child.

Busybeesmum · 19/01/2017 08:57

I do have self awareness. He wants more child free time so we can reconnect. My mil supports and will look after the kids occasionally. My husband wants us to go out together one evening a month so its not alot of time without kids. I know i have issues aswell

TheNaze73 · 19/01/2017 09:28

So you have a husband as well as an ex, you're divorced from? So confused Confused

Busybeesmum · 19/01/2017 09:38

Well now were back together ill refer to him as my husband thats not confusing

TheNaze73 · 19/01/2017 10:28

But, you're divorced???

Busybeesmum · 19/01/2017 10:33

We are divorced yed

stitchglitched · 19/01/2017 10:42

Does your exh know that you tricked 2 other men? He'd be nuts to rely on you taking the pill frankly.

TheNaze73 · 19/01/2017 10:59

busy I'm going to have to exit the thread, as it feels wrong, in so many ways. Good luck, look after your children & yourself & just treat everyone else impacted with the respect you would want.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/01/2017 11:10

I agree with Naze that this thread has been unusually worrying, I have found myself thinking of you IRL quite a bit over the past several days Busy.

I really hope that you can find someone to talk about this. I have a 14 year old son (and I swear just yesterday he was 10) and his ability to deconstruct my parenting failures can be incredibly cutting. You will be sick with despair and regret if you continue this path.

And with this, I am off the thread as well. I wish you all the best.

Kidnapped · 19/01/2017 11:42

If you do get back together (and it seems quite convenient that this has happened within a week of you starting this thread), then make damn sure that you are on the mortgage this time.

That should be your priority.

You seem to have resolved none of the issues that caused you to split the last time so doing the same thing again the same way could well result in yet another split in a year or so. And this time he might decide he wants his house back.

Busybeesmum · 19/01/2017 12:01

Kidnapped getting back together has been on the cards since Xmas. I have listened to everything on this thread despite the abuse i am thankful for the viewpoints.