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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 20:12

Well with 4 children I have to be reliant on my ex for money. It's just the same as a family needing 2 wages so I don't see the logic.

OP posts:
BumDNC · 12/01/2017 20:13

As I say this BF is stil pretty much supporting his ex financially (not my business we don't live together and it's his money) but the only way she can stop getting his help is to find a new man to take over the finances. Pressure all round!

Mrsjudelaw66 · 12/01/2017 20:17

I'd be put off. Sorry but I'd think you were a bit dreamy, flaky and possibly more interested in a meal ticket and someone to provide you with more kids.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 20:18

I do want more kids one day Jude but I wouldn't want a meal ticket and it's sad people think that

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Holowiwi · 12/01/2017 20:22

I would be put off, firstly that's potentially 3 different men in and out of our lives (I know you said 2 are no longer interested) And what if I wanted to have a child then that would be 4 x 4 Grin.

BumDNC · 12/01/2017 20:22

Thing is, it is kind of the way it is. You can't support yourself financially at the moment so any potential new partner would live separately unless willing to take over all finances for all 5 of you? I mean with maintence for the kids from exH.

I don't know your circumstances. My ex pays basic maintence but we don't have 2 wages coming in as we aren't a family now and he has a new family

Holowiwi · 12/01/2017 20:23

People judge for all sorts of reasons and a lot of them are silly reasons to judge people on as well so no one is innocent of this.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 20:25

My ex pays the mortgage and pays maintenance for the 4 of them. If I did meet someone it'll be a while before it's serious anyway so we'd cross that bridge at the time.

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MauiPooTroll · 12/01/2017 20:25

Some people with kids by different fathers are bad mothers. Some aren't. But people who judge other people are always bad people.

Twogoats · 12/01/2017 20:43

Wow, your ex sounds fab op!

BumDNC · 12/01/2017 20:53

He does sound lovely.
I think you would also be very lucky to meet a new guy to take it all on and have 2 more kids.
IMO I think you should enjoy the life you already have, work hard to support yourself and don't focus on expanding just making life great for you all. If someone lovely comes along then so be it.

ScuttlbuttHarpy · 12/01/2017 20:57

The way I see it is if he's going to judge you for it, he's not the right one.

MargeryFenworthy · 12/01/2017 21:15

And you want more children? Then yes, I'm afraid to say that I agree with the previous poster who said that they'd think 'irresponsible'.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 21:21

Yes marg in an ideal world I would like more kids. I'm very happy with the 4 I have but I would like more. I don't think it's irresponsible to want more but obviously If the opportunity arose it would have to be carefully planned. I just feel like I'm not done having kids

OP posts:
parrots · 12/01/2017 21:21

I imagine the maintenance from ex may be reduced if he becomes committed to someone else and starts a new family?

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 21:23

My ex doesn't want anymore kids parrot he's quite sure of that

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parrots · 12/01/2017 21:27

All the same I would feel very vulnerable if I was relying on a former partner to support me and two children which aren't is - he is only obliged to support his own children. People and circumstances change and you may find yourself in a tricky position if he enters into a new relationship with new financial priorities

Celaena · 12/01/2017 21:27

to be 100% honest, my first reaction to someone who say they have DC by difference fathers/mothers is to be totally judgey, but then when i think about it, i'm ok with it.

so long as (in my judgey head) they were in stable relationships and not just shagging around without birth control, then why not

(i know this is VERY judgey)

BumDNC · 12/01/2017 21:27

I agree. I think financial stability on your own should be your top priority

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 21:28

Fair enough parrot but he sees the four as his hence feels a obligation to provide for them.

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Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 21:29

And how am I going to be financially independent with four kids? I work but can't work full time. My ex is happy to support

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HelenDenver · 12/01/2017 21:31

Your ex should always pay maintenance for his biological kids and hopefully will always pay for the other two also.

But this may change if you were sharing a house with someone else or he wanted a bigger house, change of job etc.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 21:33

It may change but I'll worry about that if it comes

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Imfree · 12/01/2017 21:34

If you want two more children, would you be prepared for that to be with two different men?

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 21:35

No imfree I'd want to be in a long term relationship to have the children in

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