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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

913 replies

Lilacpink40 · 13/12/2016 21:15

Hi all

OP posts:

2012PP · 13/12/2016 21:19

Thanks LILAC

Natsku · 13/12/2016 21:30

Thanks Lilac

I record all my calls. Just listened back to it and he said to my OH that he's going to come round with his friends and beat OH so hard that he'll never be able to walk again. I'm calling DD's social workers tomorrow and telling them about this.
We're still waiting for the appeal court and my lawyer has no idea when its going to be. I think I'll email her now and tell her about this threat as well.

Natsku · 13/12/2016 21:30

And of course this just had to happen on a night when we have no wine in the house!

greencarbluecar · 13/12/2016 21:36

All help yourselves from the WN survival bar

Natsku · 13/12/2016 21:39

Now that sounds like an excellent bar

greencarbluecar · 13/12/2016 21:41

Oh Nat cross posted with you there. Virtual wine won't do the same. At least you have evidence of his behaviour, it won't do him any favours.

Mine is so entitled that he thinks the law should support him in his control of me. I think there is more going on with your ex though?

PurpleThursday · 13/12/2016 21:43

Checking in all round (this is becoming a habit )

greencarbluecar · 13/12/2016 21:44

I'd like to open such a bar. In ideal fantasy land it would be free, funded by WNs via maintenance top up (because in ideal fantasy land the fuckers would actually pay it, and a decent amount) and we could all have space to support each other. Skype panels as standard for those not there in person, and copious supplies of complimentary NarcAway products.

(In actually reality I quite like the idea of a little cafe serving the above plus tea and sympathy for those moments when no one in RL gets it)

PurpleThursday · 13/12/2016 21:44

Oooh, we've moved to divorce/separation! Promotion?

Natsku · 13/12/2016 21:47

Mine is really ill with delusional disorder, although according to him I'm the one with delusional disorder, and I also have compulsive lying disorder and I'm just threatened by his amazingness He showed how much of a misogynist he is though as well - when I said its impossible for anyone to get a word in edgewise with him he said "that's how men talk, women just need to stay out of the way" and while he was threatening my OH he kept calling him a "woman" in a derogatory manner and "fucking gay" and things like that. I feel so so sorry for DD that her dad has such disgusting views, I'm going to be spending her childhood trying to counteract any influence he has on her :(

Natsku · 13/12/2016 21:48

Oooo promoted thread!

Ohb0llocks · 13/12/2016 22:14

Checking in! all round. There's some utter twats in the world.

Original poster

Lilacpink40 · 13/12/2016 22:42

Oops I was worried final page would fill so stuck new thread it in 'divorce/separation' as thought it was probably that before, couldn't remember. Will MN ask for it to be moved do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilacpink40 · 13/12/2016 22:47

Nat I was shocked by he said to my OH that he's going to come round with his friends and beat OH so hard that he'll never be able to walk again it's such a clear threat of GBH. Will you take it to police or social workers will do that?

OP posts:

nicenewdusters · 13/12/2016 22:52

Thanks Lilac Didn't even know there was a topic called Divorce/Separation ! It feels more grown up - can we still swear and use the term WN? Did MNHQ move us here?

Can I open a tab at the bar Greencar? I don't drink much these days, but the cake and chocolate look good.

I wish you never had to speak to him Nats, nobody should be subjected to that kind of offensive rubbish.

nicenewdusters · 13/12/2016 22:54

Lilac shall we ask for it to be moved back to Relationships, to make sure the others can find us again?

Original poster

Lilacpink40 · 13/12/2016 22:56

Yes - dusters do you know to request a move? If not I'll investigate...

OP posts:

PurpleThursday · 13/12/2016 23:06

I'm not bothered where it is! I'm sure we keep popping up on 'active' anyway, and it's linked on the other thread anyway. Don't worry lilac have a I am

nicenewdusters · 13/12/2016 23:11

I'm sorry I don't know Lilac. Purple is right that it's often on "active" and linked from the last thread. Was thinking more about the less regular posters who will search for it under Relationships if it's not on active.

Original poster

Lilacpink40 · 13/12/2016 23:14

I've had a look and quick advice in similar situation was to report it. So I've reported myself and very nicely asked if it can be shifted across .

Temped by but this time of night I have sweet craving for hot

OP posts:

PurpleThursday · 13/12/2016 23:19

Ooooh, I used to LOVE hot with a dash of rum ( I am aware that I am starting to sound like an alcoholic here but please don't worry!!)

greencarbluecar · 14/12/2016 07:26

dusters you can open a tab at the bar, of course. Run it high, and then (in fantasy land) WNs will have to foot the bill. Compensation for what they put us through.

I tried to add lots of tea but the pictures didn't work must've done it wrong.

lilac you've made me realise I wasn't shocked by what Nat's ex said, just wearily sympathetic. I've normalised that kind of language, which is terrible. Nat I should have realised it needed to be said.

Original poster

Lilacpink40 · 14/12/2016 07:51

Green I may have noticed it more as my WN was very good at aggressive body language. Storming around, dark 'I want to kill you' looks, talking as though furious but not usually saying obvious words that could catch him out.

After split,,when he actually said something that matched his actions he would quickly go quiet and go back to acting like his actions were right and I was the one with the problem. Even telling me that I was always saying negative things to his family (I don't and don't have contact) that I was always posting on FB about him (I'm hardly on it and no posts on him since split) and that I was trying to hold his life back (by asking if I could have weekend contact times agreed in advance).

OP posts:

Natsku · 14/12/2016 08:07

I emailed my lawyer and she wants me and OH to go to her office sometime soon. Have sent a message to DD's social workers too to ask them to call me when they have a spare moment. I think OH will be reporting it to the police but will probably wait until after we've spoken to my lawyer as she would know the best way to go about this. Listened to the call again and remember that it was just the same way he would shout at me whenever he was angry at me, just constantly shouting and telling me to shut my fucking mouth whenever I tried to say anything.

Shall have to open a tab at the WN survival bar.

greencarbluecar · 14/12/2016 08:28

lilac mine does that too. He and whoever he reined in to back up him used to be more explicit, now he's careful how far he goes too. I've just seen that more clearly. I think he's definitely got better at the veiled, hard to pin down abuse over time.

I also get accused of the most implausible things, and things that he himself actually does, it'd be funny if it wasn't RL that we have to live.

Same old story, isn't it? They're all the same. I find it so helpful to hear everyone describing theirs, those mini light bulb moments when you realise yours is just the same and someone else has put it into words.

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