Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

NAT : what an utter nutjob w/n.
How horrible. I hope somethings bad happens to him ! That is just not on.

Yeah they are all the same aren't they? Narcissistic wankers. He actually told me I need to 'humble myself' on the phone last night - I couldn't help myself, I burst out laughing which made him even more mad but it was just so ridiculous - a narcissist telling someone else that they need to be humble!

Nats my WN is the same, loves to threaten my partner.

That sucks Ohb I guess it must be jealousy.

Hi everyone, checking in. to all. Sympathy and copious amounts of alcohol (especially as I can't drink!) to those having difficulties with WN's.
SF done his usual and gone silent again thank fuck! Our custody arrangements are court ordered and won't change until hearing at the end of February so I can happily put the twat out of my mind and concentrate on the upcoming baby 😊 Only 5wks and 5days to go but who's counting? Lol
I've got a break now from DS2,3 & 4 until xmas day as SF has got them the first half of the hols but I'll have them from 1pm xmas day til 4th Jan, was the other way round last year.
Feeling a bit crap as I had flu and whooping cough jabs yesterday but sprog now measuring between 50th and 90th percentile so doing well and other than needing a mattress for the cotbed (he'll be sleeping in a baby box for the first 12weeks) I'm pretty much ready.

Chrystal glad to hear all things baby related are going well, happy waddling. Also that your WN is just quietly in the background. Hope it stays that way for as long as possible.

Nats I hope your lovely DD didn't take too long to get to sleep last night. What a horrible evening for you all. Are you feeling suitably "humble" this morning??!! What an absolute wanker. What does something like that even mean? Pleased to see your lawyer is on the case for you.

My parents went to see my sibling yesterday who went non-contact with them (and therefore me) a few months back. Apparently she acted like nothing had happened (that's her way) and now I guess we all play at being a family again. I'm pleased for my parents, they were really stressing about it, but her behaviour that lead to this was appalling. So no apology, no reference to messing our lives up for the last few months, nothing. What type of person does that remind me of? Oh yes, a WN.

I can't have - could use a glass (or bottle lol) dealing with ex. He's still disappeared, idiot.

I'm terrified of what he will do when he finds out I'm pg - when we split i had to promise him I'd never have another child (he's "allowed" to though as he's "probably going to have a younger gf and it wouldn't be fair" 😳)

You had to promise never to have another child?!?! That's another level kind of WNness!!

Glad your parents have contact with your sibling again dusters I reckon everyone has narcissistic tendencies (leftover from toddlerhood as all toddlers are narcissistic really) but most people suppress them because they developed empathy and other grown-up traits, but some, like WNs and your sibling, don't suppress them so well. That's my theory anyway.

Meeting with my lawyer tomorrow morning, still waiting for the social workers to call me back though, must be a busy day (run up to Christmas is probably a pretty busy time for them as Christmas-related stress must make things harder for clients and their families and suchlike, plus they go round visiting all the clients to give them Christmas presents - DD was given hers yesterday)

Hi Kate Do you know where your ex actually is? I can't remember the age of your dc, sorry, are they at school? If so, can you collect them from there? Apologies if this sounds really simplistic, it's hard to keep up with everyone's individual circumstances.

What do you think he will actually "do" when he finds out you're pg, apart from having a rant and being an arse? He sounds unhinged, asking/making you promise not to have any further dc. I assume your "promise" was part of your process of leaving and done to keep the peace.

Oh, he really was/is a whole different level of fucked up!

I literally have no idea where he is. He's not been to work or contacted us after blowing off a weekend with dd. She's 8.

I promised him just to apease him. He's physically violent which I think is my main concern but the police are very aware of him.

Thanks Nats Your theory about narcissism is interesting. She's older than me, and I often think never really recovered from my parents having other dc ! All the time I was with twat I had the normal level of involvement with my parents. She's been a lone parent for years, and although makes great show of being independent, has really needed them. She now can't cope that they're more involved with my life. She started making nasty remarks about my dc, and is a terrible drinker, so I'll be keeping her at arms length. Overall it is a good thing though that we're all back in touch.

Hope something practical can be sorted with your lawyer tomorrow. I'm sure you're right about the stress levels soaring over xmas, hence social services being even busier.

He does sound off the scale Kate. How much does he usually see your dd? I can't believe with a history of violence, and being known to the police, he's allowed unsupervised contact. Surely his keeping her away from school is something which will go massively against him? Have you tried to stop contact before, are you going to again? (Sorry to sound like a quiz show!)

KATE: how often does he get to see dd???? it sounds very stressful for both you and dd. does she have to go??? i am not very clued up on this as it's very new situation (only 6 months). but I hope you are ok...?

NAT: good luck with your lawyer tomorrow. hope they can come up with something helpful.

He has her every other weekend at his mums (contact is supervised- the police are investigating him atm for a series of things against me).

Sorry for not being clear dd lives with me and is at schhol. They're bugger all help though (I'm a primary teacher and their attitude is not something I've encountered before, although exh had an affair
with one pf the TAs there. He slept with the social worker who was reporting for the court 😳).

I've tried to follow the court order but he flakes. He's taken her away without returning her TWICE already. I've put in another application to court to try and prevent him doing it but it will be next year

Thanks 2012.

She's getting to the point dd doesn't want to see him so I'm not going to force her. She's a smart cookie and is realising what he's like. I'm heartbroken for her though- I'm old and ugly enough to take his shit, she shouldn't have to.

Kate I hope you are ok, that sounds terrifying Have the police said anything about what they can do to help esp if your daughter might be in danger?

My twat of a WN got in touch, broke the silence, and told DDs he won't be seeing them till next year now. He asked to speak with DD1 and she refuses.

He has now text me to ask if she us upset about something - the first time he has ever ever done done this. Doesn't occur to him that they might be upset with him, or not want to speak with him.

I am not going to respond as any explanation I give will be held against DD. DD already said that he will quiz her afterwards about why she didn't speak to him and he remembers everything. Twat.

But it means a stress-free holiday hopefully. Oh and he has been emailing my sol to 'reject' the court dates for our final hearings in Jan as his barrister isn't free on those dates. She also thinks he is a twat, and a bully.

We had DDs Christmas Carol concert today, DDs 1 and 2 were both singing. I cried they were awesome

What a prat namechanger! They can't possibly imagine their behaviour itself is enough to change our children's minds anout them.

I have a victim support officer and the domestic abuse charity I've been working with has counselling for my dd. She can contact my victim support worker too (although ex threw out her phone last visit. She only has one on my barristers advice). I'm ok though, thank you for asking.

NAME - that is so cute about the carol concert -
Im going to miss my ds's 1st one/assembly,. It is right in the middle of his few days with X [sad[ I don't want to go along to the assembly, ds only see me there, not be able to come to me, then i go again and he has to go back to X's that day after school. i thought it was too unfair on ds. better that he just doesn't see me at all -
KATE - what an utter twat - how could the s/w sleep with him ???????
I can't believe he's allowed to see dd when he;s not returned her?
how the heck does that work? can't you refuse to let her go?
sorry for the million questions - i'm in shock really...
I'm also scared of this happening if i have to let my ds go with X to visit abroad.
I'm trying not to worry about it yet, as it hasn't happened, but I'm going over and over in my head - what if X doesn't return ds? It's always a fear.

He did take her to France with his family this year and returned her - he wouldn't have dared not to. You can refuse to permit holidays abroad though and it would require a court direction to take children out of the country if you refuse.

I have to get the court to vary our order. He behaved for a few months before the last hearing so he would have access granted and has now been worse than ever. He has an excuse for everything and, typical narc, charms peole.

Social worker was fired. He stopped contact with her when he realised she couldn't help him. Utterly stupid cow.

I swear Jeremy Kyle would have a field day with the situation!

Dd is ok though. She's just a miracle given what he's utting her through.

Thanks KATE.
I think I am going to refuse the trip abroad- tho not sure if it's classed as a holiday, as ds would be going to visit / have contact with X ???
but for now, I thinK I have enough of a case to say no due to safety concerns - if X really wants ds, they will have to go to court...
glad the s/w was fired - typical of a w/n to ditch someone as soon as they are no good to them any more.
I worry about this with my X's new girlfriend. At the moment, all is sunny in w/n -land so new g/f is ok and bonding with ds... what happens when this g/f goes, ds misses her and another g/f / another one etc...

I've already had dd try to call one of his gfs mum 😳 Luckily dp was my best friend for years so she's ok with him but it was still 10 months before I introduced him as bf iykwim?

I imagine seeing him abroad will be the same principle as holiday. Because I have residency though I can take her abroad, for up to 28 days, without his permission. He can't, needs mine so I would definitely stick your ground on not visiting him. If he can prove, in court, he's not a risk then he can do it. Suspect he might not though, they hate things not being pn thrir terms!

Has ds mentioned his gf? It's difficult but it's one thing I have no control over. I just wish these men (or women) would put the kids first.

My fecking solicitor never ever phones me back. I've just phoned and said its completely unacceptable to have no updates since 7th Nov. Apparently it was just about ready for court then. No bills either so I suspect nothing being done.

Kate thanks so much for the info on victim support worker. I never had one of those and I want someone official involved in case he tries to take this to court.

DD is scared of him because she saw him be violent to me (strangling) but I was never offered a DV counsellor. How did you get yours?

I've recorded concerns about dd1 with the school so there is some official record of her being wary of him.

I called the police on him several times over the years but never pressed charges. I did and I was given my worker but I contacted a domestic abuse service myself and my domestic abuse worker is from there. She works with the police but is employed by the charity xx