Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

stoplaughing I'm lost for words and some very nice chocolates from the bar for you.

Mine is a dick. A complete dick. We knew that, but it still needs saying.

Morning all.
I need a bit of hand holding today ) cause Ds is spending the week with X . It's X's Christmas time with Ds!!!! Ds is at school until Wednesday . - then back home on Thursday lunchtime (so not really even a week!)
We are going to tell Ds about X leaving.
I am dreading having to be in the same room As X - I don't want to
Hear their crap and have to fend off all the shit they are going to say to
Ds but at least I can try to repair whatever rubbish they spout right at the start. X will have some Time to fill Ds head with whatever they want tho - ahhhhhh it's so unfair!

At least I'll have some time to read the thread .

Have a hand to hold from me 2012.

It would be difficult for you not having ds in the run up to xmas anyway. Add in the impending news that you know he's going to get, I can imagine just how stressful that will be. So, so glad you're going to be there when he/they tell him. It's the opposite of a WN's actions, they'd run away. You don't want to be in the same room as WN, but you'll do it to protect and support your ds.

I can imagine in years to come your ds will remember the day as very difficult, but his abiding memory will be you, being there for him, his constant, reliable lovely mum.

Hand hold from me too - and glad you're there for him as it will make a huge difference and will be something he'll remember. You're the safe parent, the one who is always there for him, that puts him first and is his primary source of comfort. Having you there will reassure him that things won't change for you two - and fuck WN quite frankly.

I (stupidly) let WN tell my DC and the abiding thing that DD (3.5 at the time) came away from it was Daddy didn't love her anymore . FFS - how hard is it to reassure them that it is not their fault. I can only imagine what he did, and didn't, say!

Good luck - you'll have him home before you know it too hopefully although we all know how hard that will be. Massive hugs x

thank you so so much LAUGHING & DUSTERS.
it was ok telling him. X was limp and pathetic and just said "oh I'm going to live in xyz after xmas" . ds just ok "ok - okay" ...he has NO concept of what that means.
I explained that it meant the he wouldn't see X at the house we were at now and ds said "good" !!!!
On my way out (ds was upstairs playing), I caught X out by saying...
"well, I hope she's worth it-leaving your ds and going to live with her in xyz?".
X nearly fainted - I really believe they had no idea that I know all about g/f and X's plans.... it was actually funny.
X started blurting on about being poor, not having enough work/money etc. here etc...I just reiterated about the facts are "you are leaving to go an live with your current g/f" -yes or no?
I also said a few other home truths in a matter of fact way -about visits, holidays - I was non-committal too - all in all, I came away feeling better.
One step closer to leaving ! Yay

Thanks for all the support dusters & name . greencar I've had Hypno Psychotherapy which has been amazing. Helps you go back to things that have happened and actually look at them properly as an adult rather than just remembering all the emotions and feeling helpless. You remember everything you say before you think of being hypnotised like in a stage show. It has helped me break the emotional connection to my WN so I no longer feel anything for him.

stoplaughing yes everything going to go through SHL now. Had enough of him trying to control me. Also did have a chat with police to tell them what's happened just in case so they know about the manipulation.

Sorry to hear about the crappy child maintenance. Wonder how many lies he told to get it assessed like that. Think they are all the same.

2012 have a hand hold from me too. Really difficult time for you but just think of the positives you will now be able to move in with your life without having to think of or see your WN for most of the year. Imagine how many posters on here wouldn't love to have that.

Been reading this thread but haven't posted yet. I share 50/50 custody with WN, were divorced now. It went okish for the first year but this year the Narc behaviour has been something else.

Do any of you provide time for the family of your ex? They're currently trying to manipulate me into giving them time with the kids, but i feel as we have 50/50 custody, that we shouldn't have to give up our time with the kids for grandparents or aunties/uncles on the other side. Having said that if it's a special occasion I'm more than happy to swap a day or time, but they're not even willing to do that.

ontheball yanbu to expect WN family time to come out of his 50%. Obviously, birthday parties that fall on your time would be the exception but if you are already willing to do that then I would suggest you just tell them that they need to talk to WN to organise things during his time. I think the more you give the more they will expect so it might get out of hand once they thought you would just give them part of your time too.

Thanks Red problem is they booked something in my time on his say so without asking me first and he is now adamant that he will not give me the time back, despite our parenting plan in mediation saying that we would discuss things like this and agree to make up the time, which i have happily done in the past. I now just say no to things with family if it doesn't fall on my time just to keep things as simple as possible.

Like you say, i feel if i back down, they will continue to keep doing this.

ontheball he is just being a typical controlling twt. I would tell rest of WN family that your not being awkward but as he has refused to make up time then in future they will have to arrange during his time or kids won't be going. Puts responsibility back on him for being a knb.

2012 I wish I had a banner and a flag to wave for you. Sounds like you handled the chat with your ex brilliantly. Fantastic that you showed up his lies for what they were and told him a few home truths. Still sad for your ds, but it sounds like he'll be just fine - and you'll be largely free of the WN

Red that Hypno Psychotherapy sounds amazing.

Ontheball Completely agree with Red about ex's family time with your dc. They see their son's dc on their son's time. I also agree about telling them that he is unwilling to make up time. If in future he books things on your time without asking, and you don't want to cancel because it's in the dc's interest to go, I'd be tempted to withhold the next contact time they have with him. You can tell him that as he gave you no choice, and won't be making up the time, you're giving him no choice and taking the time back.

Ontheball I facilitate all exs family's contact with DS as his dad doesn't see him at the moment. Did anyway even when he did as he doesn't bother with the majority of his family

Yes dusters the Hypno Psychotherapy has been incredible can't tell you all how much it has helped. Can't say too much about my situation as it is too revealing if anyone I know follows this link but I have had to put up with serious EA for so many years and I truly believe WN has lost the plot completely. Has told blatant lies about me in front of me to our children, said I'd hit him etc etc all I'm asking is for him to do what we need to do and he is acting like I'm being vindictive and just refusing to let him have what he wants out of spite. Couldn't give less of a sh*t what he does just have to make sure that me and my girls don't get screwed so that he and OW can skip off into the sunset with the results of almost 3 decades of my hard work.

I made the mistake of actually emailing his mother to ask for the time back as knew I would get no where with ex, he has been trying to create trouble for me recently so wanted to avoid speaking with him.

She agreed to ask him for the time back. I heard nothing for a few weeks so emailed to ask what was happening. I was told she wasn't going to ask and I should just hand the time over. (it's not the first time I've given her time with the children but it's only ever been a couple of hours where as what's she's asking for now is an all day event) I politely explained that we had agreed in the parenting agreement to make up time. To which I got a response back from her saying "she would tell the children that they were going to take them out but because I asked for my time back that it was my fault they couldn't go.

Unfortunately I think his mother is a narc to so I am dealing with two controlling bullies now.

Yes, I'm afraid.it does sound like you are. Stick to your agreement then and sit the children down and explain why they can't go but that you will do something with them instead (arrange a play date with a friend or go to the park or whatever they would like depending on their ages). It is black,ail plain and simple.

Ontheball I agree with red they should stick with the agreement. When I read WN DM's response it made me feel so as it's just like my exMIL, who is def a narc.

Can you email WN and copy his DM in, reconfirming the agreement?
Perhaps saying that, if in the future you ask for extra time, that you would then balance this out as per agreement. So that you think this now reconfirms that the agreement works on both sides and you will await a reply that conforms to the agreement.

If you tell DCs that you are being fair and following an agreement (like following a promise) so he should follow it, they will understand?

2012 it's brilliant you caught your WN out of his comfort zone. Great to catch deceivers out, all that crap about 'poor him' when he has GF and new life planned. You've made him face truth and WN struggle with that!

Ohb is your WN still quiet and may have crawled away again hopefully for longterm?

Dusters have you sent a Christmas card to Mr H-J or going to wait until after Christmas to see if anything arises?

I have now met the man I'm seeing's DCs, and still no WN tendencies. His job may make him go to another office hours away though so other pressures on us. My WN has started to ask questions about him, but not had any feedback yet I'll have the joy of waiting for that later.

Thanks RED - yes I totally agree about moving on & hope that ds & I can.
DUSTERS. Thank you for the banner. I was very chuffed & I'm sure ds is not going to miss X much & will thrive away from most of X's w/n influences.
At least I can dream. I really don't know if X will make it that easy. Probably not as w/n never do. For now I'll enjoy the thought that they are actually going away!
Hope everyone else is okay today? And that all/any hand overs go smoothly

Thanks LILAC. It is one of the few times I have actually seen X completely & utterly stuck for words and - even better- totally unable to talk / explain their way out of it. Wish I could bottle that.
That's good news with new man no w/n tendencies . Long may it continue

2012 bottle it up in your mind and remember it if he tries to manipulate you in the future like a 'force field' from WN mind games.

I've had a few moments that I keep in my mind when I doubt myself. Moments like WN face when he tried one of tricks to make me feel small and it didn't work as counselling has resolved one of my fears (he used to suggest I was mentally ill and I had been scared he was right and I wasn't seeing things clearly, but I'm fine).

Thanks for your support Red and Lilac i will email them both and see what happens. My two are in primary school so not sure they would understand. But oldest is aware that they are both controlling as has mentioned it a few times to me.

Lilac WN went round telling everyone i am mentally ill, at first i also wondered if it was true but thankfully as time has gone on i can see it was just him projecting his personality disorder onto me.

Oh yes I was "crazy" too.

WN is openly bullying me now. Trying to stay strong but it's hard, I wish I could curl up and sleep and wake up to find he's just gone away.

to all, I'm too exhausted with it all to post objective thoughts for anyone but I am reading along and thinking of you all.

green it is so frustrating that they get away with this kind of behaviour.

All we can do is politley stick up for ourselves and hope they take there crazy behaviour elsewhere eventually

We're all crazy, don't ya know So predictable.

Green - sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Hopefully this storm will pass and you'll get some peace but it's so hard to weather it. I guess the bullying worked for such a long time that they just can't grasp that actually, that's not how decent people behave or speak to one another and you won't stand for it anymore. I hope you feel better soon

OnTheBall - good luck with it all.. so sad when the scales start to fall like for your eldest. Hope they're ok - I'm quite worried about DD who is the older... she adores her dad but she's slowly seeing that he doesn't treat me well for no reason other than he can. She still defends him though but I try to avoid discussing WN at all as our home is our place and he doesn't deserve even thinking space there.

Lilac - sounds like it's going really well, yay!

Lazy day here I think - cold and miserable outside so why venture out there!

GREEN : chocolate, , ice cream, biscuits et all . I am so that you have been made to feel that way .
You are NOT crazy. It's such a w/n underhand way of desperately trying to keep control...

My X used to tell me things, then when/if I brought it up in conversation (usually in company), they would totally deny any knowledge of our previous conversation- leaving me to look like an idiot either trying to convince X or mumble somethings like "oh I must have got it wrong/confused " when I knew that we had definitely had that conversation.
And apparently I used to "move" or "steal" X's things when they couldn't find it!
X would make arrangements, then change then without telling me, then say that they had told me about it & I must have forgotten! DOH.
the list is endless .