Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

2012 I experienced something similar, my keys, bank cards or glasses would go missing, I'd look everywhere for them but he would always find them for me in minutes, funnily enough since the split i have not had trouble finding these items at all.

Thank you real rollercoaster of emotions today. I need a hug, and once upon a long time ago I'd have gone to him for that. How things change.

Hope all is as quiet and calm as it can be for everyone in the coming week.

GREEN - here's your hug [hug] sorry it's been a rough day

Hi all, and sorry it's tough at the moment Greencar.

Good weekend here followed by tears and upset this evening. My dc told me last week that dad had said he would stop seeing them during the week if they kept arguing ! I told them he was completely out or order, etc, but that they really needed to get to grips with their arguing. Dd called tonight, can I collect them early as ds is crying, they've been arguing, ds doesn't want to see dad anymore blah, blah, blah.

So massive chat tonight, ds is quite distraught. He can't really say why, but I've told them to stop feeling sorry for dad. All twat goes on about is how hard he works, his aches and pains etc. I've told them he'd be at work anyway, he's not a hero or a martyr, and reminded them that I work too. I've said he needs to be their parent and not just threaten not to see them when it gets tough. Apparently it was all hugs when they left. He's just so f*ing useless.

My dd actually said "so are you sad that you split up with dad?" as though he is the only victim in all this. I said of course, and reminded her of all the fallout - far more for me than for her dad.

Oh, and I've rearranged this week so he can still see them around xmas things we have planned. But dd tells me tonight he's busy all week so will see them xmas eve onwards as planned. Yeah, great. Duck out of seeing them all week cause you can't cope, as opposed to maybe having them on their own to avoid any fighting etc. Or

Sorry, incoherent ranting. So sick of being the peace maker, the "bigger person", the adult, the understanding one. Just feel like being a selfish wanker like all the rest of them

Dusters no problem venting here, we get it and easier to share when our turn comes around. You couldn't be as selfish as your WN if you tried, as you would have to have regular emotions drained first.

My WN knows kids are off this week. I asked if he could help as I have work training days this week. He's signed up his DM (bigger narc than him), but I don't have another option. My DM is already helping other days and my friends are having nice family days so don't want to ask them to take on 2 more DCs, so have to go with it. My DD is now saying that she's had enough of WN leaving them with his DM. He has lots of holiday per year, but it appears just like in the summer that's being held back for his GF, not for DCs.

Thanks Lilac it's such a relief to know you're all here.

That's standard stuff for your WN isn't it, using his mum as his stand in. So bloody selfish. For me the fact that twat isn't seeing them this week doesn't inconvenience me, it's just that they see him so regularly it's very disruptive for them.

Haven't had the chance to do a card for HJM yet. I miss seeing him, but can't help feeling he'd be better off without becoming tangled up in all my baggage.

Feeling pretty disillusioned about human nature in general tonight. Ds has also revealed that some of his school friends are teasing and upsetting him. This is a first. He doesn't want any action taken, but I'll be asking his teacher to just keep an eye out, as he's quite tearful.

nice and greencar sorry to hear things are tough for you at the moment, I know what you mean about this: So sick of being the peace maker, the "bigger person", the adult, the understanding one. Just feel like being a selfish wanker like all the rest of them but let's face it, we couldn't be as shitty as them if we tried, they are on a different level of selfish.

My WN is not seeing the kids till next year now (I told him they were free this morning, but he didn't come). He has told the DDs he will see them in the new year now, but without giving an actual date of course. But it's a bit of a relief for us whilst we are away on holiday anyway.

We had a lovely meal out today for a family birthday, came home and DD1 who is struggling at the moment told me that my dad (her granddad) was speaking to her as she was eating and he was stood behind her, so he put his hands on her shoulders whilst he bend to speak to her. She got really scared and said she thought grandad was going to strangle her.

She said she knows it's an overreaction but it reminded her of what she saw daddy do to mummy and it scared her. I've told my dad, he is a bit gutted of course but I had to warn him. I am not sure if DD is suffering from some sort of PTSD from what she saw WN do to me (strangling/hitting around my head in front of all the DDs, which was why I left) but I am going to speak to my GP about this I think. I'm so glad DD felt able to tell me how she felt though.

dusters sorry to hear about your son being teased, it really hurts when the children go through a tough time. I hope the school can help.

2012PP you are an absolute hero for standing up to your ex and putting him on the back foot about his move. It must be a massive boost to your confidence

Dusters this baggage isn't of your choosing so if you were to start a relationship with any man in the future he would be most likely to not really understand but try to be sympathetic, or if no attempt to understand possible red flags for WN, in which case be wary!

Mr H-J sounds like a regular man, and he is also out of a relationship so therefore has his own baggage. It may not be as twisted as WN baggage, but it will still be baggage. So he will probably hope that someone new won't have the same issues. The difficulty when building something new is trying to keep level-headed when describing previous situations and trying not to let the old rubbish seep in. So it's fun rather than daunting. I actually find it reassuing when men I've met have baggage as it's not just me (luckily been issues I can compromise on that aren't red flags).

I hope your DCs are ok with the sudden drop in contact which is not their fault ffs kids do argue and hope the bullying incident was a short-lived occurrence. I agree it's good to raise with the school in case it is on-going or crops up later.

Yes my WN's charm is his ability to tell everyone around, particularly DCs, that he's a great dad then pass them on whenever he can.

Name words fail me when it comes to your WN My DCs didn't see physical issues between us so I really feel for you and them going through it then, now all having the memories.
I hope on holiday you are building strong, positive new memories and having a well-earned break.

Sorry to hear that you are having such a shtty day dusters* only a WN would threaten his kids in that way simply because he is actually having to act as a parent. He is basically saying something that he actually probably wants to happpen. Probably is finding it hard work having to look after them and doesn't want to say that so acts like it will be their fault if he cuts down contact.

lilac I think all WN are the same, want their life their way and only have DC when it suits them, if they can't be bothered they draft in others to help.

The abuse that your DD witnessed name sounds horrendous. Not surprised that something as innocuous as your DF putting his hand on her shoulders bothered her. Have you both had counselling? If so she might need to go back and see someone if it is affecting her like that. If not perhaps you should see if you can organise something for her. My DD2 won't talk to me about our situation but talks to a lady at school. Helps her process things I think.

DUSTERS. I hope the school can help with yr ds being teased. It so hard isn't it? My ds was being targeted by one particular boy & all I wanted to do was shout at said child's parents and tell the child off.
School were good tho & helped with some stuff about good behaviour/playing etc... They are 4-5 only. Sorry I don't remember how old your ds is?
Totally get it about being the bigger person/peac maker etc. It isn't fair or just at all. Vent, rant and shout on here as much as you want. It helps me knowing others understand.
LILAC: that's so typical of w/n to rope in others when they are supposed to parent.
I think my X always has someone with them when ds is there, either new g/f, friend or takes ds to golf club where there are plenty of adoring women who coo & make a fuss over ds and basically look after him whilst X plays golf!
NAME; that is so awful and sad for you all. I think speaking to your gp is the best idea.and it's great your dd can tell you. That just shows exactly how lovely a parent you are.

Morning all, just some help needed this morning. Following awful split with unbelievable narc (2 DC under 10) I am now in own house (2 weeks ago) and divorce final (1 month ago). TwuntFace insisted on 50/50 this year which meant an unbearable 2 days on/ 2 days off for kids so they NEVER knew where they were....never heard them read, never did homework, never got costumes, never did nonuniform day, never went to parents eve....I know you know all this, and how it was always mine or kids fault!

Anyway, last week on first phone call for two months I managed to get him to agree to alternate weekends with him and Wed tea, starting in Jan. This afternoon is first mediation with a solicitor, for two hours & am absolutely feckin dreading it. He'll be alternately tearful, charming and bullying and I can't find my power in front of him! Had anyone done this successfully?

I want a legal record of our agreement in case he 'forgets' the new plan. Money is another HUGE thing for him - he still receives ALL the child benefit and I've not had a penny since we split in Jan, despite paying for ALL uniform & clubs etc. I'm REALLY FRIGHTENED that when he realises that he will have to pay me some maintenance he'll go back on the 50/50 - please help with some advice!

How is everyone today?

No advice Teabay but hugs and hope you find your strength to deal with him this afternoon.

I have done mediation with the ex and he just got away with bullying me but as you are doing this with a solicitor hopefully they will be more firm with him.

I think I need some mantras to repeat to myself so as not to be vulnerable in mediation.
Anyone have any? Particularly if they are irreverent & not acceptable when said out loud on the bus...

Thanks so much for all the kind words and advice following my post last night. My ds (he's 9) asked me not to speak to the teacher today, was quite adamant. So we'll see how things go at pick up. I think the anxiety over dad stuff/school friends is feeding into each other and making each one worse. He said last night "I'm going to have so much to cope with tomorrow" .

Why can't these stupid men think right, you don't want me, but I'm going to show you what a great dad I am, even if you think I'm no good as a partner. But no. They get the Being a Victim manual from the library and off they go.

Name that's so upsetting for your dd - and your poor dad. I guess being open about it and getting help is the only way to tackle it.

Teabay the situation sounds really hard. I've been trying to think of some of the things I say to myself:

Sensible ones:

7 billion people in the world, you're just 1
I know my worth
This too shall pass
The truth will set you free

Irreverent, non bus friendly:
STFU
Why can't you emmigrate?
Still talking out your arse then?

I also imagine a little bit of steel going round my heart every time there's some upset with twat. It's like building a little shield. I can feel myself doing it today. Can you imagine yourself being icy, or steel like in his company, like you've got a force field around you? I know that sounds a bit daft, but I find it helpful sometimes. It's like you're literally protecting yourself.

TEABAY.
I sing "fuck-off - fuck-off - fuck-ooooooff - fuck-off - fuck-off - fuck-ooooooff - fuck-off - fuck-off - fuck-ooooooff" in my head with a wide grin on my face
I probably look very mad indeed

or more sensibly -

• I am worth more than the way X treated me
• I am a lovely person
• I achieve great things in my life
• Breath and relax, breath and relax
• I can do this (my way)

I imagine a bullet proof glass wall between me and X - it's one way only tho. from X to me - I can shoot anything from my side. It's clear so I can see everything they throw at me, but I'm protected behind it !

I am really missing my ds . he is at X's for few days before the grand departure!
I'm trying to busy myself, but it's so quiet and I'm worrying about what the heck X is saying/filling ds's head about them leaving.
I won't know until Thursday when ds comes home.

I couldn't read that without singing it 2012 !

I turn my music up and sing along when the kids aren't here. Apparently I'm too embarrassing when they're here, so it's my chance to be in the Pussycat Dolls, and join in the rapping parts of songs (very badly). Will be doing so today after school to get my Dusters Christmas mojo back - the dc will just have to cringe !

oh DUSTERS - here's hoping your ds had a better day at school today - hugs to you both. I hate the thought of bully's. I really hate it

yah DUSTER - get your christmas mojo back - 100%. that sounds great - let the dc's cringe a bit and sing along as loudly as possible.

luckily my ds is young enough that I can still quite cool most of the time

Thanks 2012, hug gratefully received. Yes, better day for ds today. Couple of comments made, not as bad as yesterday, seemed happier. Two friends called for him tonight, including one of the boys being mean. I gave him my mum death stare and said I doubted ds would want to come out. He did however, so is down the road right now. Hopefully away from the group it'll be ok and will help ds.

Make the most of being cool in your dc's eyes. When they're watching Horrible Histories and ask if you fought in the second world war, that's when you want to hide in a cupboard and cry

red I'm so sorry, I was so worn down yesterday I missed your reply counselling. Thank you, that sounds great. So glad you've found something that helps you.

And thank you for the kind words everyone, the support means a lot. Had an awful day today for many reasons, but trying to find the strength to get through it.

I'm awful, reading posts then forgetting who said what by the time I come to write my own, but hoping everyone is holding up ok. Was it teabay asking about ex going back on 50/50 agreement? Have you got anything in writing agreeing to that?

dusters so sorry you had a bad day too. Things have moved on since then I see so fingers crossed your DS comes back in happy. I was also going to ask about HJM, just to say you and your DC are not baggage. Anyone who sees them as that is not good enough for you.

GREEN - , chocolate, biscuits, hugs, plants of w/n wipe away product and all round general support .
I am so sorry to hear things are bad .

DUSTERS . I'm laughing about the ww11 comment!
I was Watching somethings about Romans with ds last week and he asked me if I used to be one??? ?

I'm home after a very hectic but lovely weekend (3 adults, 4 kids and a baby in one tiny house!). Sorry to see there's been more bad times here. I hope mediation goes well tea. Horrifying to read about that abuse namechanger sounds like your DD has been really affected by it, hope you can find the right help for her. Much love and to everyone - we all need it and deserve it!

I think I found the person to be my parenting guru this weekend. My mum's friend's daughter - she had 5 children, with two shitty exes, one possibly a WN and the other just pathetic, but judging by how the two older children are turning out so far (absolutely lovely boys) she seems to be managing things really well. She also has a son that is DD's age who has a lot of the same difficulties that DD has so she knows what its like, and knows what its like to deal with twatty exes so I shall make sure to keep contact with her. And her baby was just so adorable, DD was absolutely in love with her as well (she would be such a great big sister, hopefully one day)

name, it was you I wanted to reply to you and couldn't remember! (I am sorry, I've had so little sleep). That is awful, for you, your DD and your dad. What I wanted to say was do go to the GP, get it recorded if nothing else.

2012 thank you

Nat she sounds fabulous. So glad you had a good weekend after all the crap.

dusters the image of you rapping badly to the pussycat dolls is cheering me up. I want to be your friend!

Thank you greencar, good idea to get it recorded I'll do this tomorrow if we can get an appt.

He text me today out of the blue and asked what dates he is having the girls over Xmas?! Last time they spoke DD had said "Merry Christmas dad because we are going to be on holiday and we won't see you" and he said "I'll see you next year" but with no dates in mind. So I had breathed a sigh of relief.

So today's message is just nuts and destabilising really.

I replied, I said you clearly know we are away based on conversations we had on x y z date (some with me via text and some with DDs which he knows I listen to because it's on the school run on speaker phone).

He just sent a massive response about how selfish I am and 'just because I don't kick off about it don't think I'm going to let you continue behaving like this' - some sort of veiled threat I assume.

He said that I should ask the DDs what they really want, and that the girls are too scared to let me that they want to see him more (erm, I am the one telling them they have to speak to him on the phone when they don't want to!)

Anyways I've decided it's just typical WN behaviour and I'm going to ignore. I said my bit re dates and restated that we are away over Xmas and that is that. If he fights then he fights. I'm not going to think too much about it today.