Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

When I read that Kate I thought no, his sibling wasn't the narc, it's more his dad, and he himself has a few traits. But actually the sibling in question is a massive narc - that hadn't struck me before !

Red are you trying to resolve your situation with legal/third party help? Do you have RL support?

OhB - I love that, survivor not victim!

Homely - I'm so sorry you're living in fear from what he might do next. The fear about the overnight must be so heartbreaking. Remind me, do your DC actually want to go? I'm guessing from what you've said, they are very very young so it's up to you to protect them but it is so hard. The court thing is also true but I guess if you have hard evidence of his previous transgressions, you may get supervised contact? I was so scared about WN getting more than he actually wanted but that's just it - had to do the court thing to show he'd fought but when it came to the crunch, he didn't really want anything.. just to make me anxious and scared! I really hope that's the case with yours too

And Kate - I think you're totally doing the right thing!

And Red - can only echo the wise Dusters about calling on your friends and family to help support you and getting some clear legal advice to help you lock his arse. It makes me so how someone who once professed to love you can act so so differently. I don't recognise the man MY WN has become - it is a completely different man and someone I would've run and mile from if I'd met him as he is now. How do they hide it so well? It's only since we separated and divorced that mine has become so unbelievably cruel although there were gently flags when we were together but nothing like now.

Massive hugs to us all - and the next round is on me

Nice new, I said to my friend that the strongest of women can be subject to such abuse and everyone should be aware that this happens. Also that it leaves a very lasting impact.

Stop laughing- DC 4 with no desire to go. From what I am told, a court will deem overnight the natural next step

Totally agree Homely You only have to think of that newspaper photo of Nigella Lawson, with Saatchi's hand at her throat, and all the details that came to light later on. She had independent wealth, fame, a strong family background, previous loving marriage and no shared dc - and she still found herself in that position.

As for over nights and what the courts would say, I don't know, but other posters on here will.

Christ on a bike, Natsku - your ex is positively terrifying.

I'll open a tab please and start with a nice large G&T.

Less than one week to go till the final hearing.

He has been an utter bastard so why have I spent the past 24 hours sobbing and wishing he would call me up and tell me he's sorry and he loves me?

Hi all sorryven't posted for awhile, but had time to read. I'm really feeling for those with younger DCs where WNs are trying to force access issues or not giving DCs back.

Nat good police are involved and threats are being taken seriously. I hope you get an injunction against him.

Dusters I'm wondering is it the same poltergeists that whisper in WN ears and 'force' them to be big, selfish babies?
Also good example there of a controlling man. To see images with Nigella's eyes bulging and appearing unable to breathe then reading reports that Saatchi said he was just holding her still, makes me so I never found out what happened to him, did anyone else?

I've taken massive leap and have to wait to see what WN will do. I told the DCs that they don't have to lie about my BF as they have met him a few times and don't want them to feel uncomfortable. They told WN I'm seeing someone. He asked for a name but apparently nothing else yet...waiting game to see what happens.

Frog you still have feelings of love and having feelings is normal. Rather than doubt or stop them why not go with it, cry, scream into pillows, talk about the pain?
Loss can be agonising and it's often better to fully grieve the loss and then let go, rather than pretend it's ok and feel the pain inside.

Evening Frog. I think once you've really loved somebody you can't always just turn it off like a tap. The emotion was/is too strong, so don't question yourself. I've often said on here that I've cultivated an ice cold approach to my ex. I still occasionally dream about him though; difficult, complicated dreams with very mixed emotions. Often they just make me sad. I literally don't allow myself to look back, question etc, because I don't have a productive way to deal with the emotions this causes. It's probably not very healthy, but it's been my solution so far.

That's a brave step Lilac. I like that the reason you did it was to make your dc feel more comfortable.

Frog I don't understand it but I think it is normal, for a normal person with normal feelings. Even I feel like that sometimes and I don't even like mine. But I did love the person I thought he was, and miss him and the life we should have had terribly sometimes even now. I think like lilac says ride it out, accept that you have these feelings and let them flow. Much better to process them now and get over them, in time, than bottle them up and never truly address them.

The bar is open 24 hours, and will be stocking mince pies, stollen, alcoholic and non-alcoholic mulled wine, yule log and fancy flavoured hot chocolate over the festive period. Because if anyone deserves comfort food, it's us.

(And yes I am indulging in more bar tending fantasies as a distraction from having to stand up to WN, I'm terrified whether I get aggression or silence or unsettling reasonableness. It so, so shouldn't be this way).

lilac I somehow missed the bit about your BF. Well done, that must have taken some courage. However he reacts, you know you're doing this all the right way.

Thanks Dusters and StopLaughing yes I have a good SHL but was trying to be reasonable with the WN though why I bother I don't know. Haven't actually started legal proceedings yet got advice what to ask him for (he part owns a business so it's not as simple as asking for payslips and wages etc) and wrote to him saying what I would produce and what he needed to produce and offered to go to Arbitration when I have all the info. He won't produce anything just keeps coming round to the house and harrassing me. Had too big blow ups with him trying to coerce me into agreeing what he wants in the last 2 weeks. On SHL advice have put a call in to have an informal chat with police to put them in the picture. He hasn't ever been physically violent with me while we were married but he is really acting deranged at the moment, he has said I've hit him (absolute lie to cover for him hurting me shoving the door back open when I tried to close it behind him - all in front of our younger daughter). I think it is that he just can't get his head round the fact that I no longer have to cowtow to him and can say no I won't. He's never had that in the almost 30 years we were together. You are both right - you know when you are with them that everything isn't right but I was so much inside the relationship I just couldn't see what a twisted WN he had become. It only really became apparent in the last few years as he became more important at work and no longer needed my money to make his life easier. Used to tell me that he hated seeing me getting old and grey (nice huh) like I was going to stay 17 for ever! I'm 46 and fit, healthy and still get checked out by other men so you can imagine what a sucky place I was in to accept him saying shitty stuff like that to me. Have fortunately been going to counselling and I can't explain how much it has helped. Genuinely thought I would have a nervous breakdown beforehand. Has made me accept why I allowed him to treat me like I didn't matter (N Mother and abused as a small child) explained a lot and hopefully will help me move on with my life and not make the same mistake again. and for everyone who needs them - still have to have a glass a night to be able to sleep but at least I can now sleep for more than 2 hours a night which I didn't for months.

greencar you mention stollen. I've read the rave reviews of the Lidl stollen. Was in there this week and my hand was hovering over the shelf. The reviews seemed to suggest it was so delicious that once you started eating it you may never stop. There have been posts on here about MNetters eating whole loaves/packets of it in one go! I've already polished off half a pack of "Christmas" biscuits, so I'd better just order a mince pie

Wow Red I understand now why you sounded so stressed out in your earlier post. I think we've all questioned on here at some point why are we still trying to be reasonable. The conclusion seems to be that if you're normal this is your default. But as we all learn, you can't do reasonable with these people. As for the losing control, that's the classic trait again isn't it. It literally seems to induce a rage. I think your idea of speaking to the police is very sensible.

As for the remark about you getting old - what a complete bastard. How's he looking? David Beckham, Brad Pitt? Thought not You obviously look great and he's threatened by it.

Your counselling sounds amazing. So good when you find someone who's a good fit for you. Sorry that you went through that in your childhood, it must have been very hard to revisit it. Sounds like it was of great benefit though.

WN called again this morning, and DD refused to speak to him again. I spoke with school and they are going to refer her, as the class teacher also mentioned that she is becoming withdrawn and quiet which is not like her.

I am getting a paper trail going, and I am going to support her all that I can. WN is now moving onto DD2, and is now starting his emotional blackmail techniques with her. She is so young and she really should not be going through this.

I'm sorry to hear that we are going through tough times at the moment - Christmas seems to bring about a new level of narcism in these sorry excuses for men.

Used to tell me that he hated seeing me getting old and grey (nice huh) like I was going to stay 17 for ever!

Mine used to say exactly the same to me, I was looking old, I was getting grey hairs etc, when actually I looked pretty good!

And he looks like a million dollars I assume?? It's such a mean insecure way to treat another human being.You are well rid.

Me too, with the appearance thing. Including when I was pg/recent postnatal.

red do you mind me asking what type of counselling you've had? I'd like some but don't know where to start.

dusters I left Lebkuchen off for that very reason. I will add the world's remaining supply of buttermint tea though!

Red - so glad you've got a SHL so that side of things can be managed. I know it can be expensive but if I were you, I'd just get all communication and 'offers' put through your lawyer so you can properly detach. Hard as it sounds like he loves to invade your space but it will make you feel more secure long term. He sounds utterly dreadful though - I would never make such personal remarks to a partner, there are ways to phrase things! Saw a photo of my WN at his cousins wedding this summer - bloody hell - he looked so so bad... slogan t-shirt, scruffy beard and tatty trainers, surrounded by the bride in her beautiful dress & everyone else in suits and smart jeans etc. I'm not shallow (well, maybe a bit)

Just had a call from the Child Maintenance people.. so he sees them 5 nights a month, works full time, and for two DC (drum roll) - £7.40 a week! What was the point in that

£7.40 ??!! I thought the figure was supposed to relate to about 20% of salary? So he earns £150 per month full time ? What a joke. Is it technically right based upon the figures he's provided? Haven't had to involve CM to date. This is just the kind of thing that makes me hope I never have to. Can you appeal?

Sorry to hear about your dd Namechange but good that that school are looking out for her and are going to help.

I also thought it would be about 20%.. we had an informal arrangement of £65 (also not nearly enough but something at least) which he kept up for 4 months but he just stopped mid year which is why I involved the CMS. I cannot believe that this is what has come back. I need to see the paperwork but I will be appealing. He didn't respond to any of their attempts to speak to him or get details from him so went direct to HMRC - and that's where they got that lovely figure from. It's only £2,40 more than if he was unemployed - it just can't be right

Feeling pretty shitty tonight - especially as the claim is probably what set him off at the beginning of the month and for what?? Pointless!

Just popping in to say I'm visiting family friends this weekend so won't be about as writing longer posts on my phone sucks. But hope you all have a decent weekend.

Stoplaughing that's awful news. Do you know roughly his take home amount to try online calculator?
£7.40 seems absolutely crazy for full time worker. So at WN running away from financial responsibility.

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y/receive

Link for calculator. I hope it's recalculated soon with large appears!

No idea of his wage but even if it was £200 a week which is highly unlikely, it should still be £27 per week according to that calculator.. I can't imagine what I would have to put in to get a total of £7 I basically paid a months maintenance to find that out.

He will be loving that - all that fuss for less than £30 a month, so so upsetting. It's really knocked me for six - tears are never far away at the moment which is a shame as I'd had a pretty good day until then (got the call five minutes before the school run so did that with lovely red eyes!)

DC at least finished for Xmas now so hopefully nothing but loveliness, fun and frivolity. I think I'll go hit the bar now - our one obviously as am at home.. no Friday night on the tiles for me!

Sorry - so much self pity! Hope everyone else had a better end to their week

stoplaughing I'm lost for words and some very nice chocolates from the bar for you.

Mine is a dick. A complete dick. We knew that, but it still needs saying.