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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

913 replies

Lilacpink40 · 13/12/2016 21:15

Hi allSmile

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 14/12/2016 16:30

Flowers for all the above. I'm so shocked at what I've just been reading, and in awe that you are carrying on with work, relationships, parenting - life basically - despite the existence of these hateful people.

KatelovesJames · 14/12/2016 16:47

I've had to give up work and I'm on supply. Exh took all of our savings and left me with the house but no real way to pay, given he had the savings.

I was the higher earner but it was a huge problem for him. I'm not by any means wealthy but I worked so hard to compensate for him not caring, and he used it against me. He actually used my teaching to try say I didn't have time for dd.

KatelovesJames · 14/12/2016 17:03

I am literally terrified of what he will do when he finds out that I'm pregnant. He's not going to have any opportunity to hurt me but how do I tell him/his family?

I have time to figure it out as I'm only about six weeks. I was considering not having this baby because of him. Because I know he will want to destroy anything positive

Chrystal1982 · 14/12/2016 17:27

Kate I wouldn't bother to tell him at all tbh non of his business surely? If you have any contact with him it'll become obvious in the long run. I didn't tell SF I was pregnant, my DC's did when I was about 20weeks.

nicenewdusters · 14/12/2016 17:55

Kate I agree with Chrystal. You have no obligation to tell him - because the usual rules don't apply here. Of course normally you'd feel you should inform your dc's dad that your dc is going to have a brother/sister. But these people over step the mark all the time and treat others with contempt. I believe therefore you treat them just the same. Ice cold civility when necessary - and only the civil part because it benefits you to remain the same reasonable person you know you are.

No contact unless unavoidable, and only then in writing - text/email/notes etc. Don't have their words inside your head, don't speak to them. Forget everything you've been told about dealing with people, and forget about trying to protect his image as regards your dc. It can't be done. She knows what's going on, she knows you're the truthful one.

As for telling his family. They should be ashamed to be related to him. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with them but again, I wouldn't bother. Personally I think you have every right to withhold contact once you get your dd back. Let him argue in court as to why he's a fit parent. I know there are some awful outcomes on here, where it looks like the court would have naturally found against the WN but haven't. But surely with his history he has to be stopped.

Also re his family. I think you said earlier his contact is supposed to be supervised via/with his mum. Well, she's doing a cracking job isn't she. So again, why would you feel obligated to tell her about your pregnancy.

Lilacpink40 · 14/12/2016 18:18

Kate sorry if I missed this, but do you have RL support?

Really feel for your situation and hope you have support network. Flowers

OP posts:
greencarbluecar · 14/12/2016 20:04

These men and the strangling. Mine too. It was one of the risk factors asked about when I went for freedom.

Quick update on that, it was ok, I was upset for a while but partly because the risk assessment also asks if you're pregnant and I got very upset at having to say no. But the programme itself was good, and it was SO refreshing to be in a room with people who just got it.

nicenewdusters · 14/12/2016 21:37

That's great news about the Freedom programme Greencar. For some reason I thought you were doing it online, even better that you've been able to do it in person. I remember you said a while back that a significant date was looming as regards your loss. Has that date now passed, if you don't mind me asking?

ImprovisingNow · 14/12/2016 21:40

This sounds very minor compared with some of the stories on here, but as usual my narc exH pitched u today without bothering to email in advance. he comes in because the DC (teenagers) let him in, helps himself to tea and toast without asking, makes a point of going for a piss in my bathroom (up two flights of stairs, passing by a perfectly decent loo) and generally gloats about squatting on my sofa like a giant malevolent cuckoo.

I agreed to him coming round for a long time because I thought it was best for the DC to have relaxed, informal contact with him - they play video games together - but typically he is pushing the boundaries and loving doing it. If I pick him up on any of it he is all hurt innocence and "mummy is being mean to me". I hate him and this can't continue. Hopefully the DC and I are moving in February and I will try very hard not to let him have my new address.

greencarbluecar · 14/12/2016 21:57

improvising he sounds like an entitled twat. It doesn't sound minor, it sounds very invasive. Prepare yourself in advance for not giving him your address, they can get very aggressive and/or manipulative when you won't tell them Sad

dusters thank you for remembering. No it hasn't, there's still a little while to go and I'm not looking forward to dealing with it alone. It's still raw.

But yes, finally got the courage to do freedom in person, so fingers crossed I'll come out the other side in a less WN-controlled place! And they do tea and biscuits, it's like half a WN survival bar Smile

nicenewdusters · 14/12/2016 23:08

Yes Improvising I agree that's not minor. Having your personal space invaded and being disrespected in your own home is very upsetting. I could only bear it for a few weeks after I split with my partner. When he became argumentative and difficult I told him not to come in anymore. He has respected this to date. If you are moving from the old family home to one that is yours alone he will have no right to come in.

half a WN survival bar Grin Worth going just for that alone !

StopLaughingDrRoss · 15/12/2016 00:37

Sorry I've been quiet - rl taking over and this week is very busy.

But Flowers and Wine for you brave, strong women! I live with a permanent sense of unease and mistrust but some of these WN's are another level and I think you're all amazing.

All quiet on that front here other than DS said that Daddy didn't see his play because I didn't tell him about it... so the text and forms in their bookbags don't count, I guess. Such a minor thing but it is always someone else's fault - always.. you wouldn't believe he's a grown adult, grrrrrrr!

I'll get the peanuts in for the WN survival bar - I love a salted peanut with my cocktail, pure class.

Namechanger2015 · 15/12/2016 06:35

Daddy didn't see his play because I didn't tell him about it... so the text and forms in their bookbags don't count, I guess. Such a minor thing but it is always someone else's fault - always

My WN is exactly the same. When he spoke to dd2 yesterday he told her she should be emailing him more often to let him know what's going on in her life. She is 7. She doesn't have an email address and no idea how to use it.

He could set one up and show he. Or he could call, FaceTime or actually come and see his children more than once a month but no, iTs easier for him to blame his 7 year old daughter instead.

I often wonder what the children will make of his behaviour when they are adults or parents themselves.

Namechanger2015 · 15/12/2016 06:37
Homely1 · 15/12/2016 06:55

Thanks Lilac. I've headed over here too. How is everyone coping? I couldn't believe a close friend suggesting that unless you were helpless, you could not suffer mental abuse and such scraps happen, doesn't mean it's abuse. It is this very attitude that needs to be done away with. This is why WN get away with this. We are left with the scars.

I'm scared, still scared. So much going on on every aspect of life. Particularly scared of DC going overnight. DC who calls for me overnight. DC who cannot remember bring overnight with ex. Yet if I don't comply, I'll be taken to court and WN will get what he wants and prob more.

Talking about fault...., yep. They don't think that they can step up, cough up etc.... nope. Always the innocent party's fault.

KatelovesJames · 15/12/2016 09:36

Thanks ladies. You're right - I'm under no obligation to tell him about the pregnancy. I think I'm going to withhold contact.

My family are very supportive. His believe him that he's a victim in all of this! Except his aunt who has disowned him.

Natsku · 15/12/2016 10:22

In the police station making the crime report (OH is being interviewed now but I'm not allowed in the room which is annoying because OH doesn't explain things well). Lawyer was great as usual, wants to use the police report to help with a court application for a restraining order.

Oh and of course my ex didn't call at a reasonable hour yesterday. DD called him in the afternoon, he didn't answer and didn't start calling until 8, which is an hour after DD's bedtime, the twat. Didn't answer, never going to answer after 7pm from now on.

KatelovesJames · 15/12/2016 11:10

I hope it goes ok Nats

nicenewdusters · 15/12/2016 11:12

Stoplaughing Yep, I gave up telling my ex to give the school his email address so that he knows what I know. So now he knows what I or the dc choose to tell him. He couldn't even look up the term dates last week, although he can take them away. So, looking on school websites - no, womens/kids stuff, taking away on holiday - yes, as it's what he wants to do.

Homely Did your friend say that to you about the being helpless etc? What did you reply?

Kate Good for you. He doesn't deserve to know anything about your life, or to see your dd. His family will always defend him. My ex's sibling used to regularly steal money from the family. It had been going on for years, took me about 2 months to realise it was her. Their explanation? They had a poltergeist (holds head in hands.......} They f**k 'em up then they cover up.

Nats good luck, hope it's not too traumatic for you and OH. Good decision on not answering the phone after 7pm

Ohb0llocks · 15/12/2016 11:23

Discharged from my DV support service today, she feels I've come on brilliantly and since he has been told not to contact/hasn't contacted (touch wood) I've been moved to low risk.

She said I'm not a victim anymore I'm a survivor. Feeling incredibly proud Grin

nicenewdusters · 15/12/2016 11:29

That's fantastic news Ohb so pleased for you. Order a double from the WN bar and put it on my tab ! Wine

Ohb0llocks · 15/12/2016 11:32

I'm proper chuffed! Let's hope things stay nice and boring.

nicenewdusters · 15/12/2016 11:57

Yes, nice and boring is good!

RedastheRose · 15/12/2016 13:51

Hi all, I've posted before but under a different name but felt it was too revealing. Read all of the posts most days as it helps to know that other people out there understand what it is like to deal with someone like a WN. Having a terrible time at the moment with mine. He is trying to force me to agree to a financial settlement that is in his favour (refuses to disclose information to me so we can deal with it properly) and is being intimidating and trying to blackmail me into submission. Absolutely awful situation.

KatelovesJames · 15/12/2016 14:29

Thanks dusters

Poltergeist?! Seriously?? Narcs really can convince people of anything.