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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he just going to keep breaking up with me?

249 replies

Username789 · 26/10/2016 14:15

So my boyfriend of only 6 months has now broke up with 3 times already!

Each time we very quickly get back together, with hours or a day, the thing is we do not argue when he does this he just thinks I am getting fed up with him and going to break up with him so he runs. He has said he doesn't feel good enough for me and he's a bit insecure and he does not want to be hurt.

I realise how childish this sounds, I am 37 and he is 40 though, both of us have children from previous relationships.

So he just broke up with me again for the 3rd time a few days ago and I thought to myself: this is it, there is no way I'm taking him back this time, I am not going to be a fool. However we talked via messaging and we decided to get back together and he is coming over tonight. He has said he will not run away again, that he will talk to me instead.

I just don't want to keep going round in circles it's not healthy and I feel a bit unstable in the relationship as its only been 6 months and all this drama!

I obviously love him very much, he makes me laugh so so much, I can be myself around him, he is very kind and caring, he is a great lover, he is like my best friend now - it was pretty intense from the beginning.

I want to try again one more time I just don't know if it is wise to do so? Any advice please?

OP posts:
adora1 · 26/10/2016 14:21

Jesus how weird, sorry but I'd not be going back to a guy that has dumped me three times in six times no matter how good the sex or how much he made me laugh, that's a horrible way to be and loads of anxiety for you.

What I would do is dump HIS arse and let him stew for a couple of weeks, stop letting him call the shots.

His reasons sound pathetic and yes, from a boy of around 14 years old.

Every1lovesPatsy · 26/10/2016 14:21

I think he has mental health/anxiety problems and is incapable of a stable relationship and he is going to unstablize you if you keep having him in your life.

Can you agree to take a break from each other and dating in general (both) for a month and then re-assess.

I think he is bad news. I think you deserve more.

DixieNormas · 26/10/2016 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happybunny19 · 26/10/2016 14:24

I can't even get through the entire post, it's unbelievable to me that he's not 15 years old with this pathetic behaviour.

Finish with him now and find someone who's grown past the drama filled angst ridden breaking up shite. Honestly I don't know how you've even asked the question about this total non-relationship. I'd rather be lonely than putting up with this type of nonsense.

crayfish · 26/10/2016 14:29

I had a boyfriend who did this, it's torture and I think it's a form of controlling behaviour to be honest. He can keep you on your toes and at his beck and call and this is about proving that to himself.

You need to call his bluff and not take him back. I never understand women who say 'my DP does this horrible thing but he's kind and caring and my best friend blah blah blah'. No he isn't. He isn't kind or caring and he might be your best friend but you are certainly not his.

Original poster
Username789 · 26/10/2016 14:30

Yes I know you are all right and I would be saying the same but when you are in it, it is different! I have never had this type of relationship before, I have had long, stable relationships - 6 and 10 years - this is all new to me. It's not normal, is it?

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 26/10/2016 14:32

You both sound like teenagers. Seriously.

Of course he'll keep doing it.

No good relationship ever started with 3 breakups in the first six months.

Breaking up and getting back together in a matter of hours is what 13 year olds do.

TheNaze73 · 26/10/2016 14:35

Exactly what Aye says.

Not many people could be arsed with the self imposed drama

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 26/10/2016 14:42

If you want to give it another try, and it does sound to me like you do, then maybe you should talk to him about why he keeps saying this, so you can try and understand why he is doing it? It doesn't seem like he is vanishing for days or weeks at a time he is saying something then backtracking very quickly. I obviously don't know what the circumstances are only you can make a decision if he is being an arse or if something else is making him react in this way.

I met my DP after years of being in an EA relationship, I had been single for a long while and felt ready but when the relationship started to get serious at times my flight response would kick in big time at the smallest sign of conflict - I'm really glad he took the time to talk to me and listen, despite my unreasonable responses because we have a wonderful relationship, as soon as I felt safe I never felt like that again.

I was mid thirties when I met my DP.

Original poster
Username789 · 26/10/2016 14:47

Yes thank you Poppy for your insight, yes we have talked about it and it is the same for him - his flight response kicks in, he literally walks out, he was also in an EA relationship plus physical abuse like throwing things at him, for years with his ex and he now has full custody/no access for her of their kids.

OP posts:
adora1 · 26/10/2016 14:49

Regardless of previous crap relationships he has no right to treat you so badly; if he is not capable of a relationship then he should tell you that, not pick you up and drop you when he feels like it.

I am sorry OP, I know you want to see the best in him but his behaviour is unacceptable, no matter how many cups he had thrown in his direction.

adora1 · 26/10/2016 14:51

Next time he chucks you and he will because this is his pattern and he will continue, plus he knows you will keep taking him back, stop communicating with a person who has dumped you 3 times now, it's ridiculous, you said yourself and then went back on it by communicating with him and obviously convincing him to try again, stop chasing him when he's treating you so badly, otherwise be ready for more crap.

Graceflorrick · 26/10/2016 14:53

I would never feel secure in a relationship where my DP dumped me - even once! Move on OP.

Tarttlet · 26/10/2016 14:54

Would he be willing to have some kind of counselling - both to get over his past EA relationship and to manage his anxiety? I won't add to the chorus of voices saying to leave him, as I think if he's willing to learn to manage his anxiety - and you're willing to stand by him during this - then everything could work out. He has to be very committed to change, though.

Original poster
Username789 · 26/10/2016 14:59

I was not chasing him and convincing him to try again, I had serious reservations about trying again and I told him as much. If I thought he meant it I would of course take him seriously and move on but I know he doesnt mean it and it is not what he really wants when he ends it.

Arrrgh he is so frustrating, never had a man get under my skin so much before!

OP posts:
adora1 · 26/10/2016 15:12

OP, you said up thread you were not going to entertain him after him dumping you for the third time but then went back on that and got back into communication with him and now it's back on.

Is up to you but I'd not be interested in a man that treated me so badly, regardless of his issues, you've only known him for six months and some of that has been apart when he's ended it, you are not his therapist or his carer.

I honestly think if you stopped engaging with him when he does this you'd have a better idea of what the future will be like and also be holding onto your self respect, no man is worth this amount of angst in six months but I get that you are really into him, I think the issue here is if you are honest, you are not so sure it's reciprocated; I just find his reason for treating you so badly pretty flimsy.

I think he's a very luck man to have a lady willing to go back 3 times now after being dumped; that must harm your confidence a lot.

Original poster
Username789 · 26/10/2016 15:19

Adora, yes he says he adores and loves me very much, would marry me tomorrow and have a child, that I am perfect for him in every way etc. but then his actions of breaking up and running away say otherwise? I am very conflicted!

OP posts:
adora1 · 26/10/2016 15:21

I'm afraid I would not believe his BS, it's all very Romeo and Juliet and then bang, you're dumped - again!

Are you 100% sure he is either not married or living with someone, would explain the 3 times disappearances...

Original poster
Username789 · 26/10/2016 15:23

No he's definitely not married or living with someone - I stay at his place often

OP posts:
PoppyPicklesPenguin · 26/10/2016 15:33

i never said the words "it's over" I would have a flight response kick in and say things like I can't do this. So maybe not exactly the same.

The third and last time I ever said that he looked me straight in the eye and said he wasn't going anywhere, I was stuck with him. That he was going to go out for an hour and then come back and we would talk. He came back we talked a lot and I never felt like that again.

It's easy for people to say LTB, as they don't have any real context to the situaton.

Only you can decide, what to do next what ever you decide is ok. You must do what is right for you.

But if you decide to talk to him I would take some time to really think about things and I would be very honest with him about how it makes you feel as it's not acceptable to do this, he knows this. I expect he would find counselling really helpful I certainly did.

The biggest guilt I feel is that what that nasty vile man did to me had an effect on my DP in the beginning, and that my actions from years of abuse could mean I wouldn't have such a wonderful man in my life.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 26/10/2016 15:41

I'm going to go against the grain here, as someone who suffers from anxiety and was in an EA relationship for a long time, I am very conflict averse and at the first sign of trouble I will bolt! I have been with DP for 4 years and we have actually only split once, but we have both said "I can't do this anymore" "I've had enough" etc many times in the heat of the moment. It's like it all just gets too much and the idea of a simple life seems so appealing.

However, in the cold light of day I realise I have over reacted, as does he, and we have a lovely chat and sort things out.

He has actually stated that he will not leave me, that even if he says it that he doesn't mean it and that the only way this is over is if I say it's over, he's going nowhere. This is a very reassuring thing to hear and really helps when I feel things brewing, knowing that even if it gets to breaking point, I am safe and secure in this relationship.

Maybe you need to have a talk about commitment and he can find a way to verbalise the feelings of frustration that make him leave in a more constructive way. I often find that bringing a bit of humour in helps, e.g. if he says he won't keep taking it, I will think to myself "yeah you will, I'm too good in bed etc" to break the frostiness. I don't even have to say it, it just helps for me to feel that this doesn't have to be the catastrophe that it appears at the time.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 26/10/2016 15:42

Poppy - Smile sounds very similar!!

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 26/10/2016 15:48

and Romeo & Juliet, it may not be, but this song struck a chord with us...

(little bit sweary so NSFW!)

Myusernameismyusername · 26/10/2016 15:52

How do you know re marriage and babies after 6 months? I'm curious as isn't it still getting to know someone and a honeymoon phase?
It all does seem super intense and then sadly inevitable to crash and burn!

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 26/10/2016 15:58

It really does feedme it is difficult for everybody involved at time.

But I would like to think that at my core I'm a really good, loving person, I have just been through more than my fair share of bad situations - I'm glad my DP saw this in me :) my anxiety isn't perfect but I do feel safe in our relationship as does he.

Think I may have to cook him something super nice this evening :) feeling lots of appreciation for him following this thread!

Usually we have crap food on a Wednesday.

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