Is he just going to keep breaking up with me?

[Username789]

So my boyfriend of only 6 months has now broke up with 3 times already!

Each time we very quickly get back together, with hours or a day, the thing is we do not argue when he does this he just thinks I am getting fed up with him and going to break up with him so he runs. He has said he doesn't feel good enough for me and he's a bit insecure and he does not want to be hurt.

I realise how childish this sounds, I am 37 and he is 40 though, both of us have children from previous relationships.

So he just broke up with me again for the 3rd time a few days ago and I thought to myself: this is it, there is no way I'm taking him back this time, I am not going to be a fool. However we talked via messaging and we decided to get back together and he is coming over tonight. He has said he will not run away again, that he will talk to me instead.

I just don't want to keep going round in circles it's not healthy and I feel a bit unstable in the relationship as its only been 6 months and all this drama!

I obviously love him very much, he makes me laugh so so much, I can be myself around him, he is very kind and caring, he is a great lover, he is like my best friend now - it was pretty intense from the beginning.

I want to try again one more time I just don't know if it is wise to do so? Any advice please?

Simple answer is yes.

He will keep breaking up with you if you keep getting back with him.

Why would you expect things to change?

He was making demands on you months ago. It was not his place to do so. Especially not when that has some indirect affect on your DC.

A friendly relationship with an ex who is the co parent to your children and as such will be in your life forever (think kids graduations, marriage, grandchildren all share) is worth a lot more than an 8 month shag who makes you out to be wrong, a disappointment etc.

Your ex did you a favour. Would your P rather you forked out ££ for a car repair just so it wasn't your ex that did it? Or that you and your DC went without a car?

Find a better bloke.

Argh, just read the rest of the thread. He sounds so much like my ex-bf it's scary. Yes, mine too didn't want me to have anything to do with my ex-husband and wanted all his things removed from the house for us only to have contact regarding the children. Even then he wanted me to drop the kids to the inlaws for contact weekends so my ex-h didn't come to the house.

My ex-h was horribly abusive and it took a lot to end the relationship with him. Nevertheless, the ex-bf once dumped me because he insisted I was still in a relationship with my ex-H which. He was obsessed with the idea of me being in relationships with other people, it was insane. Like your's my ex-bf would not tolerate my ex-h helping me with anything and saw it all as a sign that we were still interested in each other. To control me, he'd end the relationship as punishment. There was no reasoning with him either.

I feel for you, OP. I understand why you're confiding in your ex (he's a safe place and you're in an emotionally dangerous situation) I understand why you're taking him back and why you he's got under your skin (it's called intermittent reinforcement). Push-pull relationships are addictive, sadly. But know that things won't get better, he's likely to just get more controlling as you get more enmeshed. I'd walk away from this one while you still can, because you'll be required to make more and more grand gestures to "prove" to your bf that you love him and are trustworthy - it won't stop with you alienating your ex-h, I imagine he'll just demand more and more. Mine certainly did, at least. It's hard to walk away from these relationships, but it may be the biggest gift you can give yourself.

On some level you want to be in a shit relationship with a controlling twat.

OP this your problem and the answer in a perfectly succinct form right here. You want it, and you have it. Be happy with it, or leave. Practically every other woman on the planet would leave, but you can do as you like. Just don't drag your kids into this mess, and don't sit here in 10 years and wonder where your lovely co-parenting thing (which, as you know, is best for your kids) has gone.

Thank you Greypaw your advice makes a lot of sense, I have read a bit on NPD since my ex said he sounds like one and yes some of the things sound like him, other things not so much so I'm not sure if he has NPD.

I have just been speaking on the phone with him for most of the last two hours and he says Im blaming him but everytime he breaks up with me its not really what he wants but he feels like he has no other option as he feels like I dont listen to him, I dont consider his feelings or opinion, I am too headstrong, he says that I always think my opinion is the right one but I dont think I really do that, he says I do I just wont admit it and I am such hard work and most men would have run out of patience with me long ago.

He says Im never going to be happy if Im not with him and we sort it out then Im just going to be the same with the next guy til he gets fed up and leaves. He says I have a warped sense of how a relationship should be because of my ex and how we were as even though we were together for 10 years things were not good for the last 5 at least and we were not truly a couple and we didnt share our thoughts and feelings with each other which he says is what most people do in relationships.

He says he does not want to control me, he wants us to be 50/50 but that at the moment I am calling all the shots and he just has to go along with it or leave, he says just wants to help me, I know Im messed up and I need therapy or something, I do have a lot of issues.

I am very confused right now as I know hes right on some things about me and that the problem is mostly with me. I dont want to give up on us, Ive never had what I have with him before with anyone.

None of the problem is you. It is all him. He is controlling and abusive, and is gas lighting you. He has no right to make any demands of you whatsoever re your relationships with your XH or anyone else.

You must get away from him, and to be honest it is only then you will get clarity. Your Dc are being damaged every day you continue a relationship with him. The best Christmas present you can give to them and yourself is to get rid.

Actually, the problem is you

You are engaging with this bilge.

Im just so confused because you are all telling me that hes controlling/abusive and to get rid but yet I just cant see that in him and so the problem must be with me, surely?

He says no other man would tolerate my ex still "sniffing around" (as he put it) and me allowing it to happen they would have been long gone. Its really not like that at all though but he wont listen.

Do you not see how offensive it is to say your ex is 'sniffing around'?

You and your ex are co-parenting. Effectively.

If you drop your ex, there will be someone else next you are not 'allowed' in your life. A friend, a work colleague. I bet you.

He would not stop until you have only him.

It's you. You love the drama. Carry on

I dont want to give up on us, Ive never had what I have with him before with anyone.

So you've never had a relationship with a controlling scumbag, you mean..

Some of the things he is coming out with are textbook manipulation- "nobody else would put up with you" "I'm the only one who can make you happy".. What a load of rubbish!

Nobody is going to admit they're being controlling, of course he denies it!

And re: you calling the shots; damn right you are. You SHOULD be the one calling the shots when it comes to who decides whether you want to be in a relationship or not. He isn't exactly being "50/50" with all his ultimatums and demands, is he?

You are lucky you don't have children with this man. You haven't been together long. GET OUT! If you don't he will slowly suck the life out of you. You'd be better off alone. You are worth more.

Please don't set this example to your DD as to how women should be treated in a relationship. What would you tell her to do if she was in this situation?

Why are you giving this tosspot any headspace? Your last two posts, since you wasted two hours of your life talking to him on the phone, are just a litany of 'he says .. ', 'he says .. '. Newflash: we don't give a toss what he says, and neither should you. The only thing you are doing wrong is entertaining this bullshit instead of blocking him and moving on.

His attitude towards your ex is just stupid. His attitude towards you is laughably stupid.

He says Im never going to be happy if Im not with him

Well you can't possibly be happy with him given the shit that he pulls on a regular basis, so why not take a chance that he's wrong about you being happy without him?

Just stop listening to him. He knows how to manipulate you. So create an environment in which he is not able to do that.

Well don't say you weren't warned.

You're determined to have all the drama you can. Best of luck with that.

Please, please get rid of this awful man.

Its really not like that at all though but he wont listen

He never will listen. He will never, ever believe you, no matter what you say.

It won't be long before he starts checking where you are. All the time. It won't be long before he decides that you can't be left alone, or go out when you want, or make phone calls, or see your friends and family.

He will never accept your reassurances. He is incapable of trusting anyone.

Your ex isn't 'sniffing around' at all is he? You are maintaining contact because he is your dcs father and contact is necessary. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Christ why are you feeding it, I'm knackered just reading your posts?

This early on it's supposed to be fun and loads of sex. Tell him to fuck off and block him, seriously.

The man you described sounds very much like a man I once knew who is a narcissist. All the behaviour you describe here just screams RED FLAG RED FLAG ALERT ALERT
This cycle will continue ad infinitum until you end it and walk away.

The narcissist I knew also had an abusive ex (they always do by the way), however the reality was that he was the abusive one! He told me that story so that I would be hooked in and feel sorry for him.
Additionally the intensity; marriage, children etc etc in the first 6 months is typical narcissist love bombing. A way to disarm you and reel you in.

Please get the support you need in going complete NO CONTACT.
Psychopath free is a great forum for support and information.
They are excellent liars and emotional manipulators also.

www.psychopathfree.com/

What Greypaw said.

the reason he's 'got under your skin' like no-one else is because he has narcissistic traits and that's what narcissists do.

Healthy people would be encouraging of their partners having a good relationship with their children's parents. It's the best thing for everyone. He is talking absolute bollocks that other men wouldn't put up with you and your ex being friends. This is so obviously the case. But he's still making you doubt yourself and blame yourself for his behaviours. This is exactly what he wants.

Please believe us, if you stay with this man it will fuck up your mental health. And possibly your life. I am not being dramatic, I work with people in these relationships all the time and they would all give anything to have been able to walk away in the early stages like you can now.

He's not your best friend. That wasn't the real him and you'll never get that man back, he's gone. This is the real him and I promise you he will only get worse.

Haha gamerchick, but it is fun, we just laugh together so much and we have loads of sex 95% of the time. I guess thats not good enough though if the 5% is so shit? Thats what I am finding sooo hard to give up when its good its amazing just when its bad its really bad!

I agree with Anony to be honest.

I think we will see OP back here in another 3/4 months when the cycle happens again.

Please at least keep your DC out of his way.

He's playing games. You may not be "begging" to get back with him but you certainly engage with his messing about. He says it's over and blocks you. Unblocks you to whine about how shit you are and how brilliant he is ("you'll never be happy unless you're with me, wtf!) so of course you feel the need to explain and defend yourself. He lets you believe he's acquiesced but really it's you doing the compromising. Then the whole cycle starts again when he wants more drama.

I absolutely guarantee if you cut contact completely with your ex (which you shouldn't of course, you have a coparent relationship with him which is vital) he would STILL make out you were in the wrong. He'd find something.

He IS controlling, and you're letting him do it.

Are you actually happy? Because all this breaking up and rowing and then talking and getting back together doesn't leave much time for actually living and enjoying it.

This is going to carry on for many many years to go. Good luck with all that. When he has finally robbed you of all your dignity, self respect and confidence, and you are ready to leave, do remember of this time which you have wasted when you had the opportunity.

*I have just been speaking on the phone with him for most of the last two hours and he says Im blaming him but everytime he breaks up with me its not really what he wants but he feels like he has no other option as he feels like I dont listen to him, I dont consider his feelings or opinion, I am too headstrong, he says that I always think my opinion is the right one but I dont think I really do that, he says I do I just wont admit it and I am such hard work and most men would have run out of patience with me long ago.

He says Im never going to be happy if Im not with him and we sort it out then Im just going to be the same with the next guy til he gets fed up and leaves. He says I have a warped sense of how a relationship should be because of my ex and how we were as even though we were together for 10 years things were not good for the last 5 at least and we were not truly a couple and we didnt share our thoughts and feelings with each other which he says is what most people do in relationships.

He says he does not want to control me, he wants us to be 50/50 but that at the moment I am calling all the shots and he just has to go along with it or leave, he says just wants to help me, I know Im messed up and I need therapy or something, I do have a lot of issues.

I am very confused right now as I know hes right on some things about me and that the problem is mostly with me. I dont want to give up on us, Ive never had what I have with him before with anyone.*

This man is is putting all the blame on you for his behaviour. His behaviour is to withdraw, discard and punish. Then blame you. Can't you see that in what you've written. This isn't a dialogue, this is him reciting a litany of what is wrong with you. And probably making out as if it's for your own good. The confusion you feel is because this man is toxic. You are being gas lighted and conditioned to feel that you are in the wrong.
You are caught in a toxic dynamic which isn't going to end well for you unless you walk away. Actually I would hazard a guess and say this man doesn't actually care about you or your feelings.
Is this really what you want in a relationship and what you want your life to be. To be honest it sounds like you're completely addicted to the man and the drama.

Good gracious.

Your poor children.

I am addicted to him yes but not the drama, the drama I cant take, I had a look at the website and did the test thing but all the bad things on that test are things he says I do to him! So I am now thinking what if I am the one with NPD or similar personality disorder and not him at all? and I just dont realise it?