Is he just going to keep breaking up with me?

[Username789]

So my boyfriend of only 6 months has now broke up with 3 times already!

Each time we very quickly get back together, with hours or a day, the thing is we do not argue when he does this he just thinks I am getting fed up with him and going to break up with him so he runs. He has said he doesn't feel good enough for me and he's a bit insecure and he does not want to be hurt.

I realise how childish this sounds, I am 37 and he is 40 though, both of us have children from previous relationships.

So he just broke up with me again for the 3rd time a few days ago and I thought to myself: this is it, there is no way I'm taking him back this time, I am not going to be a fool. However we talked via messaging and we decided to get back together and he is coming over tonight. He has said he will not run away again, that he will talk to me instead.

I just don't want to keep going round in circles it's not healthy and I feel a bit unstable in the relationship as its only been 6 months and all this drama!

I obviously love him very much, he makes me laugh so so much, I can be myself around him, he is very kind and caring, he is a great lover, he is like my best friend now - it was pretty intense from the beginning.

I want to try again one more time I just don't know if it is wise to do so? Any advice please?

You are pathetic. You love all this. You should be embarassed.

Sorry didn't mean that copy and paste all of that text!

Why am I pathetic? Why should I be embarrassed? I really dont get what you mean?

1. Narcissists project all their behaviours onto other people, mostly significant others. Therefore it makes sense that he accuses you of the things that he himself is doing.

1. That is the reason that the experience of the relationship is so confusing, causing you to doubt yourself, question yourself, 'what if I am the one with the problem?'

This is what he wants you to think. It's a control tactic. It keeps you feel confused and therefore controllable. It is called gas lighting and crazy-making.

1. Narcissists don't generally question whether they are narcissists. They don't think there is anything wrong with them. The fact that you question yourself suggests that you are not a narcissist.

1. Consciously you may say, 'I am not addicted to the drama'. You might even mean it. You may hate the anxiety you feel, the confusion and the hurt.

However, your body and your nervous system is getting addicted to the constant highs and lows of the drama cycle. As your body will be releasing all sorts of stress chemicals into your body. You can get addicted to the chemical 'high' of this kind of unstable, on/off, insecure relationship. It is conditioning. When he is 'nice' again and you take him back and it's all okay for a day or so, you will feel the relief and the high again.

You really aren't listening to everyone on this thread at all, are you?

All the bad things on that test are things he says I do to him. Of course he is going to say that it isn't him, and that the problem is you. He is never going to admit to being an abusive bastard is he?

He is gaslighting you and making you doubt everything about yourself. He is making you believe that it is you who has the problem and only he can jump on his white steed and save you from yourself.

For Christ's sake get rid of him now, while you still can, before he breaks you completely.

Come on, listen to yourself! You've been in this headfuck of a relationship for 6 months and now you're diagnosing yourself with a personality disorder? Really? This is a pervasive condition that affects a persons whole life, what's the evidence that you have this other than what's he's said?

Op have a look at this site:

datingasociopath.com

Hope the link works. I went out with a guy during the summer and looking back I would say it was 50% good 50% bad. When it was good it was fantastic. It got intense very quickly because he love bombed me, something I'd never experienced before and had never heard of.

We only dated for 3 months. But the bad times got worse and he started with the 'dumping' thing. After the last dumping I refused to let him come back. I've since done a lot of reading on narcissists and sociopaths and now realise he is one although he doesn't fit all the traits.

What you have described here sounds eerily similar to how my ex behaved. I know your relationship feels intense to you but it sounds like it's on a slippery slope and it will descend into absolute chaos if you let it.

Also look up 'love addiction'. It sounds like you're addicted to the highs of your relationship and are putting up with the bad times just to reach these highs again. It's incredibly self destructive. Good luck.

What ever you do don't ruin the relationship you have with your ex for this arsehole. Your DD needs you two to have a strong healthy relationship and you are willing to fuck that up for this idiot?

Block him on all social media, get a new phone number if needs be so he can't contact you. Take some pride in yourself and realise that everything he says and does is a ploy to keep control over you and make you feel like you need him, which you don't.

Don't let him come to your home, if he does just inform him (through a closed door) that he is not welcome, don't engage with him, don't listen to him, DONT TAKE HIM BACK!!! He will destroy your relationships and your confidence, the best thing you can do for yourself and your DD is get rid of him.

He'll dump you on Christmas day because of some imagined interaction with your childs father. For the love of God I hope your child/children have no contact with this man!

Oh dear. You have completely got sucked in by a narcissist. You're questioning yourself. Read back through your posts. All he says is me, myself and I.

Ditch this wanker before he destroys you completely.

And post-narcissist recovery means no contact what-so-ever! None, NONE!

Listen to us ffs x

This is one of the most frustrating threads I have ever read on here. There's no point saying anything else

There is drama. You feel confused. You let him talk to you for hours. You feel more confused. You engage more with his point view. You doubt yourself. Still you go back to him, or let him back or whatever.

You are addicted to the drama!

You are the problem.
He is the problem.
What does it matter?

You recognise there is a problem. This is a problem specific to this relationship.

It's pretty clear how to get rid of the problem.

Go no contact. Learn to think for yourself again, before you lose the skill. Find some distractions which aren't addictive!

Go no contact!!

Without wanting to sound like an armchair psychologist, he sounds as if he has an insecure attachment. He's either over keen or pushing you away at the first sign of conflict.

This will be really tough to live with if you decide to continue. He won't be able to change unless he wants to and works at it, it's a very inbuilt self protection response. He desperately wants love and affection but cannot stand any form of rejection such as a routine disagreement.

He needs to accept this is a problem and look for help. If he won't so this and just promises to change I would be very wary about continuing. If you did have children together he would still have this unhealthy attachment pattern and could be very harmful. Sorry if that sounds tough but he does sound really damaged.

I'm not sure if anyone has said this but you need to leave him. He is a destructive element to your relationship with your ex and your child who will be seeing all this drama.

And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone making so many demands? What would you say if one of his demands was that you stop seeing your child and sign her over to your ex?

Because that could be next. He hates everything about your ex, and he knows while your child is around your ex will always be there.

Honestly this sounds like a really dangerous situation for you and your child.

Hmmm, you say you don't want drama but that is exactly what you're giving him. It's not going to stop by magic is it?

I don't like drama and I'd not have taken him back the second time he dumped me (actually not even after the first time, but I'm trying to be generous). My DC need me to put them first, not be engaging with some overly dramatic idiot who thinks he can tell me what to do and how to behave.

Yes, what CharlotteCollins said.

What difference does it make which one of you is the problem. The fact is, there is a problem, and the relationship isn't working, so end it.

You can't have no contact with your ex - you have a child together. So, who are you going to put first? Your child, or your BF? Because going no contact with your ex, as your BF wants, is putting the wants of your BF above the needs of your DD.

Can you really not see how controlling he is? He wants to 'help you'? Why does he think he's qualified to give you that help? You only been together a few months, he doesn't know you yet and he's not a psychologist. This thread is so frustrating and also bringing back horrible memories.

Isn't the definition of madness continuing to do the same thing but expecting a different result?

Good luck OP. You're going to need it.

Frankly OP if he's got you at the stage of questioning your own mind in just a few months than that is incredibly worrying. Please take a few days of no contact to clear your head a bit, if he wants to 'help you' he should agree it's a good idea. Even if you can't see the abuse in your relationship surely you can see that it's dysfunctional and therefore unhealthy.

OP, you have no dignity. I understand the sex is good and he makes you laugh but he treats you like a thing. Also why would you confine in him about what you do with you ex? You just create enemies by talking too much. Think of your child first and you have a great relationship with your X.

You come here, ask for an advice and then just completely disregard it because sex is so good with him. He is clearly not right in his head and people are trying to open your eyes as early as possible. I would understand you you were a teenager because they have "no brains" when it comes to relationships but you are nearly 40!

Think of your daughter first and don't destroy your good relationship with your X because your daughter will not forgive you this. She will not understand how her mum put sex with some psycho on first place.

I am taking on board what you are all saying so thank you all it is sinking in.

I told him what happened with my ex because he demanded to know exactly what was said and done between us, almost word for word as much as I could remember anyway, he makes me feel like I have done something terrible and I have to justify everything.

That's not on what I just wrote right there, I know that!

going no contact with your ex, as your BF wants, is putting the wants of your BF above the needs of your DD

This

He's not saying no contact with my ex, he says he will compromise and he went OTT before, he says he doesnt want him coming round for coffee and chats and hugs etc when our DD is not there he says there is no need and hes right, i really cant stand being around my ex for too long and the less time I spend with him the better, but says he is fine with him coming in for coffee when he drops our DD home, he says he just wants me to have better boundaries with my ex, that I still rely on him too much.

Arrrgh I just dont know because he can sound so reasonable most of the time when we are talking its just the odd thing that makes me think: wait,what?!