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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he just going to keep breaking up with me?

249 replies

Username789 · 26/10/2016 14:15

So my boyfriend of only 6 months has now broke up with 3 times already!

Each time we very quickly get back together, with hours or a day, the thing is we do not argue when he does this he just thinks I am getting fed up with him and going to break up with him so he runs. He has said he doesn't feel good enough for me and he's a bit insecure and he does not want to be hurt.

I realise how childish this sounds, I am 37 and he is 40 though, both of us have children from previous relationships.

So he just broke up with me again for the 3rd time a few days ago and I thought to myself: this is it, there is no way I'm taking him back this time, I am not going to be a fool. However we talked via messaging and we decided to get back together and he is coming over tonight. He has said he will not run away again, that he will talk to me instead.

I just don't want to keep going round in circles it's not healthy and I feel a bit unstable in the relationship as its only been 6 months and all this drama!

I obviously love him very much, he makes me laugh so so much, I can be myself around him, he is very kind and caring, he is a great lover, he is like my best friend now - it was pretty intense from the beginning.

I want to try again one more time I just don't know if it is wise to do so? Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Username789 · 26/10/2016 17:00

I'm seriously thinking about ending it, I just don't think I can live like this however much I want it to work.

OP posts:
purplefox · 26/10/2016 17:03

I dated someone like this for 2+ years, they were a commitmentphobe with massive anxiety issues and constantly chose to run away. So my advice would be to get out now, at 6 months, rather than wasting years and ending up regretting it. He isn't going to change, no matter how much you try to help, be understanding and talk through his issues.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 26/10/2016 21:33

That's not necessarily true purple. I have changed a lot, I'm in counselling to try and help me deal with things from my past that affect how I react to things and DP has changed a lot too.

User, if your DP wants to try and improve himself and the relationship then it can work, but if you're already half way out the door then maybe not.

Just bear in mind that at our age we all have a bit of baggage and if everything is great in between times, it could be fixed. Obviously I'm not saying you have to put in a load of effort if it's not right for you, but personally I can't imagine life without my DP so I will do whatever it takes to sort it out. Without that commitment from you both then it is probably best to move on.

BlueFolly · 26/10/2016 21:42

Marriage and babies after 6 months sounds a bit much!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2016 21:55

Oh dear god, he has known you for 6 months, thinks you are perfect, wants marriage and babies, has dumped you 3 times, has told you all about his crazy ex, has already convinced you to do the opposite of what you had decided was best to do, and you are posting on the Mumsnet Relationships board.

Run.

Dozer · 26/10/2016 21:59

Yes, run for the hills!

Even setting aside the regular dumpings it all sounds OTT. He is not your best friend, he's a fairly new bf who hasn't treated you at all well.

Hissy · 26/10/2016 23:23

I was where you were 2 years ago. He utterly broke my heart doing and saying exactly what your bf is doing.

If not for the having a kid with you comment (mine had had the snip) I'd have sworn it was the same man.

Trust me, I know how this film ends, take control now and do what you know you must do

You will eventually get over him.

Hissy · 26/10/2016 23:23

I strongly suspect my ex had bi polar disorder

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 26/10/2016 23:41

My DP does/did this, and one of my friends used to do this too. I don't think it is necessarily the end OP, but it is a serious thing for your relationship. If it carries on there will be no relationship left, as you cannot live with this much insecurity.

My friend married her man, but had dumped him four times before then. She went to counseling and admitted there was something wrong with how she was acting. She is honestly a great, loving, stable woman. Now she does not do this anymore.

My DP did this every 6 months for a few years! It does destroy the relationship. We split up/separated for several months mostly because of this, he went to counseling etc. We are trying to see if we are able to rebuild things, but I need to see that he will make me completely secure. He has also done this in the past, nearly ditched his degree.

He sent me some articles linking this kind of 'flight' behaviour to those with his kind of background, similar to your DPs OP, of abuse. However, this doesn't make it any easier for you.

I'd ask yourself, does he come with a lot of baggage and problems aside from this? It does sound, with a EA Ex and kids, that this might be a lot for you to take on by itself. The intensity of it makes your relationship weak, and not strong long term. Don't, whatever you do, make any long term commitment on marriage and kids until you can either see a very clear sorting out of this from his side. Unfortunately, that probably means you ending your relationship with him, and meaning it. He can only tackle this on his own.

Flyingbellycopters · 27/10/2016 01:02

Two years of an on off relationship for me. Always issue with our work or our kids or exes. Always thought the complications of life were in way so we never got chance and was always thinking it was wrong timing and if we'd met before kids or when work hours were less or just less baggage we would have a chance. He Always found reason to finish it and I always took him back.
Then realised after a lovely relaxing time when I wasn't working and when kids had long holiday with their dad and he still found an excuse to sabotage that it was time to give up and move on.
Tell him this is last time - if you really think he has issues and want to give him another chance - but you don't want someone who can't manage to work through arguments or whatever without finishing with you. And if it happens again then you just aren't interested.
Good luck.

Dozer · 27/10/2016 06:34

His issues are not your problem. If as it seems his issues mean he can't or won't be a good bf then you're much better off without him.

Canyousewcushions · 27/10/2016 07:20

It takes a lot to get over an EA relationship.

If he's really your 'best friend' and potential marriage and children material then counselling is probably needed and making sure he talks is also vital. But he will be damaged by it and it can take a looooooooong time to get through that. My DH stuck with me despite my hang ups, I learned to trust again and am eternally grateful to him for being same and rational when I wasn't. (tho I never dumped him, had moments of totally irrational needy jealousy which previous EA boyfriend had trained into me. Can't quite believe how lucky I was that DH didn't just run off)

However, it's worth looking after yourself. If you can cope with his issues and you think he's worth it then fine. But if he, in turn will damage you and your perception of relationships then it's worth thinking very about whether you should stick with it.

LittleTripToHeaven · 27/10/2016 07:24

All talk of marriage and children after only 6 months?!!

Far, far too much. 6 months is nothing at all.

This man has clearly had a traumatic background. I have too and I understand the "I can't do this!" flight response. But he has a responsibility to you, or anyone else he dates, to not let it impact on anyone else.

PoldarksBreeches · 27/10/2016 07:28

He should get therapy for himself before he dates anyone. It's irresponsible to treat people the way he is doing.

Original poster
Username789 · 31/10/2016 12:22

You guys were so right, he has just broke up with me yet again after just a few lovely days back together because he thinks I'm still hung up on my ex (I am so not). I cannot reason with him.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 31/10/2016 12:38

This time go properly no contact for at least a month.

Don't get into any conversations with him about anything.

I'm sorry he has done it again Flowers

whatsagoodusername · 31/10/2016 12:49

End it.

I had a boyfriend who did this - six times over ten months. It has ruined my confidence. I have a lovely DH now, all very stable, and I can't get away from the feeling it's all going to end because that's just what happens.

All is great, oh actually, we are through. Actually, I've changed my mind.... Actually....

Ex still tried to come back two or three times after I'd had enough.

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2016 12:59

You've got to block him now & go NC. You deserve so much more. Him talking of marriage & kids after only 6 months would have been a massive red flag. Sure you'll be all the much better & wiser for going through this. Good luck

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2016 13:48

Block
Ignore
Delete
Move on
He's a total cock.

Hissy · 31/10/2016 17:26

YOU need to be the one to end this

Once and for all.

You deserve so much more than this.

Original poster
Username789 · 31/10/2016 17:30

He's now saying the only way he can trust me is if i meet his demands re my ex, him getting all his stuff out my house which is fair enough, him not coming in the house and only contact between us regarding our daughter.

These are things that I agreed to do to keep him a month ago when we broke up but have not really happened so now he thinks he cant trust me however much I reassure him that me and my ex are not getting back together he says that's not the point!

My ex just wants us to have a friendly relationship for our daughters sake and we have no ill will between us I find it very hard to do those things but I can see where my current boyfriend is coming from, he shouldn't really still have stuff in my house and shed I guess.

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 31/10/2016 17:41

Fgs woman grow a pair of ovaries. Your boyfriend is a controlling, immature bullying twat and no bloody good.

doji · 31/10/2016 17:47

He is being hugely unreasonable. Having a good relationship with your ex is massively important for your daughter's sake. Prioritise her over this insecure manchild and let him stay dumped this time.

ElspethFlashman · 31/10/2016 17:50

Wow.

You're really desperate for a boyfriend I guess.....

Myusernameismyusername · 31/10/2016 18:14

If you do these things it still won't be enough to make him happy

Think of his soul like a giant gaping black hole, that can't be filled up

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