Is he just going to keep breaking up with me?

[Username789]

So my boyfriend of only 6 months has now broke up with 3 times already!

Each time we very quickly get back together, with hours or a day, the thing is we do not argue when he does this he just thinks I am getting fed up with him and going to break up with him so he runs. He has said he doesn't feel good enough for me and he's a bit insecure and he does not want to be hurt.

I realise how childish this sounds, I am 37 and he is 40 though, both of us have children from previous relationships.

So he just broke up with me again for the 3rd time a few days ago and I thought to myself: this is it, there is no way I'm taking him back this time, I am not going to be a fool. However we talked via messaging and we decided to get back together and he is coming over tonight. He has said he will not run away again, that he will talk to me instead.

I just don't want to keep going round in circles it's not healthy and I feel a bit unstable in the relationship as its only been 6 months and all this drama!

I obviously love him very much, he makes me laugh so so much, I can be myself around him, he is very kind and caring, he is a great lover, he is like my best friend now - it was pretty intense from the beginning.

I want to try again one more time I just don't know if it is wise to do so? Any advice please?

Well you keep dong the same thing and getting the same result. What does that tell you?

He isn't insecure. He's a controlling prick. But you keep letting him do this, so I'm not sure what you want people to say.

Do you like the drama or something? 5 times now! He's an arsehole. An immature attention seeking areshole. He doesn't listen to you and is trying to run your life and for what? So he can trust you? When you've done what he wants he'll find something else, pretty soon you'll have to account for every text you receive and every minute of your day. Why are you even talking to him when he treats you like you're the one with the problem? It's not you it's him!

This is ridiculous. He has proven to you now he is a paranoid controlling nutter. Don't waste another minute of your life on him. It won't get better and in fact it'll only get worse. And then he'll be trying to tell your DD what she can do and where she can go.

Reading the heading I thought the OP was going to be a 15 year old girl. Hun , clearly this guy still thinks he is a kid and acts like one, a grown up relationship isn't possible here by the looks of it.

You can stay away from him, you're choosing not to. It actually feels like you're revelling in all the drama

Might be worthwhile reading up on borderline personality disorder, OP.
Especially the impulsivity and relationship behaviours.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/#.WEbX-cLfWEc

seriously?!!? after everything you went through you somehow decided to give in pat him on the head and tell him you will do whatever he wants you to do ...yep hows that working out for you so far? feeling loved, secure and cherished yet?

You are not in a relationship, you are being controlled by a man who is acting like a spoiled toddler.
Seriously the vast majority of grown ups have good relationships with their Ex's. Especially when there are children involved. That's what they aim for and how it should be with adults.
But don't worry , i'm sure it will soon be your fault and it will get put to one side while you beg him to take you back. Then you have the next few months to looking forward to - -
Why are you bothering with your hair so much, i like it the way it is...who are you trying to impress...You like people looking at you because you like that it makes me feel bad...I wouldn't act like this if you were not so inconsiderate..Why did it take you so long to do the school drop off... i don't like it when you keep secrets from me...Your friend A Doesn't like me..It makes me uncomfortable when you spend time with A..If you cared about me you wouldn't put A's feelings in front of mine...

Seriously you are the one causing this. He has shown you time and time again what he is like and each time YOU make excuses and go begging to be taken back.
Then soon you will be a shadow of your former self and catch yourself in a clothes shop trying to decide if it will put him in a bad mood and cause an argument if you buy yourself a jumper as you don't know if he will like it or not or if he will go off on one and accuse you of dressing up for someone else.

What a life to go begging for and what a wonderful lesson to pass on to children about self respect and relationships, watching their mother grovel and cut contact with their dad to please her new man.

I know this is harsh but you really do need to wake up here op.

I have not been begging him back, he has been the one practically begging me back everytime.

I do not like the drama at all, I hate it, he says he has zero tolerance for my ex because he thinks he has tried to break us up and wont stop til he has.

Why I think that I am partly to blame;

I have been confiding in my ex about him particularly when he breaks up with me (which I know I shouldn't be doing and I have apologised for that and told him I will not confide in my ex about us again) and my ex thinks he is a narcissist and I should stay well away and my ex gave me a hug a few times and a kiss on the head.

This is what he is not happy about which is why I said I wouldnt confide in him again and I would have nothing to do with him except about our DD but then the car breaking down and me accepting his help felt like I stabbed him in the back.

He also brought my daughter a toy which my ex said he doesnt want her having and he said its leg fell off (?) so he took it back to the shop

What Im trying to say is that what if I am the one to blame and he has a point which is why he keeps overreacting in my eyes but not in his?

Your ex is right. You should stay well away.

When he dumps you... what you do is none of his business - whether that's sleep with 1 million men, remain celibate the rest of your life or... talk to your other ex. It's totally up to you.

I don't think you're to 'blame', but I do think you're giving him a certain message and that message is 'It's OK to break up with me whenever you want as when you beg and wear me down, I'll take you back and promise not to talk to my ex..... feel free to break up with me again and again and again as I'll continue to take you back'

No normal person would continually dump you and then beg you to be with them again - He's doing it as he likes the control. When he dumps you and then begs you to get back together you seem to agree to lots of controlling things - which suggests you still have feelings for him. If you didn't, you would surely tell him 'No' and ignore all his attempts to get back together?

I don't believe he cares for you, but I do believe he enjoys the control.

How does he know so much about your relationship with your ex eg the hugs and kisses?

Anyway I cannot think of a single reason why you are giving this horrible man the time of day, let alone putting up with his on off nonsense.

He's controlling you. Gradually chipping away at your self esteem, testing your boundaries, making you feel like the bad guy. You keep taking him back, each time you do you will see his demands increase. It's an abusive relationship. Run before you get even more sucked in.

The car was to do with your DD. You need it to get her to school. Your ex obviously wants her to get to school, everyday, so has made sure she has the means. If that also means you get to drive to the shops, well that is a bonus for you.

Your DD owned a toy that broke, and her father took it to the shop to complain. Her father! What is wrong with that?

Your BF is a controlling prick. It's not you, it's him.

But if you keep going like this, you will be the one with the MH problems. You will be the one that is too anxious to do anything, because you are worried about his reaction.

Seriously. You are already questioning yourself. Run! He doesn't love you, and he isn't good for you. Run!

Yes obviously I have very strong feelings for him, I have confronted him that it feels like hes trying to control me and it is just not my nature to be a bitch to anyone even my ex and I am too laid back to start demanding he not come in the house etc.

He says I either chose him or my ex but to me its not like that, I just wont be given ultimatums and forced to do things that are not in my nature. I am really trying to see his point of view on this, he says he is not being controlling at all and that I dont consider his feelings and the fact that he says he is not ok with my ex being around should be enough for me to agree.

This is all got so complicated and I am very confused what I should be doing right now, I now I sound pathetic!

Oh FFS. Time to have some self respect before you really get sucked in. He's worked his tricks on you very well!
He's no good for you, you've only known him a few months.

Idodo, I told him about me confiding in my ex and the hugs etc.

Me and my ex both know we are never getting back together but obviously we still have some sort of connection, we were together for 10 years! He has no reason to feel insecure or jealous and he says he doesnt it was the fact that I agreed to something then went back on it which he cant handle.

On some level you want to be in a shit relationship with a controlling twat. We all said it was ridiculous when he had finished with you 3 times and now it's 5. What do you want us to say?

Why would you tell him the details of what you did with your ex? It's none of his business.

You need to walk away it's just not going to work. I used to push away my DP in the.m beginning because I had been treated so badly in the past, we discussed and it never happened again. This man isn't doing this through insecurity or fear, from what you describe in later posts it sounds to come from a controlling place.

If you had an open discussion about why and then two days later he did it again, I think you just need to walk away for your own sanity otherwise your going to end up spending this relationship not knowing whether your coming or going, it is going to end up screwing with your head.

Dude, I want to be kind to you. This sounds exhausting.

The thing is, things are meant to be easy and fun in the first six months. This isn't, it's ridiculous.

Has your daughter met this man? If she hasn't, for heaven's sake, don't introduce them. A man who keeps popping up and then breaking up with you will do her (and you) no good whatsoever.

I actually think it is important to consider why you have put up with this so far. It may be that it seems exciting and romantic - life with a child / children isn't either so I can see how that would appeal.

However, you need to decide what is actually best for you (and your daughter), without considering this man's needs. You have an amicable relationship with your ex? Super! A man who fixes the mother of his child's car sounds a sensible person. There is no reason why you should cut this person out of your life (as far as I know).

All this blowing hot and cold is designed to put you in your place and cut you off from the people around you who can see that his behaviour is strange.

For goodness sake send this emotional retard on his way! - do you really want to live like this? I am sure there is someone better for you out here.

How can you possibly have strong feels for such a person? Unless it is strong feelings of loathing.

Regardless of what you claim, only a total.drama llama would be listening to this guy.

Oh my, I had a bf like this. He also told me his ex was abusive and violent, but I don't know what to believe now. The issue with my ex was that he had Borderline Personality Disorder (according to my psychologist he also had strong NPD traits), and with that came an utter terror of abandonment. If he thought I was going to leave him he'd get in there and dump me first to prevent the pain of abandonment. He'd then give me the silent treatment for weeks at a time, while smearing me to his family and usually hitting on someone else. I did come to suspect he was engineering the break-ups when he was interested in pursuing someone else, then coming back when it didn't work.

In between times he was proposing to me, wanting to have babies, telling me I was the love of his life, promising to talk to me before dumping me again, blah blah blah. It's called love-bombing, and it's a red flag.

In the beginning I felt I'd have been being flaky if I'd ended the relationship; I felt I ought to stick around and be more understanding, that once he realised I represented stability it would be ok. After being let down a few times times though (my one dumped me every three months), I decided that it shouldn't be all about what he needed, because I had needs too that weren't being met. Fundamentally I needed to feel secure in my relationship, and after being dumped three or four times there was no way I'd ever have that security.

At times I wish I'd been more noble and had more faith. But then I have this memory of sitting at my computer one day, wanting to book tickets to a show at the theatre six weeks in advance, and being unable to do it because I didn't know if he'd still be talking to me when the date came round. It's just not the way I wanted to live. Maybe some people are more stoic than this, but I figure that if someone can look me in the eye and see my pain when they tell me they're leaving, and if they can do that over and over again, they're not the person for me. In the end, it was rather empowering to make the decision not to have that pain in my life anymore.