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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

267 replies

Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 09:28

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 17/10/2016 09:33

So your kids weren't happy, and you moved out saying you'd always choose your kids over him.......then you moved back in with him and it's gone bad again.

How are you currently choosing your kids over him exactly?

pointythings · 17/10/2016 09:36

So he promised to change and broke his promises. He has now had his chance, time to leave permanently. Put your DCs first and stick to that.

FRETGNIKCUF · 17/10/2016 09:38

He's bad for all of you including his own kids.

hesterton · 17/10/2016 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/10/2016 09:43

How did he talk you round? You're always going to choose your children over him, right?

Ifounddory · 17/10/2016 09:44

there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him.

Get out again and stay out. He has form for DA, he has form for treating your DS badly.

You choose your DC once again and you get out. He had his chance and he screwed it up.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 09:44

Yep you are all right. One of the reasons I took him back on his false promises was that I needed surgery and needed him to help. I had my surgery last week and I'm not able to do anything for 6 weeks, not even lift the kettle, I'm in a lot of pain and he started a big argument with me last night then this morning made himself a coffee and went out to drop kids off and go to work leaving me alone all day with nothing prepared for me. I prob sound pathetic but he is supposed to be looking after me.

OP posts:
Ifounddory · 17/10/2016 09:46

He is an utter twat. This update makes me sad. He has used your health as an excuse to get you back. Please get support from other around you and get out as soon as you are able. If he can't even make you a drink when you literally can't do it yourself he is never going to be the caring partner or father you and your DC deserve.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 09:49

I also took him back because we went to a session with a relationship counsellor who seemed to take his side, he started telling her I'm controlling and I don't let him go out (this isn't true). I came out of there with my head spinning so decided if I tried really hard I could make it work, we are supposed to be a family after all, unfortunately it's takes 2 to make it work and his false efforts obviously were not enough.

OP posts:
OhNoNotMyBaby · 17/10/2016 09:53

I'm very sad for you OP, but you know that you were right to leave him before, and you need to do it again.

He went out all day leaving you alone with nothing, no food, no drink - knowing you are incapable of getting these for yourself.

He is abusing (emotionally) your 2 elder DCs.

Those reasons are all you need. I know it's shit. I know it's awful. But you know that you have to do it. Have a Brew and some Cake. And start planning.

ChuckBiscuits · 17/10/2016 09:53

Yeah - he isn't is he?

Don't let this continue - your kids need a better home life than this.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 09:59

This is huge, I don't think I have the strength to go through it all again, I know I have to and I also want to but I can't even stand up straight, how the hell am I supposed to leave him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 10:02

He has just come back to the house, I'm lying on the sofa, he completely ignored me, used the toilet, went into the kitchen then left again, slamming the door on his way out.

OP posts:
FRETGNIKCUF · 17/10/2016 10:03

Whilst you're resting plan your future.

In a weird way he'll make it easier for you as he'll be a selfish dick whilst you need him most.

Whyiseverynameinuse · 17/10/2016 10:05

I'm so sorry this is happening OP - horrible situation for you and your DC. Everything I've read about domestic abuse says relationship counselling won't work with an abusive partner. They twist all the facts and manipulate the counsellor to be on 'their side'. I suspect this is why it didn't work. Call women's aid, read some websites and get yourself informed. Then plan to get rid of him. You've got 6 weeks - can you use that time to get things started? Good luck - it sounds like you're going to make the right decision for you and your dc.

sianihedgehog · 17/10/2016 10:08

I don't think you have a choice about whether to do it or not, OP, so perhaps it'd be better to just start figuring out the practicalities?
Have you got all your paperwork together? Have you got your own money?
Have you got a friend who can help with moving?

Rockingaround · 17/10/2016 10:08

What was the argument about last night? I'm just trying to figure out the context for his appalling behaviour this morning. Could anyone pop round for a cuppa with you today? Xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2016 10:09

This individual is neither use nor ornament to you. He simply tricked you into moving back in and has used your health problems against you also. You need to leave him again and besides which you want to anyway. This is no life for you or your children who he is also abusing here.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type present within the relationship. Not surprisingly this individual manipulated this counsellor and told her a pack of lies. Its absolutely no point at all in doing any more joint sessions with him.

If counselling is to be done then it needs to be done on your own. I would also call Womens Aid in your circumstances too.

Are there no family or friends you can enlist the help of?.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 10:10

But I don't want my DC witnessing or being subject to anymore negative atmospheres or situations or to be the at the receiving end of his bad moods for 6 more weeks. When he left this morning he asked me if he should ask his mum if he could go back there, I said I think that was for the best then he started blaming me for always taking my son side even when he's in the wrong. I then received a text message saying I can't see what's right in front of me. I don't think you will actually go to his mums but even if you did I don't know how I would look after myself and all the children at the moment. There is always an atmosphere when he is here and I feel like me and the kids walk on eggshells but I don't know if that's all in my head .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 10:12

*he not you!

OP posts:
Millionreasons · 17/10/2016 10:12

The way he is treating you while you are sick is disgusting in itself. Makes me so relieved to be single as I can just see how exh would be exactly the same in that situation.

You don't have to leave him while you are still recovering from your op. Why don't you start making firm plans for what you are going to do?

Millionreasons · 17/10/2016 10:14

Cross post there. What does he propose you do if he goes back to his mum's?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2016 10:14

You feel like your children and you walk on eggshells because you all do infact walk on eggshells around him. His actions are all about power and control and that is what abuse is all about.

He wants to mess with your head and wants to get into it, his actions are all typical of what abusers do. What you are seeing here is all very real and is not in your head.

Original poster
Tryingmybest4them · 17/10/2016 10:14

Am I wrong to think that step parents need to earn the respect of their step children? Everywhere I look I seem to see problems with the step relationship but it's usually the adult acting like a selfish self absorbed child. Someone please tell me I'm wrong!

OP posts:
SantinoRice · 17/10/2016 10:16

This sounds like an awful situation, OP. And you know you have to get rid of him. It's not all in your head.

Right now you only "want" him there as you need help for the next 6 weeks, but it doesn't sound like he's being very helpful. Is there anyone else that could help? What would you do if he was dead? I am not suggesting you actually kill him Smile but you are setting yourself up for 6 weeks of this crap if you think you can depend on him at all.

You need to call in some favours. Plan around him. Are there any friends that can take turns in helping? Are your parents around? Anyone that you can ship the kids off to? You can do this Flowers I'm sorry you have to though Sad