Is it me? DH probs with my Son continue, he says it's all me.

[Tryingmybest4them]

Hi everyone
Apologies in advance as this may be long and disjointed...
I have 4 lovely DC all under 10 yrs old, my eldest DC are from exDH and i remarried and had youngest 2 DC with DH. Just to give some background DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.
I met DH when my eldest dc were 1 and 3, as far as they can remember they don't remember a time before he was in our lives. DH had a very strict authoritarian style upbringing and has always been very set in his ways and strict with his parenting style with dc's 1&2 which in the beginning I went along with under some distorted view that he was trying to help and I didn't want to upset him I suppose. He also is very closed emotionally and doesn't seem to have empathy for others. Anyway sine dc's 3&4 have been born I have noticed a difference in the expectations and the way he treats them being his own children to the way he is with DC 1&2. It's mainly with dc2 who is a typical 8 year old boy and doesn't listen or follow instructions instantly, he's a cheeky chap with a very lovely big personality but he just seems to rub DH up the wrong way. I left DH earlier this year because my DC 1&2 were not happy (there is prevoius possible DA) and I told him I will always choose my DC over him. He eventually talked me round, I could see his point of view and realised it was me in the wrong too, he feels pushed out so he promised to try to build a better relationship with my ds, he moved back in and all was great for a few weeks but now it's slipping back to the way it was.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

Hi trying, get them in pre-school they will get do much out of it and you won't have to worry about arsey MIL. It's funny how quick mils can change towards you when you split/fall out, before me and Dh got married we had a big fall out and split up and mil really shown her true colours - when we got back together I couldn't be the sane with her again.

Have you got any good pre- schools near you?

I've just read your whole thread OP and it all sounds so very familiar.

Keep on keeping on - it gets easier.

Block him and all his associates on FB - you don't need to know that crap.

They already go to preschool 3 times a week, mil has them on Mondays as DH wanted her to bond with DC, he also didn't want to pay anymore childcare although he has never paid a penny towards it anyway!
DC love their preschool, I know they would be happier to just go there 4 days while I'm at work and then I wouldn't have to drop off and pick up with mil so win win!
I know DH will take this as in insult though and probably kick off about it.
Mil really is quite poisonous, I've never liked her, she is not the warm cuddly grandma you wish for DC, she is very hard faced.

I know I should block in fb, I will do it, I just need to get better and get my life back.

I'm hoping to go back to work next week, I love my job and I've really missed it.

I have a mediation appointment on Thursday and a solicitors appointment on Friday, I just want to move on.

I really need advice.
I'm struggling to manage to manage ds1 behaviour, this morning he pushed my 2yr old dd over in a temper and then this afternoon he has kicked furniture and lashed out at ds2 3 yrs he pushed him over then rammed his head into the floor, poor ds2 has a cut eye and a blue egg in his forehead. I just don't know what to do, he's so angry sometimes. He has been like this for a long time and I know it may have something to do with DH being v strict but ds seemed to respond well to DH boundaries most of the time, he is off the wall recently .
I feel like I can't cope on my own , ds has hurt all of my other DC today.

It is to do with what's happened to him. Go to the school and GP and ask for support. His behaviour isn't ok but you should take him alone and cuddle him and ask him to talk instead of lashing out. See if he opens up. He might even be blaming himself for this situation

Thanks myuser, I do cuddle him and talk it through with him, we have done body maps together to see where he feels angry etc, I have the school involved already but they seem pretty useless. They suggested a parenting course but I teach parenting courses as part of my job so I'm pretty up to speed in this stuff. It's just so hard when it's your own family .

Just a quick update even if just for my own diary purposes!

DH had his day off today, I asked him if he would like to see the DC he said Yes please (very polite) all via text message. He came and picked DC up at 11, he was civil, he said he was going for his mediation appointment today, I asked him what he wanted to gain from it, he was upset that he is stuck at his mums and can't afford to move out, then said his mum may help him to buy a flat but he needs me to sign something to say it's not mine. I said I was entitled to more than 50% of all assets but I don't want his money I just want him to leave the furniture, he said he couldn't afford to buy a flat and furnish it too. I asked him to bring the children back after their dinner and said he could come in and bath them and put them to bed.
I know I will probably be verbally shot for this but I got a little emotional and asked him if there was anything he would like to change about himself, he turned it around and said I was telling him he needed to change. I know I need to give up on the false hope that he will change!

With regards to ds1, I have put him on the waiting list for children's counselling with relate and I have an appointment with GP about him next week so will hopefully get him some help.

Is it wine o'clock yet?

Oh trying I inow how hard it is but you really need to dig deep with this.

Focus on your sons behaviour - that is 100% to do with your ex. He is lashing out now because he will be pent up with anxiety, anger, blame ect.

You really must put him first rather than reaching out to your ex - which you did my inviting him in and basically giving him another chance to apologise.

Every single time you feel a wobble coming on look at a photo of your ds and tell yourself why your doing this.

It took me three attempts to leave my ex. I know how hard it is but you will look back one day and think 'wow that guy really is an arse hole.

Think of how he made you feel when you was ill, does he really deserve nice family time and baths and you creating again oppertunities for him to make it up to you?

A decent father would leave his children furniture to sit on. He is forcing you to think of your snall family with nothing. Mind games again

Do not listen to his sob story. It's all to manipulate you.

I think his next move will be to beg you back OR to make you jealous and get you to ask him back.

dig deep

Also give your self a bloody shake - your booking in councilling for your son YET at the same time hoping that your ex will change

I know, I am stupid!
DH has just left, he had a word with me about ds2's bruised head and cut eye, I said I was sorting it out but ds1 needs help as he has witnessed too much agressive behaviour, he just tried to share thr blame with me as usual! He then said that's why he can't stay here anymore cos I always blame him for everything! Perhaps my memory is shot as I thought I told him to leave not the other way around!

Ah, the old blame-shifting tactic used by the emotionally-challenged.

Let him get on with it - humour the sad bastard.

Pathetic

Ah see he is taking on the role of leaver as you asked him in. Dont put him in that position.

Change your childcare to the pre school
I would stop him being around ds1, your din needs to know that your ex has left and now his home is his safe space.

trying, your ds could be effected way more than you realise. He could have been subjected to abuse while you wasn't there or while you was there and didn't see it/realise it.

You have to pick your son now and prioritise him. Remember back to the begining of this thread and what it was originally about. This isn't just about you and Dh splitting up - this is about him bullying your son.

Your son is struggling emotionally because of yout Dh and you minimising it. Please don't over look that.

Invest in your ds now. Put him first. Create a safe space and don't let ex back in the house.

Your ex wants to take your kids furniture ffs. When are you going to start getting angry?

I don't get it either, I feel guilty not angry.
My ds1 hasn't seen DH since he left last week, I won't let him in the house when my elder 2 are here, I just don't want the animosity with DH that I have with exdh, I am trying to put all 4 DC first but it's a bloody nightmare

you feel guilty because you have been conditioned to not trust your own judgment.

Write down all the things he has done to your ds and keep that list to hand every time you speak to your ex. You don't have to be a dick but you do need to start building walls.

Your ds should be put first and your ex should not be coming in his home - even if he is there or not. Your ex has been awful and abusive To your child trying , your still keeping the door open for him under the guise of being amicable.

I wouldn't want to be amicable with some one that treated me and my kids the way he treats you

I know what you are saying is right, it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is.
I text mil earlier....
Hi mil, in light of recent events I can tell you are upset with me by the way you spoke to me on Monday. I've given it a lot of thought and I've decided it's for the best all round that ds and Dd go to preschool on Mondays from now on, Thanks for having them in the past. Trying.

She hasn't replied.

ah who cares what she thinks. Fuck her.

It's not hard to know what to do trying you already know that - it's just seeing it through that your struggling with.

Stop putting your needs in front of your ds. Your will be thinking of a million reasons now why he needs to come back but really deep down its you that's wants him back for you. Please don't use the excuse that your younger DC need him back as well

Hi everyone, I just wanted to give you a quick update, thanks to all of you for your support and advice I have stayed strong! I am going on my first night out in ages tonight, nearly at the end of my 6 week recovery so I'm celebrating my new single life